


Mondays

by QueenPotatos



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Complete, F/M, Future Fish Au, Infidelity fic, M/M, WARNING : This is a RinHaru fic, with a little bit of MakoHaru
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-10
Updated: 2014-10-24
Packaged: 2018-02-12 15:07:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 65,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2114511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenPotatos/pseuds/QueenPotatos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything happens on Mondays</p><p>Aka</p><p>The story of how Sousuke meets Makoto, and then invites him and his boyfriend Haruka to have dinner with him and Rin at a stupid sushi bar, and of how that might be the decision he will regret all his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sousuke - The Man Who Hated Mondays

**Author's Note:**

> As it's said on the tag, this is a rinharu story, the makoharu tag is just really a warning and thus I highly recommand any makoharu shippers to pass on this story for your own good. This being said, I won't accept any hates in comments or personal blog for this since I warned you.  
> It doesn't mean that it will be all cherry blossom and rainbow for rinharu either, you know me, expect angst.  
> And oh yeah, SOUSUKE IS STRAIGHT. There, I guess it's enough :p

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

# Sousuke - The Man Who Hated Mondays

 

.

The fire had started a couple of minutes ago, and as far as the questioning goes everything leads to a  defaulting toaster on the second floor.  Sousuke was still interrogating the people leaving in the five floors' old building - the walls look dilapidated, it wasn't difficult to guess why the fire had spread so easily - when he catches the silhouette of the fireman from the corner of his eyes. Deciding he'd had enough clues, the policeman leaves the survivors of the small incident and runs towards his new friend. It wasn't the first time that the two men meet, and according to his room-mate,  Sousuke needs to get out more, to make  friends,  thing that had never really bothered him until  Rin showed him how many phone numbers he had compared to him. Makoto had seemed to be a very good choice for a first try.

The fireman smiles when he sees him coming. He is tall and built like a tank but at least that's something they had in common - it's not much but it's a start. Surprisingly  Sousuke discovered as they went along that Makoto was a very shy and kind guy, contrasting so much with his formal appearance. He almost seems like a different man when he wears his overalls.

"Do you have a girlfriend?" he asks him that Monday, rather abruptly.

They're having a cup of coffee on the street just next to where the fire took place.  Sousuke has to make a report but really, there is nothing complicated about the incident; it's just as he had guessed. Makoto has found the defaulting toaster and the owner of the building had been charged. People were being rehoused at this very moment until the end of reparation. 

The question came out rather naturally; it was just small talks between two new found friends - well,  Sousuke likes to think of them that way - but then the cup in Makoto's hand freezes suddenly. He can see the uneasiness on the fireman's face and he immediately regrets his bold question. He didn't have a guy's talk in a while, maybe that's not something that is being asked so openly, not on the first coffee.

"Ah, sorry, I didn't want to-"

"Oh no, no, it's okay it's...His name is  Haruka."

Oh, well; okay then.

"It does sound a little bit girly for a guy's name," he says casually with  a  small smile on his lips.

"Ah, he doesn't really like it. People always calls him  Haru."

The rest of the chat goes nicely after this small moment of hesitation.  Sousuke had never thought the fireman likes men - it was just a matter of statistic, considering his room-mate was gay, the chance that his new friend could be as well appears to be very small in his mind - and it's not something that bothers him in any way. Actually, he really appreciates the man. He is kind, patient; he looks like the kind of person who you grow attached to. It's everything he needs at the moment.

"We should hang out some times," he says, before they parted to their respective job's activity. "And you could bring  Haru along - I live with a guy, and he likes meeting new people too."

There's a bit of confusion on Makoto's face as he speaks, but it only lasts an instant. 

"Ha, it's very nice of you  Sousuke -san." He takes out his phone and gives him his number. "I'm not sure  Haru would want to get out though, he doesn't really like socialization but-"

"Ah don't talk to me about it, it kind of reminds me of someone I know." 

He doesn't even have to explain that he was referring to himself. Makoto gives him one of his understanding smile and for the rest of the trip back to the station, Sosuke thinks of how lucky  Haruka must be. 

***

After the report is finished, Sousuke drives to another place - a supermarket had been robbed; some money had been stolen but it seems nobody was hurt, physically speaking. He goes alone since  it's Rin’s day off. One of his colleagues had insisted that he shouldn't go  there without a partner, but he needs things to be done that way.  Sousuke Yamakazi isn't someone who craves for human contact. He is very well on his own, and can't really stand anybody's presence more than an hour unless  it's  Rin's. Speaking of him, the redhead has  just sent him another selfie.

_ 'Hot chicks at the swimming  pool ;p_' it says. 

Sure the girls around him look very nice but he doesn't need one at the moment. He has other things in mind. Something like a promotion. He needs to work hard, and so should  do Rin because they are 27 years old and still living together and even if it doesn't really matter to him - to live with his very very gay childhood best friend - his life doesn't really look like the one he'd imagined he would have back when he was a kid with his eyes full of dreams.

Monday is his least favorite day of the week for that reason.  Rin is running, or at the pool, and he keeps on sending him those kinds of childish messages that reminds  Sousuke of how immature the guy can be. They'll need to talk about this, eventually, or at least to look for a better place - or well, two better places - for them to live. It's probably going to be a shock, for the both of them; as far as he can remember,  Sousuke has always shared his place with  Rin since high school; and even before that they were always stuck together as kids.

But they need to move on.  Rin needs to move on. It aches  Sousuke that the guy still chases his father's dream, that he keeps on swimming every Monday as if nothing has happened, as if the shooting had been a dream, as if his arm was still working as well as it was when they were in the national team. Sometimes  Sousuke thinks it's partly because of him. After all, Sousuke had been there in every step of  Rin's life and that's maybe why he couldn't get over it. Maybe when he looks at  Sousuke,  Rin still pictures the dorms, the pool, the competition, the relay they almost won...maybe when he looks at  Sousuke,  Rin pictures himself as a young teenager with his eyes full of dreams and shining stars and that's probably why he can't let it go of that.

But swimming and dwelling on the past won't pay for his part of the rent; on the other hand, socializing and hard-working will.

When he gets home at the end of the day,  Rin's hair is wet from his shower. He still smells of chlorine - the scent is pleasant but irritates  Sousuke anyway. Soon the room is filled with the nice smell of onion and vegetables.  Rin isn't a great cook, but he is still better than  Sousuke, and considering the state of their kitchen it's almost a miracle that his cooking tastes that good. The house is big, maybe too big for only two people but it's old. The kitchen, on top of everything, is ridiculously small compared to the living room. Their bedrooms are both upstairs along with two bathrooms.  Sousuke hates those stairs. They squeak. It's not very handy when one of them wants to have a one night stand discreetly. They even have started a game - the one who gets caught the most at the end of the month has to take the other to dinner. This month,  Sousuke lost. 

But this time he looks forward to their trip at the restaurant.

"A new friend you said?" 

Rin is still chewing on his beef when he speaks.  Sousuke gives him a glare and he stops, swallowing before he adds. "A new  gay friend?"

"And his boyfriend."

Sousuke is damn fucking hungry and eats almost twice as much as usual. His favorite place is closed today, something that had never happened before - most of the restaurants he usually drops by are closed on Monday, but not this one, not  this one and today it was  closed \- and so he had barely eaten a sandwich near 1 pm and some bagels in the afternoon at the police station. His stomach is still growling after he finishes his first plate, but it's not like  Rin complains or even notices. His thoughts seem taken by something else tonight.

"Are you sure the guy doesn't want you to come alone? I don't want to be the third wheel if your new friend  forgets  to bring his dude, you know what I mean-"

"It's okay,"  Sousuke says a little bit annoyed. He hates Mondays because  Rin is such  a in good mood and full of energy when on the other hand  Sousuke feels down and grumpy that he can't stand it. "I talked to you about him. He said it was a very good idea. His name is Makoto by the way. And his boyfriend's  Haruka. Just like you, guys with girly names."

"Sounds fun."  Rin says, as he bites into his bread. "Oh, I have to tell you something. Just before I sent you that picture, something  _ terrific _ happened!"

And again  Sousuke endures, like every Monday evening,  Rin and his fantastic stories about swimming...and he can't wait for the day to be over. He only longs for his bed, his white, fresh sheets and for the moment when he will open his eyes and it will be Tuesday, at last.

***

They have agreed on a sushi restaurant. Sunday night isn't what  Sousuke would call the perfect timing but, since both  Rin and Makoto's boyfriend work on the weekend it was impossible to find a better setting.  Rin came directly from work, and  Sousuke is late, awfully late - but his favorite show  isn't over he  can't  just leave it half way -, - even if it was on replay - ,  and is pleased to see that the three of them are already inside.  Rin has always been the talkative and natural type of guy; he probably had no problem starting the conversation.

"Sorry, I'm sorry, but-"

"You watch too much TV for your own good,  Sousuke." 

Rin doesn't even give him the chance.  Sousuke sits next to him, and hits his ankle with the tip of his foot. In front of him, Makoto smiles gently; his boyfriend is watching outside from the window. The guy is rather refined for a man - his face is rather pretty, his hair are long on his temple; his fingers are thin and he has a small frame and _those_ _ eyes_. They look quite the perfect opposite, he thinks.  Sousuke likes to decipher people. That's what he likes the most about being a cop. It had taught him how to learn about people, to guess things right, to trap the liars. 

He is sure somehow that he has already seen the  Nanase guy before.

The dinner goes without any hitch. Makoto is nice and doesn't mind  Rin's boldness. His friend is rather quiet and doesn't smile much but it's something Makoto warned him about - and suddenly  Sousuke remembers he had forgot to tell  Rin, and now he sees his roommate's face starting to crumble every time he tries to make a joke that falls flat and he doesn't, oh no, he doesn't regret it one bit.

"So what do you think about them?"  Sousuke asks when they come back to their house.

Rin opens the door and puts his coat on the rail. "It was nice. It's really cool that they are old swimmers as well. It turned out better than I expected, I didn't even have to play candy crush."

"See? I'm not that terrible at making  friends."

Rin laughs and sits down to take off his shoes.  Sousuke follows. It's not until they're brushing their teeth that  Rin talks about the dinner again.

" Whach's hich ' name again?"

"Makoto," he says.

"No, I know who Makoto is."  Rin spits some toothpaste on the skin. "But his boyfriend, the one who sat in front of me?"

"The one who didn't laugh at your famous shark joke?"

Rin sends him a death glare.

"His name is  Haruka.  Haruka Nanase, but everyone calls him  Haru."

"Haruka Nanase ..."  Rin repeats, and he repeats it again, and again, he repeats without talking until the name is burned and indelible in his mind.  Sousuke doesn't have a very nice feeling about that - he had always found it creepy when  Rin does this kind of thing to remember something - but he is too happy that  Rin likes his friend to be bothered. That night,  Sousuke sleeps better than he had ever done since they moved here. Even if tomorrow would be Monday, and that he really hates Mondays,  Sousuke is truly and deeply happy when he drifts off to Morpheus' arms.

***

"Not a very busy day?"

"You bet."

"How is the old lady from last week by the way?" 

Sousuke takes a bite of his bagel and hands the box to Makoto.

"She is alright, she only fainted because of the shock. The doctors told us her head was fine when we brought them another patient just after that."

It's been several months since the dinner. The two of them are too busy to organize another one but at least, Makoto and  Sousuke meet every Monday at the corner of street where the police station is. Today is the first day of spring,  and cherry blossoms  are  blooming on the trees.  Rin is certainly overexcited.

"They're at the pool." Makoto tells him, when  Rin comes into the conversation - and he can't even remember why they have talked about him in first place.

" _'They' _ ?"

"Haru and Rin. They meet at the pool every Monday."

"Oh." Really? That's odd...

"You look surprised." 

Sousuke frowns unintentionally. It's not something that can be helped.  Sousuke has a radar for trouble, and it has just been activated. He looks at Makoto closer. There is no traces of worries on his face. Just some curiosity; as if for him it was normal for two guys who has just met to swim together every Monday - wait, that sounds pretty common actually, considering that  Rin always swims on Mondays and-

"It's just that he didn't talk to me about it."

It's maybe because  Rin always talks about everything that the news had startled him at first, and also maybe because he remembers him repeating  Nanase's name like a mantra - and he really doesn't like that, not at all, not knowing  Rin .

But what's the point of worrying for nothing, just an intuition? 

The answer is that, there is none.

"...but it's not like we're married after all; he can do whatever he wants, it's none of my business," he adds quickly. 

He'll talk to  Rin this evening when he'll get home, until then there is no need to worry Makoto for nothing, for just a feeling, for his fucking cop instinct. 

"Ah  ah, that's true.  Haru doesn't talk about a lot of things either, but I think he quite enjoys swimming with  Rin. He always looks rather serene when I come back. I'm glad they get along well; we could maybe plan another dinner in the future." Makoto says. He takes a sip of coffee before going on, "And, I quite enjoyed  Rin's presence as well. He seems to be quite fun to be with."

Sousuke smirks unintentionally. "Actually,  Rin can be so perfect that it's getting annoying. He cooks, he makes his chores,  and  he is really tidy and keeps well company. He is also smart and nice. He wants to help people, that's why he joined the force  in the first place; he can look rude sometimes but really  Rin is the most kindhearted person I know on earth - and I'm absolutely not saying that because he’s the only friend I was able to keep since high school." 

Makoto laughs at his joke, it makes him want to smile. Maybe that's why  Rin is always smiling so much.

"Is that's the reason why you've joined the police, too?"

There's an uncomfortable silence, here, because sometimes  Sousuke remembers why he didn't want to be close to anyone. He sighs.

"I'm...definitely not as nice and considerable as  Rin. I like mysteries, and I like to  solve them. I like to find who did what; I don't want to help, really. I could have done something else probably but I guess I just followed  Rin . He is the kind of guy that makes you want to follow him, wherever he goes."

Sousuke finishes his coffee, not daring to see the disappointment on the fireman's face. It's always hard to be compared to  Rin, but  Sousuke is rather honest and doesn't like to make unnecessary effort, like being nice when he doesn't want to, or faking interest in others. He genuinely appreciates Makoto's company so  it's really not a problem to stay here with him. The guy is so nice, that he is scared his selfishness might make him run away.

But instead, Makoto has his smile on his face, the one that's warm and comforting,  the _'motherly'_ smile as he likes to call it.

"What?" He asks, still on the defensive.

"Oh nothing, really." Makoto takes his cup and finishes his coffee as well. "You're just really cute."

Sousuke frowns, but doesn’t ask for more. He is too glad that Makoto isn't judging him and plus, there are others things he is curious about.

"How long have you known  Nanase by the way?"

Makoto smiles turns into something different, something  Sousuke could have called fondness if he knew what it looks like. " Ever since I can  remember; it's very similar to you and  Rin, really."

They were neighbors and went in the same school at the age of 6. And since that time, they had never parted from each other's path. They have moved in together when they left high school for convenience, even if they weren't in the same university. 

"Haru is the only person I've really known my entire life. I've spent so much time with him that I guess, what had to happened well, happened. One night we were drunk and I confessed; he'd spent the night in my room and had never left it since. We didn't really..." there is a small pause in his speech, his knuckles turn white. "...talk about it but it's been seven years now."

"Holy fuck, seven years! That's a lot. Do you plan on getting married?"

"No, not really." Makoto says very  quicly , and in his voice there is no ounce of bitterness or regret and  Sousuke finds that weird, considering how Makoto is. "I don’t really think that it's for us, you know? Maybe I'll change my mind at some point but I'm not sure for  Haru though."

"Well you need to ask him, eventually. To be honest, I've never been a best man and I'll probably never be one so-"

Makoto blushes furiously, and tries to make him stop teasing him like that - but he can't. It's maybe not as funny as bugging  Rin but still, it makes Mondays a little bit easier to bare when Makoto is with him.

When  Sousuke comes back home that day  Rin isn't there. He tries to call him but apparently he forgot his phone - it's in the living room, near the laptop. It has two missed calls and five unread texts. They all come from  Nanase .

_ 'Call me.' _

__

_ ' Rin .' _

__

_ 'We need to talk.' _

__

_ 'Please.' _

__

_ 'I'm sorry.' _

He erases them all instinctively. He doesn't regret it, even after he had given it a thought.

Rin comes back half an hour later. It happens he was jogging, which is another abnormality for him - for it's not his time of the day to jog.

"I wanted to see that new weight room. There was no bus so I ran there. Now that my arm feels better I think I'm  gonna try to lift weights a little."  Rin shows him his arm and the scar near his shoulder. "See? They're so thin compared to what they were before."

"You're going to get exhausted."  Sousuke says, trying to stay calm. He hides his hands from his view, he doesn't want him to see how tense he is. "You won't be able to run and lift  and swim-"

"Actually I think I'm  gonna stop swimming; at least for a  while."

Rin's voice sounds neutral, way too neutral for someone who loves swimming, too much for  Rin who intends to quit. It's like he had prepared himself to say those lines, in the most casually way possible for him.  Sousuke can feel it; he knows there is probably something happening right in front of him but he can't really ask about it. Because, the probability that  Rin will honestly answer are close to zero and, really, he doesn't want to know. If something really is up and that it's really as bad as  Sousuke thinks it is, then he'll have to tell Makoto, eventually. It's the very last thing he wants to do.

"I had  coffee with Makoto today. He told me you were at the pool with  Haruka."

"Yeah, I was."

Rin's voice sounds angry. His face has lost his formal cheerfulness.  Sousuke thinks about the texts again. 

"Did you two have a fight?"

Rin hides his face away. "...Not really...it's just...it's...he annoys me so much! - Have you seen my phone by the way?"

Sousuke hands it to him. "Why does he annoy you so much?"

"Oh, you know how he is."  Rin looks at the screen and stares, blankly. He looks confused. "We just don't have the same vision of swimming. You know how I can be rude about that, you've suffered from that as well - and you don't go swimming with me anymore."

The phone is back in  Rin's pocket without any second checks. "That's why we've decided not to swim together again. Is that enough for you, inspector Yamazaki? Or do I need to call my lawyer?"

"I was just asking about your day."

"Tss."  Rin's shoulders tense before going back to normal. "Anyway. It doesn't matter anymore."

Rin is an open book to  Sousuke, or at least he likes to think it's true, always. But sometimes it's not.  Rin is an open book only because he doesn't care if  Sousuke understands him so much, it's just easier to live with him that way. He chooses to be readable on purpose and when the moment comes where he doesn't want to anymore, the moment  Rin decides that he'll be a complete mystery again, he does it. He closes up, crocks into his shell and then, there is nothing  Sousuke can do but standing unprepared in the dark.

Sousuke doesn't like when  Rin is cold like that. He doesn't like the tone of his voice, the confusion on his face, the words he says that don't mean anything to him, the severe look he gives him when  Rin turns around to see what he is really doing - studying him, trying to get behind that shell for a change but, tonight he won't.  Rin will make sure of that.

"How was Makoto?" He asks, to close the internal debate they were having.

"Fine. He was fine."

Sousuke walks toward the kitchen - and ineluctably, towards  Rin \- and he really doesn't know why, but it feels like it's not enough. There is something that is bothering  Rin and  Sousuke can't help but think  that  it's about  Nanase. And there is this pinch at the point of his stomach, the one he usually feels when he's questioning, he just knows, somehow, that  Rin is hiding something from him.

"Actually I found him very happy. I'd like him to stay that way."

The warning is pretty simple. It's a nice one,  friendly advice that anyone  but  Rin would  mistake for just a burst of friendship feelings.

Because,  Sousuke isn't the only one who  can read his room mate easily. Especially when  Sousuke wants the message to be clear, very clear. 

Rin gives him a bemused look, and lifts his eyebrow. 

"Well, keep on  treating him to coffee on duty then, I'm sure it'll be enough. Jeez; if you were at least as protective with me I never would have been shot."

And with these words  Rin walks away, casually, leaving  Sousuke without a proper response, or even just the beginning of a word to say. These words were enough to make him drop the conversation.

They always are.

They don't talk for the rest of the night. Sometimes,  Sousuke would catch a glimpse of  Rin, alone in the corridor, checking his phone but he is too far to tell if he looks sad or angry. Maybe it's a bit of both.

***

On a Sunday night  Rin comes home late, very late; he  only does  patrols on Sunday, nothing too complicated - something no one wants to do but him, apparently - so  Sousuke is worried. He tries to call him, only to find that the line is busy. Good, at least it means nothing bad happened to him on duty.

Rin is still on the phone when he finally gets home.

"Hm... yeah but...are you sure  about  the color?" He lifts his head to say hello. His lips move; _'It's_ _Gou_ ' he silently says, and then he walks to the stairs. "Yeah, that step still squeaks  like grandma's hip prosthesis. I know, we need to move out...yes a place nearest to you and mom..." 

When  Sousuke is too far to hear the rest of the conversation he resumes co oking. On tonight's Menu: steak and pasta with ketchup; nothing too sophisticated.  Rin won't be pleased after his long day at work but it's not like he didn't want for it - working on Sundays; he had begged for it.

The table is almost set when  Sousuke hears the step squeaking again.

"It was Gou,"  Rin says when he comes out of view. "She says hello."

"How is she?"

"Nuts, as usual. Some things never really change."  Rin yawns and sits in front of the TV, is steaming plate in front of him. "What's on TV tonight? I need a good old American cheesy movie so that I can sleep early."

"You're exhausted. You should take a break. How about you drop some of your Sundays? I'm sure you're not the only one willing to work overtime." 

The steaks are overcooked.  Sousuke tries to hide his grimace but finds out  it's too late;  Rin is already trying to get rid of his on  Sousuke's plate.

"Probably," he goes on, "but I need the money; it's not like I have a choice,  hn?"

"You're earning more than me and still you're always the one late for the rent. What's all that money for? Looking for a better place without me?"

Rin kicks him under the table. "Jeez, you're annoying. It's for Gou. I'm trying to buy her a car for her birthday. She wants a new Mini."

Sousuke almost chokes on his penne. "What?" asks  Rin \- not even worried that  Sousuke could  die  over  pasta, and it's so much like him that he doesn't know what to do, or what to say. "You don't have siblings. You can't understand. And it's Gou. I can't just, buy her something that won't suit her, or a second-hand - a Mini is perfect, but hella expensive."

Suddenly,  Sousuke remembers why he is so fond of him, and why it makes him want to be a better person himself. Maybe he should start saving too. Maybe he should buy something for  Rin \- but, he honestly has no idea of what he needs.

Rin's phone rings, again. "Jeez, what does she want again?" He sighs;  Sousuke can tell just how much  Rin is exhausted just by looking at the rings under his eyes. "Gou?"

He leaves  Sousuke alone to go upstairs again. It's an old habit he has.  Rin likes to phone alone, to walk in circle, to talk loudly and freely without being heard.  Sousuke knows  Rin , a lot, but he is incapable of thinking about what he could offer to him, and it's kind of bothering, for him. There is a well hidden place  in  Rin's heart, a place he never really shows, even to him. He talks big about his dreams, his big and worldwide dreams but when it comes to little things, to little happiness then he likes to enjoy them alone. Maybe  Rin doesn't need anything, or considers that he doesn't but it's not true, not when  Sousuke sees where they live and how unhappy  Rin seems sometimes.

Has he done everything he could to be a good friend to  Rin? The guilt is still haunting him.

When  Rin comes back he wears a grin on his face. He is...dancing, if it can be called dancing, like an old disco has-been - his arms are moving up and down and he is even humming some cheap song from the 70s. At this right moment  Rin looks ridiculously happy and content of himself.

Maybe  Sousuke needs to worry less about him.

" Gueess \- who - is going - to get -  _ laaaid _ ?" He sings, as he punches him lightly to make him dance with him.

"Gou?"  Sousuke answers, because somehow it's the first possibility that occurs to him. Apparently it's not the right answer.  Rin frowns. Oops, talking about Gou and possible sexual activity has always been a subject to avoid with  Rin.

"What ?! No, of course not! I mean of course she can get laid I mean she is gorgeous and she’s  my little sister okay she deserves to get- no, to  make love every night, not to get laid, it's too vulgar for her."

Sousuke screams internally. If only he knew.

"You then?"  Sousuke tries to guess again.

But why would  Rin be so happy about that? He hasn't talked about someone he likes so far...it's been a while, by the way, since  Rin had really been caught by someone - for the eternal romantic he is, it's kind of weird.

"Idiot ! It's you!"  Sousuke's eyes widen. "Remember Gou's hot friend from high-school?"

"The one who was head over heels with you? The chestnut-haired girl?"

"Yeah the blond girl. She asked for you."

"Her hair was chestnut."

"Oh listen to yourself, you're already defending her; you're so cute, Yamazaki." 

Sousuke's mouth opens to ask for more information but it's not enough to stop  Rin and his joyfulness - how can he have that much energy left after a day of work, seriously. 

"Don't worry, I already gave her your number; she'll call you to set a date. I talked to her about that restaurant you like to go to. Just warn me before so I can find something to do, not to disturb you, you know."

Rin looks at him with playful eyes, half humming, half trying not to laugh and he dances so ridiculously, exiting the room in a moonwalk that it makes  Sousuke smile. There aren't two people like him in the entire world,  Sousuke is sure of that.

The following day, Makoto almost spits his coffee on  Sousuke's face when he tells him about the news. "A date?" 

"More or less, it's not something serious."

"And,  Rin is...okay with that?"

Sousuke frowns. "Of course he is. He is the one who arranged the date."

For no reason at all Makoto seems shocked. Petrified. Horrified. And very sorry for him but why...? Oh, wait, does he think that-

"We aren't dating."  Sousuke tells him. "Me and  Rin . We're just childhood friends. I'm straight."

The fireman looks like he's been told Earth was round for the very first time.

"I...I thought...I'm so sorry! It's just...the way you talked about him...and you two were so like us that I assume - I'm sorry, very sorry."

"No, it's okay; I should have been clearer since the beginning,"  Sousuke says, trying to ignore the comment about how he talks about  Rin \- it sounds normal to talk good about a good person, after all, it doesn't mean that-

"Does that mean that  Rin is single?" comes Makoto's next question. He doesn't know why, but for  Sousuke the question just sounds, well, wrong. Does Makoto want to...no, certainly not; maybe he just wants to introduce  Rin to someone.  Sousuke shakes this thought out of his mind; he really needs to drop this bad habit quickly before something bad actually happens.

"More or less. I mean, he is, but sometimes I see a hickey barely hidden on his neck. And he looks rather happy lately, so I guess that, whatever it is, it makes him happy."

"Maybe  he’s seeing  someone but hasn't talked to you about it yet." Makoto says. "You're not married after all, right?"

Sousuke pouts, remembering how misleading he had sounded that time - that really sounded gay in hindsight. "Yeah, but...no. He usually likes to show off about that so; if there had been someone important I would have known. He would have told me."

Makoto sighs. "That's so bad. I mean-" he clears his throat, trying not to give the wrong impression and  Sousuke doesn't really get what he is trying to hide. "I mean he is rather... _ fine _ , you know? He should be with someone and be happy."

"The problem is that, I don't think  Rin wants to  _ be _ with someone."

"And what about you?"

Sousuke lets escape a small and bitter laugh from his lips. As if he knows. Why does Makoto always seem to know where his weak points are?

"We'll see on Thursday night. We're going to the restaurant then, maybe at my place."

"It's set on Thursday then?"

"Yes,"  Sousuke answers with a smile he hasn't seen coming. "In fact I think I'm rather happy about that. I have to find something to give in return for  Rin. He deserves it."

They pay for their coffee and prepare to get back to work.  Sousuke puts his cap on. He looks way too serious like that.

"Anyway, if you feel the need to escape your date," Makoto says, and again  Sousuke wonders if the man knows how flirty his gentleness can be, "You can call me. I'll be on duty all night but if nothing happens I can always, you know, save you."

Makoto's proposal sounds like a very bad  American romantic youth film’s plot that Rin would probably like, a lot. He can't stop from laughing, even after seeing Makoto dismayed face urging him to.

***

After a few minutes of small talks and nice chatting about this and that, it appears clearly to  Sousuke that  Chigusa doesn't want dessert; but that she'll gladly have a bit of  Sousuke before going back to her place instead.

They're kissing, passionately, in the entrance hall.  Sousuke takes off her coat and her sweatshirt. Gou's friend isn't really his type to be honest; she is very cute and pretty but her body is too thin and severely lacks form. But for tonight it doesn't matter. He'll just go with what he's got.

They only stop kissing when  Sousuke pauses to take off his shoes -  Rin is a maniac, and  _ 'no shoes inside the house_ _'_ is his favorite rule.

"Where can I put mine?" the girl asks.

"Well, just behind the-"

There is always an empty space for guests, near the small step that separates the hall from the rest of the house.  Chigusa shouldn't have asked, because the answer should have been obvious; except that, the space is already filled. There is a pair of unknown, blue sneakers with white laces instead of the empty place where she should have put her high heels. And if  Sousuke concentrates enough he is sure - well, almost sure - that he can hear  Rin moaning slightly upstairs.

...That bastard...giving him a date so that he can get laid behind his back...how dare he?

Sousuke takes  Chigusa by the arm and,  purposely, walks on the  squeaking  step with more force than necessary. The small noises coming from  Rin's room stop immediately. He hopes they won't start again for a while. He really can't get hard when he hears  Rin moaning like that.

He hopes, but soon he has to admit defeated.

_ ' Aaaaah ...' _

The voice is muffed, but it's clearly  Rin's.

"Sousuke, are you sure you can't-"

"No I can't. I'm really sorry."

Chigusa is still trying to ride him. She really tries hard - and  Sousuke feels proud and sorry at the same time - but as soon as he finally gets hard enough-

__

_ ' Aaaaah ...' _

Rin moans and it's enough to make it stop altogether. His half-hard cock spits out of  Chigusa and she falls on his chest, sighing. They lay still for a while, listening, despite themselves,  to  the horny noises coming from the room just next to theirs.

"Rin is still gay?" Asks  Chigusa, as she caresses  Sousuke torso mindlessly.

"Oh yeah,"  Sousuke sighs, "desperately and definitely gay."

"That means that he is with another guy right now."

"Well," - sometimes  Sousuke wishes he could date brightest girls - "Logically. Why?"

The girl is biting her bottom lips sensually. "No it's just that...It makes me hot to imagine them, you know. It's…such a shame you can't…but-but it's not like I judge you or anything, I'll have a lot of trouble imagining my gay super childhood friend getting laid, I mean if it was Gou - wait,  Sousuke , where are you going?"

Sousuke walks, utterly naked and a hundred percent determined, towards  Rin's room. If he can't get hard because of his moans at least,  Rin won't totally ruin his night,  Sousuke will make sure of that – and have his little vengeance in the meanwhile.

Because,  Sousuke knows exactly where  Rin puts his sex toys.

"Excuse me! I'm the naked straight roommate. Please don't mind me, just go on." He says when he enters the door without knocking.

He hears the two lovers gasp and the ruffle of the sheets.  Sousuke could even turn on the lights if he were to be evil but the shame  Rin must be feeling right now will probably be enough for a single man.

"I'm just borrowing …this!" 

He opens the drawer and takes out of it a pink, fluorescent moaning dildo – it was a gift for his 18 th birthday; hiding it from his mother and in the dorms had been one of the most  perilous and hilarious things they had accomplished during their young years. He walks out of the room slowly, still in the darkness, trying not to laugh too much when he hears  Rin curse –  _ 'Shit, shit' _ he mutters – and when he comes back to  Chigusa surprisingly, he finds out they don't need the toy anymore.

They fall asleep rather quickly after that.  Sousuke only wakes up briefly when he hears the cursed step squeak ing, near 4 AM – or something like that, he doesn't remember, it was way too early anyway. When he wakes up, the blue sneakers with white laces aren't there anymore.

He joins  Rin to the kitchen. He is tense.  Sousuke can feel it, just by the way his shoulders are arched,  just by the way he holds his cup of coffee, just by the fact that he is drinking coffee instead of his usual cup of tea before going to work.

Sousuke walks to the board on the fridge, where they set the score. He draws a big, black cross on  Rin's side and grins.

Rin looks mortified.

"Sorry for last night." He cocks him a smile. But  Rin is still paralyzed somehow. His cup is frozen in his grip, so  Sousuke feels like he  has  to add something. "And congratulations! Nice plan, nice evil plan; to find me a date so you can get laid without me knowing, that was quite amazing."

That makes him smile, just a little bit.

"One night stand?"

"Of course."  Rin says rather abruptly, and he doesn't press further. He drinks  the steamy coffee and coughs a bit, for it was still too hot, and disappears in the living room without saying a word.

They still have more than an hour to get ready.  Chigusa is taking her shower, so  Sousuke stays in the living room, tidying up a bit. It's strange; their white favorite blanket is out of the cupboard. And…the Love Actually DVD is upside down on the DVD pile...

  


 

 

 

 

Rin watching his favorite movie under his favorite and woolen blanket with a one night stand? Impossible. It's purely impossible. He can't even begin to believe it.

Rin has a  boyfriend, and he hasn’t talked to him about it! – But  Sousuke feels too happy for him to be upset, really. It's been so long and, just as Makoto has said, he really deserves it.

He waits for  Rin to come back from his room, all  dressed up for work. As soon as he appears on the doorstep, it's  Sousuke's turn to hum, and to dance ridiculously.

"Ah  ah, guess – who – has – a – new –  _ booooy _ _– friend_?"

Rin frowns. "Chigusa?" He tries, but of course it's not a good answer and again, seeing Rin denying something they should both be happy about makes Sousuke nervous. It's like he is missing something and he can’t find out what.

"I'm talking about  you, idiot. I saw the DVD. And the blanket. And I guess you didn't finish the red wine on your own yesterday night."

Rin blushes slightly, but he looks more uneasy than embarrassed. It's only getting weirder as the seconds pass by. 

"I don’t know what you're talking about."

"Come on. Rejoice! You should have told me about it-"

"I am not dating anyone,  Sousuke ."  Rin warns harshly, before he could add anything; and his voice sounds hurt; really deeply. For someone who doesn't know  Rin it might pass unnoticed but it's  Sousuke who's listening to him, who's analyzing his voice and he just knows that there is something wrong with  Rin's voice.

He sounds unhappy. But unhappy about what?

"You don't have to lie to me. Who was it last night? The guy with the blue sneakers and white laces?"

"No one." He answers weakly.

"Rin , tell me-"

"It was  no one, okay?!" he yells at him, and his eyes are red, and it's not only because of fury. Rin is about to make a tantrum and Sousuke knows better than to confront him "Yesterday night I ate instant noodles and felt lonely. So I watched Love Actually with a fucking bottle of wine and I realized that I was so, fucking, lonely!  You had your date, everybody  in that damn movie find s their soul mate and I was there, alone with my empty bottle of wine crying like a pansy and I had enough. So I went to the nearest bar and took the first guy who wanted to do my ass and that's all, really. That's who the man with the blue sneakers was. End of story."

He knows that  Rin is on the verge of crying. He can see it.  Sousuke suddenly feels like the worst best friend in the world.

"Rin …I'm sorry I had no idea. Really I am sorry. I shouldn't have-"

"No you shouldn't. But  it's okay,"  Rin sniffs, "It was no one. So, it's okay. And I just realized that yesterday, you know, that I was fucking unhappy about my sentimental life. I just realized yesterday that it wasn't what I wanted anymore so you don't have to feel guilty…about anything really. So stop looking me like that. I'm heading to work. I'll see you there."

Sousuke comes back earlier from work. He downloads the first Bridget Jones' movie – one of  Rin's favorite – and buys some  Soho with prawn crackers. He cooks him his favorite food and washes the blanket with his favorite laundry softener.

Maybe  Rin needs a lover more than anything right now, but since he can't find one for him,  Sousuke will be the best , best friend in the world tonight, and he will try with all he has in his guts and heart to make  Rin smile brightly tonight.

(Of course  Rin cries a lot during the film, especially when the heroine finds out that Hugh Grant is cheating on her, but he tells  Rin that he will find someone with an improbable taste for clothes and a nice soul, and that he will be happy with that person for the rest of his life.  Rin cries even harder.)

****

It's maybe because  Nanase has the brightest and prettiest pair of blue eyes he had never seen that he’s the first person  Sousuke spots when he enters the store.

He is at the mall, where he eats every Monday because his favorite restaurant is closed. When  Sousuke had been walking along the aisle he saw that sport shop and decided that, maybe he could stop by  to buy something for  Rin . He  hadn't had any idea in mind when h e ’d entered - a new pair of shoes,  some weights, a new towel maybe… his mind is still not fixed, really - but instead of finding what  Rin could want  the most, his eyes fall on  Nanase's.

Sousuke smiles at him. "Hi," he says . "Long time no see."

Nanase's answer is way shyer ; he doesn't smile and turns his head away. "Hi." He mutters.

Sousuke wants to ask what he’s  is doing here, but he doesn't have the time to.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" 

The voice is way too familiar, for  it's Rin's ; and when  Sousuke looks up at him he has his arm on  Nanase's shoulder, as if it was something natural, something he does a lot - and the blue eyed boy looks annoyed, so  Sousuke guesses he is right about that.  Rin is always touchy with his friends - and when he thinks about it, those two have known each other for quite a long time actually. Did they keep on meeting every Monday, even if  Rin had stopped swimming?

"I was looking for a new pair of basketball shoes," he says, and it's not entirely a lie - he just hasn't said it wasn't for him. "I usually eat here on Mondays so-"

"Oh, you can join us then."  Rin offers. "Where do you want to go? Subway? McDonald’s? KFC?"

"I want sushi,"  Nanase mutters.

Rin sighs. "Again?" he whines, and looks  at  Sousuke to see if he agrees.

Nanase buys his new swimsuit and they all end up at a sushi bar a couple of shops further. It's mostly  Rin and him talking - but Makoto always says how quiet his boyfriend can be - and it doesn't bother  Sousuke much, until he realizes that  Nanase is very tense.

"You should come at our place,"  Sousuke tells Nanase, and then the two other gasp. "With Makoto. It's been so long since last dinner."

"Why not, but when?" Asks  Rin . "I'm working on weekends and so does  Haru ."

"I'll take a day off. Monday will be the perfect day. What do you think about it,  Nanase?"

He looks annoyed, frankly; it's like he really doesn't want to go to their place.  Sousuke feels offended, slightly; the guy spends his Mondays with  Rin and when it comes to him, he doesn't want to even look at him in the eye. It feels wrong, it feels like  Nanase really doesn't like him at all and he can't guess why.

"Do you think he might be jealous of me? Because I'm a good friend of Makoto’s ?" He asks  Rin that night, when they're brushing their teeth.

Rin almost chokes.  Does it really sound that silly?

*****

Sousuke just knew something was missing when he looked at the whole picture. It's been months, since  Rin had repeated  Nanase's name that night, since he had erased the texts on  Rin's phone. Things didn't make sense.

Why would he stop swimming?

Why didn't he tell him about  Nanase and their Monday meetings?

How could  Rin look so happy and yet so unhappy at the same time?

What about the hickeys on his neck?

And the blue sneakers with white laces in the entrance hall that night?

And the way  Nanase was avoiding his gaze the rare times they met?

"Hi!" Makoto says, when they enter the house for the first time.

Sousuke greets both him and  Nanase while  Rin is still busy in the kitchen. They take off their shoes, and Makoto stays a little bit longer to chat with  Sousuke.  It's small talk, really ;  it's just that they are now good friends and want to have a  few moment s  together. Just the two of them.  Sousuke wants to ask about  Nanase, if he had said something about him, if it had looked like he didn't want to go here.

But he never asks. Because then, he sees them.

The blue sneakers with while laces, put away under the step, where the guests' shoes are. They are  Nanase's shoes and it makes him realize all the things he had  chose not to see because they were inconvenient for his  well being.

"Sousuke ? Is everything alright?" Makoto asks, and  Sousuke finds out that no, nothing really is. He can't find the strength to answer his smile, or to even look at him in the eyes. No wonder why  Nanase couldn't either.

"Hey, you plan on leaving me alone with the autistic guy? How mean, Yamazaki!" 

Rin's voice takes him out of his dark thoughts. From the distance he can hear  Nanase calling  Rin a pain. 

Rin. 

Rin is usually so bad at lying. 

Rin is trustworthy. 

Rin is his friend, his best friend and he knows him like the back of his hand.  Rin would  never do that, right? Those shoes are pretty common; it could have been anyone.  Rin told him it was no one. There is no need to be that paranoid. There is no need to.

"We're coming,"  Sousuke manages to say  loudly,  and  glad  his voice isn't shaking.

They have decided to have a brunch instead of dinner or lunch.  Rin likes the idea; he wanted to bake some pancakes and it's been so long -  Sousuke had gladly accepted his request. When  he and  Makoto come into the living room,  Nanase and  Rin are busy setting the table, and  Sousuke can't take his eyes off of them. The way they move in perfect sync, the way they complete each other  tasks – it’s  no secret that the both of them know each other pretty well. 

The tea is steaming in the middle of the table.  Sousuke sits in front of Makoto, near to the wall. The three of them are very natural; only  Nanase behaves awkwardly. It's not much really, it's really nothing and there is no wonder why Makoto never catches any hint but  Sousuke is a cop; he knows what people do unconsciously when they don't want others to find out about something they desperately try to hide.  Nanase's eyes are everywhere; everywhere except on  Rin. 

Sousuke has never wanted so much for someone to look at  Rin, as if he was just a friend, and not someone he was having an affair with.

It's quite amazing, how they manage to hold the masquerade for so long. It almost takes a whole hour for their masks to crumble. By accident, their fingers brush as they try to take the teapot at the same time. He can almost hear  Rin gasping and from that time, he begins to get  more tense , and casts  a look at  Nanase every three seconds - and looks away each time Makoto holds his hands.  Nanase   has  stopped talking  altogether. Th ey look so uneasy that it  would take a blind person to  not  see there is something very, very wrong with them.

At some point, even Makoto starts to feel uncomfortable.  Sousuke hears it in his voice; it's quavering. The whole brunch feels like walking on eggshells, it's a real disaster. And what had to happen happens. He never thought he would be the first, but  Sousuke is indeed the one who spills  his cup of tea on the tablecloth.

"Shit," he swears, and really he hates swearing in front of people - and especially in front of Makoto - but he can't help it. He feels like shit. The whole situation is shitty and-

"I'll get you a kitchen towel, don't move."  Rin tak es this opportunity to get on  that mess gladly; he gets up quickly as if he has ants in his pants - but it seems that fate doesn't plan on giving him a break.

"I'll make some more tea,"  Haru adds haphazardly.

And so he gets up too and follows  Rin into the kitchen, as if he knows the place by heart, as if he was the one living there every day with  Rin . And, when the two disappear from their view it feels like Makoto and him had gone throw a storm and are now left in a mess in the middle of the chaos.

The silence is broken by Makoto's sigh. 

"I shouldn't have forced him to come."

Sousuke looks at him with a dumbfounded face, and lets him continue. "He wasn't feeling well. He told me he didn't want to see  Rin \-  that they had a small argument last week, and you don't know how  Haru is yet but he tends to avoid conflict every time it's possible. He isn't very good at confronting people. I didn't think it was that bad. I have never seen him like this."

"I'm going to check if everything is alright,"  Sousuke offers. "Do you need anything?"

"No," Makoto says, "the pancakes were very good. Where  is  the toilet by the way?"

"Upstairs, second room on the left."

"Thank you."

He walks towards the kitchen and stops there, just before the door, for a second. They are taking too much time just for making tea and getting a towel.  Sousuke's heart beats fast in his chest. They could have really fought. The shoes could really have been someone else's. They could very well be just  friends. Sometimes, the worst scenario, the one you're imagining in your head to protect yourself in case it really happens, doesn't happen. Sometimes life is fair. Sometimes good people only do good things.

But sometimes things aren't that simple. 

Inside the kitchen,  Sousuke clearly hears  Rin crying, and it's enough to break his heart in a million of pieces.

"You have to leave," he hears  Rin whispering, "I can't stand it. I can't stand the way he looks at you. I can't stand to see him touching you when my whole body  aches to do the same."

"Don't cry,  Rin , please I'm sorry don't cry-"

"Why did you come? I told you I wouldn't be able to handle it."

"I needed to see you. I missed you too much. I couldn't have handled another day without you."

Sousuke can hear  Nanase kissing  Rin's lips, or his tears away; he can't see him but  Nanase's voice is so broken, so full of love and adoration that he can picture him doing so easily.

"But what's the point if I can't touch you?"

"Rin , I love you. I need you. I know you understand, so please, please forgive me, please."

"We can't do that anymore. You have to choose. I can't handle it."

"I know but please, stop crying, they will see. Please, give me more time, please  Rin don't end this-"

"But I already gave you enough time!"

None of them speak after that. Does that mean  Rin want to end this?  Sousuke doesn't have time to think about it,  because he hears the step squeak ing in the hall - Makoto is going back, and they really need to stop their little game before Makoto learns about their affair in the most terrible way possible.

"Do you need help with the tea?"  Sousuke yells, loud enough for them to hear before he opens the kitchen door.

When he enters,  Rin's tears are hidden, his back facing him.  Nanase gets out with a sponge in his hand.  Sousuke silently helps  Rin with the tea and takes some biscuits, without asking anything about why he is crying, or about his lack of response. It doesn't feel like the right time for that.

Makoto looks worriedly at them when they finally join back the living room. Minutes later, they are gone  from the  house , pretending that  Nanase doesn't feel very well - stomach ache  my ass . 

As for  Rin , he pretends that he wants to jog and so  Sousuke doesn't have the opportunity to properly talk to him until he gets back, hours later.

He looks happier. Definitely not happy, but less tormented at least. It looks like he has made up his mind.  Rin frowns when he sees the bottle of whiskey and two large glasses, waiting for him in the living room. It's usually what they drink when they want to celebrate, or discuss about very serious matters - like, stop adding curry in every meals or stop listening to Aretha Franklin too loud after 10 PM because the neighbors are considering to sue them.

" Woa , what are we celebrating tonight?"

Rin looks sincere. He really does. When did he get so good at lying? When did  Sousuke lose  that ability he had, to read  Rin , to understand him like no one did before? It makes him feel so sad, and so angry at him. Where did he mess this up, to begin with?

"I heard you in the kitchen," he just says. 

He knows it's enough. He knows  Rin will understand what he is referring to . He doesn't act immediately, but eventually,  Rin pours himself a drink and sits. 

"Ah, I thought so. It gets harder to hide when I start crying like that."

Sousuke ey es him as he gulps down the drink in one shot.  How can he say that so casually?

"I knew you were suspecting something when you era sed  Haru's messages on my phone , "  Rin tells him, before he has the chance to ask.

"How did you know I erased them?"

"I knew I had a missed call and two unread texts before I went jogging, so when I came back and found I had none, I knew you had read them - and got rid of them."  Rins tells him, calmly. " We’d kissed that day. He ’d told me that it was a mistake, that he shouldn't have done that and so I told him than we should probably never meet again then. You really helped me out back then, it was so much easier to think he didn't care for me at all in the end. But he had to come all the way here when I didn't show up the Monday after that."

Rin pours himself another drink.  Sousuke watches him silently. 

"How did-"

"I don't know. It just...happened, you know. It wasn't planned. I have never wanted to...God, I can't even imagine how much I must have disappointed you."

And then,  Rin crumbles, his head hidden in his arms. He cries for a good couple of minutes, and  Sousuke even feels the need to come closer and to hold him in his arms. He waits for him to feel better, but even when he finishes crying  Rin still looks as broken as before.

"I really don't know what to do. I love him. I love him so much. I have never loved someone like this before."

"Did you really want to put an end to this?"  Sousuke asks.

"Isn't that what I should have done? I mean, it's wrong. It can't continue like this. Makoto doesn't deserve it, and I don't deserve it either."

"And what about  Nanase ? What does he think about all this?"

Rin almost laughs. "Haru? He has no fucking clue. He says he loves me. He says he  _ really _ loves me. But if he really does then why hasn't he broken up with his boyfriend yet? I mean - God I'm so sorry I know that he’s  your friend and all. I'm so shitty. I'm just trash."

"Rin, stop saying things like that. Sometimes...sometimes good people do bad things. You know it happens, you see that  everyday at work. It's more complicated that you make it sound."

"Stop that. You sound like an angel."

But, really,  Sousuke has no idea of what to do, of what to say. He doesn't even know if he should warn Makoto - he shouldn't, because he is really not the one who should give him the news but how could he look at him in the eyes again, knowing that? He feels trapped. Trapped in a love triangle and he can't move a muscle without making the whole thing falls apart.

So he just holds  Rin , close to him until he needs him no more.

"Sousuke, can I ask you for something?" He asks, a couple of quiet minutes later. "I swear I'll never ask you anything after that, I promise."

He hands him his phone. There is an unread text from  Haru .

"Erase it. And then, erase his number and block him. I won't be strong enough to do it myself."

Rin can't even find the strength to look. He walks away from  Sousuke's lap, directly heading to his room, and it's the last time he sees him that day.

_ 'Give me time. I will do it. I love you. Please tell me you'll meet me tomorrow.' _

This one is easy to erase. Another one comes, just before  Sousuke erases  Nanase's number.

_ 'Rin , answer me please. I need you to answer me. I need you.' _

It makes him hesitate, but in the end, he just does as  Rin want him to. 'HaruKA' is no more part of  Rin's phone's book anymore. 

He considers handing back the phone to  Rin, but when he is about to knock on his door, he can hear him crying again.  Sousuke's arm falls flat on his side. It's all his fault, again. If only he hadn't made that stupid dinner. If only he hadn't invited  Rin that day. He broke everybody's heart in one single night.

No matter what he tries,  even with  all the relaxation techniques he had learned in the past,  Sousuke can't sleep that night. It's 2 AM when  Rin's phone vibrates again. It's a message from an unknown number. It's when he finally realizes he hadn't blocked  Nanase yet - a faulty act, perhaps.

He reads it, and rereads it. And eventually, after transferring it to his own phone, he erases it, and all the other texts, and every single clues of  Nanase's existence in  Rin's life. It's what  Rin wants in the end. He doesn't want to be the bad guy.

And honestly,  Sousuke starts to wonder if there is really a bad guy in this broken love story.

_ 'Rin, I need more time. I have been with Makoto all my life; and you're asking me to leave him for you, who I only knew for less than a year. You're asking me to leave my home, my comfort zone for something unknown to me; and at first it scares me, it really scares me to death but now I feel ready. I feel ready because the more I think about it the more I think that you're the one. But I have spent seven years in Makoto's arms, and I can't leave him so quickly; I can't do that to him when he loves me so much and had done nothing wrong. He deserves someone better that's for sure but I need to make things right. So please, please  Rin I beg you, wait for me,  please wait. You're the love of my life. I'll die if I lose you.' _

Sousuke gives his phone back in the morning.  Rin fakes a smile, and they go to work just like that.   


 

 

****

 

 

 

 

Rin is feeling better. It took him time but, eventually after two whole months without swimming, without talking about  Nanase or Makoto,  Rin smiles again. Getting back on normal working day had helped a lot, actually. Monday s had too much meanings to  Rin , it still has somehow. He hadn't seen anyone new yet, but  Sousuke is confident about that. With the way he smiles lately, he is sure people with throw themselves at his feet in no time.

Sosuke doesn't go out with Makoto that often now. Since  Rin is back with him on Mondays they don't have their weekly coffee together near the police station, but they are still in touch - everything is fine, his sister is pregnant with  her first child,  and  he can't wait to be an uncle. He never asks about  Rin , and  Sousuke doesn't know if it's because he doesn't know or if it's because he does.

It's been two months, and  Sousuke feels the need to celebrate. He could have opted for the whiskey bottle but considering how it had ended last time, he decides otherwise.

Plus, his favorite restaurant is open on Monday s again. It's another reason to celebrate.

"They mostly do fish, but the hamburger is really good, too. You should try it."

"I think I'll try the curry monkfish."  Rin says brightly. "But thanks for the rec."

The air starts to get chilly.  Rin wanted to eat outside on the terrace, but  Sousuke feels a little bit cold with their summer uniforms; plus the restaurant is quite deserted. It seems the news of its reopening hasn't spread wild yet.

A very blond and energetic waiter takes their order and, later, brings their dish - rather quickly,  Sousuke notices. There must be even less people inside than what he had thought. He expectantly watches  Rin taking his first bite. He really, really wants him to like it - because it's his favorite restaurant and, also, because he wants to make  Rin happy, really happy.

Rin swallows, and moans.

"...is it really that good?"

"Sousuke , it's the best fish I have ever eaten. I swear it on my father's grave. This cook is a real killer.  Mmh ! It's-" he takes another bite. "It's perfectly spicy! Just the way I like it I swear. I never find restaurant's meals spicy enough usually but this -  _ this _ \- I want to eat this  everyday ."

Sousuke is glad, honestly; but still it doesn't change the fact that his own dish tasted better in his memory. Maybe it's because he had longed for it, for so long, and had too high expectations. It's probably that. What else could it be, really?

In any case,  Rin's fish is very spicy, so he empties two whole carafes by himself and of course, before they ask for the bill, he walks away to pee.

"Excuse me," he stops the blond waiter, who for  a n unknown reason looks distantly familiar to  Sousuke ,  and asks,  "Can you tell me where the bathroom is?"

"Inside the restaurant, first on the left."

"Thank you,"  Rin says quickly, and then he walk hastily - very hastily - towards his goal.

The waiter takes their plate, and  Sousuke can't help but look at him. Those eyes, he is sure he had seen there somewhere. And his voice too...

"...Have we met somewhere before?" The blond finally asks, when he comes back with the bill. "Oh, your friend isn't back yet, do you want me to wait-"

"Oh no, it's okay, he is my guest today. I have a feeling that I've-"

"Oh my! You're Makoto's policeman's friend! You're  Yamakazi -kun! Do you remember me? I'm  Nagisa. The incendiary!"

Sousuke blinks and then, the image of that day comes to his mind instantly. Of course, now he remembers - it was months ago, a lab had exploded and  Nagisa was found to be to culprit, after  Sousuke's investigation.

"So I got fired, and Makoto found me this job." The waiter says, quite depressed - he had taken  Rin's seat to tell his long stories. "It's not much but,  Haru is a friend, so he isn't very harsh on me."

The air is caught inside  Sousuke's throat. It's been two months, but still it feels weird to hear  Nanase's name again.

"It's nice of you to have come here. I've heard the place isn't quite what it was before."  Nagisa goes on. "I even think  Haru-chan considered sell ing this place, and to move somewhere else. Closer to the sea, he told me."

Sousuke tries to remain casual about this but all these information rush too fast in his head. He is just very glad that  Rin is still busy in the toilet.

So this is  Nanase's restaurant. It had been  Nanase's restaurant all along. His favorite place of all time  just  has to be  his .

"I used to eat better dishes here, I have to admit. But my friend's fish was..."

He smirks. Of course it was excellent. Of course it was perfect for  Rin ; because it's  Nanase's restaurant and because it's  Rin , and the guy probably still knows his taste by heart.

"He was really caught by this one."  Nagisa tells him. "It was really great, to see him smile again like that. It's been a while since he last enjoyed cooking. Maybe you should come here more often."

As soon as the waiter leaves,  Sousuke takes out his phone. He knows he should have erased it but he still keeps  Nanase's last texts for  Rin, the one he had never read. His stomach makes him ache.

What if he had messed this up again?

What if he should have showed him? Maybe it would have changed  Rin's mind. Because if  Rin is feeling better right now  Nanase isn't; it's so obvious - and if  Nanase is depressed then Makoto probably isn't doing any better. His hamburger isn't half the hamburger it used to be - and it's really such a shame, it used to be so good.

First on the left? Yeah, first on the left; that's what the waiter had said - and no,  Sousuke doesn't wonder why  Rin takes so much time in the bathroom. He doesn't wonder until he finds the door locked. Until he hears some people talking inside. Suddenly the scene looks  painfully familiar.

But they aren't in his kitchen anymore. Makoto isn't here, can't witness this; and  Rin had changed since that time.

Still,  Sousuke's heart skips a beat when he recognizes  Nanase's voice. 

"Nanase !" he shouts and slams on the wooden door, "I know you're in there. Open the door."

"It's okay,” comes  Rin's reply. It's a little bit weak, too weak for  Sousuke's taste and it does nothing but increases his resolve to take him out of the room, as soon as possible.

"No  Rin, it's not and you know it. Open me the door."    


 

"If you need to pee so badly then use the ladies' room." Rin yells; and he sounds, angry, frustrated, broken, hoarse...What the fuck is going on behind that door?

   


Sousuke doesn't care about the blond waiter's warnings behind him. He steps back and runs towards it. At first it didn't break open - and his shoulder will remember that tomorrow, that for sure - but the second rush is enough to kick the door down at last.

 

He would have never thought it will end up like this.

 

With Nanase and Rin pinned against the wall, their mouth locked and their tongue entwined, Nanase's hand hidden behind Rin's shirt and his ass being gripped by Rin's firm grasp. It's too late for the damage, he knows their blond friend must have seen it too and all the people that had gathered here out of curiosity. As soon as Sousuke breaks in the two long lovers jerk away from their heated embrace.   
  
   
  
"Shit I told you it was fine!" Rin mutters, his hand sweeping the drool from the corner of his mouth.  
  
   
  
"Is that what you call fine? Making out by the ex you're trying so hard to forget in a bathroom with the door locked? When did you think it ever was a good idea, Rin!?"

 

It's not the worse to see Rin in that state; with his shirt half open and his hair in a total mess - Nanase's hands had probably rested there at some point. What really feels unbearable is the way Nanase keeps looking at Rin, with so much pain and love and unconditional adoration. Rin is blushing crimson red and they try so hard not to look at each other, just like that day when they were in the living room that it literally makes Sousuke aches, physically. His chest hurts, just by looking at them, looking at the space they put between them, the safe space they need not to feel the urge to kiss again, to hold the other in his arms again, to love passionately like they used to. It makes no doubt that they probably are still head over heels with each other. It's like time hasn't had any effect on them. Their love seems even more powerful than before.

 

Rin adjusts his cap on his head, trying to hide the mess under it. Nanase comes closer and, instinctively Sousuke guesses, he readjusts it better and before they could realize his mistake they are close again, so close and their breath could probably be felt on the other's skin. Nanase hesitantly lifts his hand, and caresses Rin's cheeks. His trembling fingers are just barely touching the skin, as if he were afraid to stain him. He leans in, almost timidly - and it makes now no doubts that they absolutely don't care about the people around them anymore so Sousuke just closes the door, and even he hesitates to leave the two lovers alone in their own world. They kiss, once, twice, gently at first but then Rin lifts his hand on the back of Nanase's neck and deepens the kiss, and from there on they are lost again in each other's passion.

 

Sousuke just stands there, completely stunned, so much that he really doesn't know what he is supposed to do. He isn't sure of what to think about those two anymore. He only longs for everyone's happiness in the end, but right now everything seems so messed up. So much potential, so many possibilities of everything getting right and yet, everyone seems to be hurt.

 

Rin licks the chef's bottom lips before ending the kiss. He sighs, his breath is quavering and his thumb lovingly stroking small circles on Nanase's cheekbone. He closes his eyes.

 

"Sousuke, leave us alone for a minute, would you?"  

 

"No. I can't let you-"  

 

"Please. I want to end things face to face; and not with a text. We deserve it to be done properly."  

 

"No," Nanase whispers on Rin's face, "I don't want you to go. I barely feel alive since you've left me."  

 

"Haru. You know I love you. And I probably will love you till the end, but- it wasn't right. I gave you the choice, I gave you time-'"  

 

"No it's wrong." Nanase links their forehead together. "You didn't. I never chose this. I never chose to lose you."  

 

"You didn't choose to keep me either. You made me choose for you, for us. I loved you, God I fucking loved you Haru, and it broke me to lose you once. Don't put me through this all over again. I won't survive this."  

 

"What if I-"  

 

But Nanase's voice can't reach them, because their walkie-talkie's statics covers the sound of his voice.  

 

"Central to Unit 56. Code 211. Unit 56 answer the call."  

 

"This is Unit 56, we're about to finish lunch time." Sousuke answers, and urges Rin to get dressed faster - and so to get rid of Nanase's embrace. "Where is the Code 211 situated?"  

 

"Jeweler's store on the 6th avenue. The Mikoshiba brothers are already heading."  

 

His eyes widen. So do Nanase's. Impossible. How can he be aware of that detail?  

 

 "Possible 417, be careful Unit 56."  

 

"Roger central, we're moving." Rin says, and then he puts his walkie back at its place.   

 

"No!"  

 

The blue eyed man catches Rin's arm before he had the chance to go. "Don't go there. I don't want you to get shot there again!"  

 

"It's my job, let go off me; you don't have anything to say, because I am _not_ your boyfriend." Rin says harshly. "You have no right to let me down and then to cling on me months later. You have no right to do that to me, or to Makoto. Let me go Haru."  

 

"But I don't want to, not anymore!" Nanase is begging, but Rin manages to get rid of his grip on his arm and eventually, they escape the restaurant to get back on their car. Sousuke starts it and drives a little bit too fast, turns on the revolving lights as they go nearer and nearer to the place where Rin had been shot two years ago.

"I'm okay!" he says nervously. "Stop looking at me as if I was mentally unstable."

"I know you're fine, but that plus what had happened with  Nanase ..."

There is hardly silence with the siren howling outside, but none of them dare to talk for the couple of minutes that separates them from the crime scene. When they catch sight of the  Mikoshiba brothers,  Sousuke stops the car.

"I can't believe he remembered that."

Sousuke looks at  Rin while taking off the safety belt. "Remember what?"

"The cilantro. I told him once that I  kinda like it and he remembered it. He put some in the curry. I can't believe it. It was so long ago. It was an insignificant little details and he..."   


Rin's fist curls into a ball. He unfolds his belt as well.

"How did he know  about  the shooting? You told him as well?"

"I told him it  had been during a jeweler's attack but never where it was, precisely. The owner must be cursed. Two  times in two years."

They hear a gunshot inside the store. The younger  Mikoshiba gets out by the door, holding his arm painfully.

"Holy shit, we'd better go."

"I hope  Seijuro is alright."  Rin pulls out his gun and runs toward the entrance, hidden behind a car.

"Yeah, me too... "

Sousuke loads his gun and follows  Rin behind his hiding place. He really hopes things will go nicely this time. He won't allow  Rin to get hurt again, not on his watch. He will make sure of that.

  


 

 


	2. Haru - The Man Who fell in Love on Mondays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They swam together on a Monday, and even without seeing him what the water told him about the other man was enough to make his whole body go hot with excitement.
> 
> Aka
> 
> The story of how Haru meets Rin on a Monday afternoon and of how it might be a decision he will never regret.
> 
> (If only he knew)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So much to say about this chapter...it was kinda, hella hard you know? But I'm not complaning I've chose that plot so now I have to stick to it, no matter how hard it is. Anyway this is Haru POV, and since he is kinda dating Makoto except some MakoHaru briefly moments (cause I couldn't make them last it's too hard) and some good RinHaru angst.
> 
> Also, some bad porn at the end xD
> 
> (and ao3 is still being a dick so don't mind the random spaces I've spent literally 2 hours trying to fixing it)

 

 

# Haru - The Man Who Fell in Love on Mondays

 

 

The 'Distant Ocean' is where Makoto's sister decided to have brunch the following day of her wedding. It doesn't bother  Haru much, to be honest; he loves cooking and he likes Ran a lot. So no, it's not because he has to work on Sunday that his hands are shaking with annoyance when he tries to open the oysters - no, it's because of the wedding itself. Ran was beautiful that day in her white dress; her and her husband are perfect together, there is no denying that. It's just that  Haru doesn't really understand the concept of 'Weddings', and why Makoto's family urges them to formalize their relationship.

Makoto didn't say anything about that of course, or even ask anything but  Haru is tired of the looks he gives him. He is waiting; waiting for  Haru to be ready and, frankly,  Haru isn't sure that he will ever feel ready for something as big as that.

Nagisa and  Rei have accepted to help him with the service. There is almost a hundred people here, celebrating on the second day of the wedding: but as much as he wants to enjoy this as much as Makoto does,  Haru can't find anything appealing in front of his eyes. 

(He remembers, when he was a kid, what his mother had told him when he had asked why she had married his father. "It's because, he was 'the one', you know?" She had said, and even if  Haru was still a child at that time, his mother never treated him like one and so, it took him several years to really  understand the meaning of those words.)

They end up closing near 8 pm. It took them almost three long hours to tidy up the place entirely.  Nagisa and  Rei spent the evening at their place, talking about love, future, and engagement - of  course, the recent event lend it to those kinds of chatting.

"Don't ever tell this to  Rei,"  Nagisa tells him, just before they leave, "but I've seen him talking to Ran's husband a lot today. I think he even asked him where he bought the ring - it was that place that had been robbed two years ago, remember? I think he is going to propose to me!"

Haru is grateful that Makoto is still busy in the kitchen and not standing here beside him; the moment would have been even more stressful. He is ridiculously happy for them, they deserve it but Haru also knows what kind of thoughts run behind those purple eyes, as  Nagisa smiles at him, expectantly. They should be the next. In fact, in everyone else's eyes they should already  be married. That's what all of their relatives say.

As if they know better than them, what their relationship is about, and what they should do about it.  Haru is tired of that. He is tired of being judged because he doesn't give what Makoto deserves in everyone else's eyes.

Because that night when Makoto holds him close in his embrace, the warmth  irradiating from this  chest feels unbearable, and the sole fact that he can't stand it anymore makes him ache. 

Because he can't help but think, and no matter how hard he tries to lure his own heart, that Makoto isn't 'the one' his mother had told him about.

 

 

When  Haru wakes up alone in his bed this Monday it's only to feel like a horrible person - Makoto isn't there anymore and the atmosphere is undoubtedly less suffocating.  He rolls on his back and stares blankly at the ceiling. He isn't what people would call unhappy, that's for sure; but deep inside he knows that he is not quite blooming either. Makoto takes good care of him, and  Haru really deeply cares for him, too. They live together in perfect harmony and fight very little.  It's calm, it's as if he were swimming in a lake where the water is tamed. If only it was...more...

But water is water, right? There is no point in changing it; the feeling will still be the same.

The one of his bath isn't enough to calm his nerves though, so in his journey to find out if he should do what everybody is waiting for him to do or listen to his own desires instead,  Haru ends up in the swimming pool near his restaurant. The place isn't as crowded as he recalls it to be and it pleases him - he doesn't like being bothered, and people still stare at him when he swims; that makes him...annoyed, not really uncomfortable but he wishes people would stop being rude just because he is naturally talented.

He dives.  And swims, for almost half an hour straight without stopping. And then it happens, very suddenly. 

At first it's just the tip of his fingers; he can feel pins and needles and after a short moment it's almost as if they feel numb. He stops, and then looks at them. They're prune, maybe they have stayed in the water too much ; it's something that happens a lot to him - for he swims really restlessly - and so he just shrugs, and resumes swimming, not giving it too much of a thought.

Then it's the water itself that feels different.  Haru stops swimming for a moment - because this is something resolutely  _ weird _ \- and takes a look at his surroundings . Someone is swimming in the line next to his, and it's this fact alone that makes everything change. The swimmer is good, he is really good -  _ ridiculously good  _ Haru notices - and for no reason  at all Haru wants to pass him. Is that jealousy? Is that because he feels bored? Is that because his life misses some challenge to make it thrilling again?

It's childish, but  Haru really wants to be ahead and so, of course when the swimmer passes him again he feels pissed, out of himself; how dare that stranger - _ how dare he _ be better in the water than him?

It ends up in a race. He doesn't even look at the other, the water tells him everything he needs to know; his pace, the way his arms move as they breach the surface of the pool, the swinging of the legs. Outside, he can hear people cheering  for them. He gives everything he's got, and in the end he loses but still, he feels like he had won something entirely different in return.  Haru is breathless. His whole body is  on fire. His heart is beating like it had never beat before and suddenly the world around  him  is not the same. The colors are brighter. The smell of chlorine is nicer than before. It's almost as if  Haru feels...is that what people usually called 'Bliss'?

But it only lasts an instant. The moment he gets out of the pool, everything is back to being dull.

He looks for the swimmer. There is no one in the line next to him anymore, but he hears some people chatting near the line. He turns around. His eyes fall his back. The swimmer is taking a picture with his cellphone, with two other girls in bikini.  Haru stares at this back for too long, and when the swimmer is about to turn around  Haru just doesn't know why, but he feels the need to leave the pool very, very quickly - so he runs to the locker room and goes straight home after that. He curls into a ball, until Makoto comes back and he has to make dinner.

"A double date?" Haru repeats. 

(Even if it was his day off  Haru can't stop cooking. And to deal with the frustration he has cooked for a whole regiment - they  will  have enough for the entire week.)

"Hmfh," muffs Makoto; he swallows his food, "My friend's name is  Sousuke. He said he lives with a guy and that they want to meet new people. But you don't have to-"

"Okay,"  Haru says, and then he pours him some water and pretends not to see the dumbfounded look on his boyfriend's face.

Meeting new people seems like a good idea. It's a new challenge. It will  untame the water he used to live in, it will only be for the best; it will help him forget the lack of pins in needles on his finger, the lack of warmth in his chest he had felt since he got out of the pool that evening. 

If only he knew.

 

*

 

 

 

The guy who waits in front of the restaurant is wearing a pair of black printed jeans and  Haru honestly thinks he had never seen something uglier in his whole life. He has a hood covering his head - it had stopped raining but maybe it's just to look, you know,  _ cool _ \- and a greyish vest that doesn't suit his tan at all. The guy is waiting, his hands hidden in his pockets and leans against the wall casually, as if it was natural, as if it was okay to just wait alone in front of a restaurant in such a posture. 

Haru hopes it's not Makoto's friend. He doesn't like him, not at all, not one bit.

He almost bites on his cheek when Makoto goes to talk to him.

"You're  Sousuke's friend ?" He asks, and then the guy smiles, brightly.

He has very sharp teeth,  Haru notices. And a very charming smile.  And very red eyes. They feel like burning when they meet  Haru's \- he looks away, brusquely, and never looked at him in the eye again as the dinner goes on.

 

* *

 

The next time he sees  Rin it's at the pool.

For no apparent reason,  Haru decided that now every Monday he will close the restaurant and go swimming instead. It's not because of what happened last time, he repeats in his head; it's just because the pool is less crowded and that it feels nicer to swim on week days. And, having Monday for himself is only going to be good for them; for him and Makoto.  Haru needs some time to think on his own, and he can't do that when Makoto is always there, always taking care of him and always looking at him with so much love in his eyes, without asking him something in return - it's making him sick.

The weight on his shoulder and the guilt of not loving him the way Makoto does are crunching him. The water helps to remove some of it, and it's all he needs for now - just a little bit of respite - or so he thinks.

"Hey," someone calls him as he closes his locker, "Nanase? That's  your name, right?"

It comes from the guy  from yesterday, the redhead who had been with Makoto's friend. He is still fully dressed when he reaches him; he has probably just entered the pool.  Haru never expected to see him there too. Well, the guy had told them during dinner that they used to be pro swimmers years ago but it has never occurred to  Haru that he would still be swimming here.  And on a Monday afternoon, on top of that.    


They shake hands and then,  Haru waits for him to change, without realizing it.  Rin walks away first.

He sees his back and suddenly it strikes him  – his eyes widen; he wants to reach him .

"It was you," he breathes. 

Rin turns around and just by the look on his face  Haru sees  that he knows what he is  referring to - and  Haru is glad that he isn't the only one to have been troubled by last week's race. It feels like both of them had received a hammer blow at the exact same moment and,  Rin has this tiny, cute blush on his face that  Haru can't explain. The red head guy laughs first and scratches the back of his head. They end up swimming together until the pool closes its doors, eventually .

"Hey,  Nanase, long time no see."

It's Coach  Sasabe, the owner - since he stops working on weekends  Haru had less opportunity to see him.

"Hey, I'm there too."  Rin complains behind them.

"Oi but Matsuoka is there as well! Like every Monday, huh?" He grins to them. "You two finally met! I was sure this was going to happen some day. You're the two best swimmers I've seen in my career, and it's really saying something."

They talk a bit, about how the two of them are good at swimming, about how happy he is to have an ancient pro swimmer in his complex. He walks with them a little bit further until he reaches his car and then, the coach disappears from their view with his old, blaring engine.

Haru hasn't realized they have stood side by side, watching the car leaving; the sunset  is breathtaking in front of them and its warm orange colors illuminate  Rin's hair, his face,  his eyes. Suddenly  Haru's stomach aches and it makes  him feel not so hungry anymore, despite having swum so much.

"So, hum,"  Rin starts, his eyes still stuck on the sun slowly disappearing behind the town's countless buildings, "You come here often? I mean regularly. I mean when-"

"You only come here on Monday, right?"

Rin looks at him; his eyes taken by surprise shine even more.  "Yeah. I work on weekends and it's my only day off so-"

"Then I'll see you next Monday."

They part just like that. When  Haru gets home the sky is already dark. He barely cooks for two and leaves everything to Makoto - he falls asleep before he could even hear him join him under the sheets.

 

* * *

 

Very quickly,  Haru gets addicted to swimming on Mondays - swimming with  Rin. 

With the wedding now long behind them he thought things would get better at home - and  they did, really. Things with Makoto were back to normal but still,  Haru felt out of place. He knew something was off, and he knew it because he couldn't cook  like he used to. He hadn't been able to do a single dish the way he wanted it to be for the whole week.

Truth is, Haru feels on nerves all week until Sunday's evening comes. Every single thing that goes wrong is a huge trigger; and he caught himself shouting at Makoto for nothing, for a little spoon put away with the forks, for the bottle of milk on the wrong place on the fridge, for a lonely sock in the washing machine. And then, Makoto calls him an angry wife and he just gets out of the room and stop talking to him until they kiss at night.

Makoto kisses the back of his neck and mumbles a good night, and  Haru just nods in response. He can't wait to sleep, he can't wait for the day to be over,  he can't wait for Monday to be here.

He finds himself in front of the pool's entrance by 9 AM.  Coach  Sasabe greets him and asks him why he isn't coming inside - no one is there yet, he'll have the pool just for himself.

"I'm waiting for Matsuoka." He says, and it feels weird to call him by his surname for no reason.

It's not until he's told that  Rin only comes in the afternoon that  Haru feels like the dumbest person in the world. And yet, he can't find the strength to go back home without having swum with him - and so he waits. 

He hears his steps coming before he can even see him. It's nearly 11 AM when finally  Rin comes into view.  Haru feels a bolt of excitement and of joy in his chest; and the way  Rin looks at him and smiles and walks faster to meet him makes his heart beat even faster.

He should have known, by then, that there was something wrong with him, with them. But those feelings were way too foreign for him to truly understand them yet.

"Don't tell me you've been waiting for me,  Nanase ?"

"Barely," he lies.  Rin grins and they get inside, and  Haru prays for  Sasabe not to be here, or to make a comment about how he had been sitting here for two whole hours.

 

 

"Here is my number," says  Rin casually as they exit the pool with their hair wet from the shower. "I never come on the same hour because I like to oversleep. I'll call you when I'm ready. That way you won't have to wait for me the whole day."

His tone is playful and  cocky; and  usually  Haru would hate it but he finds out that, with  Rin it feels alright. It even feels nice. It suits him well, too well. He shrugs and jerks the thought away; everything suits  Rin anyway.

And with his number cautiously kept safe in his memory, the wait until next Monday is easier to  bear.  They text, a lot on certain days; barely on others. Haru quickly finds it hard not to talk to  Rin every day - he thinks about him too much when he doesn't hear from him, and when he thinks he can't cook well, and then Makoto worries and takes him in his arms.

"You carried your cellphone with you a lot recently." He told him when they're about to change into their night clothes.

"It's because I swim with  Rin on Mondays."  Haru says, and for him it makes perfect sense but he has absolutely no clue that it sounds like he has missed the point.

Makoto stills for a moment, and  Haru pretends he hasn't noticed. Why would he, anyway? Why couldn't he swim with  Rin if he wanted to?

"We're just swimming," he says then, and really he doesn't know why he feels the urge to justify his action, to justify the fact that yes, he speaks with  Rin, yes he enjoys his company and yes, he likes to swim with him. It's almost as if it was  bad, in a way. But as long as it was just about swimming, he wasn't doing anything wrong, was he?

"I know," Makoto says, and then he runs his hand on  Haru's back, sensually .

They usually don't get in the mood a lot after all these years but recently, Makoto had been quite demanding - and  Haru always gives in, in the end. He wonders why sometimes, why now, why Makoto clings on him so desperately, with when he moves inside him he does with a little less tenderness than before. He wonders, for a short while, and then his eyes get lost on the white ceiling and he drifts away.

 

 

* * * *

 

 

 

It takes him some time but, eventually,  Haru finds out about what is wrong with him.  With  Rin. With them.

On their forth Monday together  Rin is stopped by two girls that he probably knows from before - they want to chat, apparently; and they are smiling a bit too much for  Haru's taste but it's not like he  will  speak his mind. It's not a problem;  Rin is kind of a celebrity here,  Haru knows that and had already witnessed that kind of behavior towards him. After all  Rin is nice, easy to talk and really,  _ really _ good looking. 

It's been five minutes now since they've started chatting but still,  Haru waits. Even if it's just to walk a minute and then part away, even for such a short time they could spend together, he will always wait for  Rin. Because every minute, every second spend with him are precious to him, because they're the last they can have  together until the next Monday; they're seconds he likes to cherish -  and then the wait will start and  Haru finds it harder and harder to cope with it recently. He has tried to swim alone after a day of work, but without  Rin it doesn't feel the same. It does feel a little bit lonely; but usually  Haru won't mind that.

It's only after a brief moment that  Sasabe coach nudges him.

He hadn't realized he had been staring.

"Ah, I know," he says; and his eyes look envious, "with a body and a face like that I could have had so much more success with the ladies - and just look at the way he smiles, lately. That guy is a lady-killer.  Did you know some women only come here on Monday to see him?" He winks, but Haru doesn't even notice.  


Sasabe's words slide on him like a cool breeze; he isn 't listening to him, he never has because his eyes can't get off of  Rin's silhouette – and the sight blows his mind away. He already knew that  Rin looks good, and that he is handsome and that the way he smiles - his fucking smile \- could probably make the whole North Pole melt away in an instant. He has always been aware of  Rin's good looks and still, just now it hits him, and it hits him hard, so hard that he literally can't look away from him .

It's one thing to acknow ledge someone's beauty; it's an entire  other  thing  to actually feel attracted to that someone.  Haru can't move a muscle; his whole body is paralyzed by the thought of liking  Rin in a physical way because, it never  had  happened to him before; and because it feels so wrong and yet so good at the same time.

"Is there something on my face,  Nanase? Or did I just catch you staring at my beautiful face?"

Haru almost gasps.  Rin's face is just inches away and his eyes are scanning his own as if he was trying to decipher his internal turmoil and so,  Haru looks away; his eyes fall on  Rin's shoes and he lies, again.

"Barely."

But his heart knows better now.

 

 

(He tries to text  Rin less after that. The first days he keeps his phone at work just in case there is an emergency but as it stays in his pocket the cellphone feels like burning on his thigh. It's mentally tiring and hurting him so in the end he just decides to leave it at home. On Friday night when he comes home late from work after closure – it's already Saturday morning actually, something like 1 AM – he has a message from  Rin.

_ 'Did I say something wrong?' _ it says. 

Haru almost misses the strength not to tell him the truth, to tell him that no of course, he didn't do anything wrong apart from existing and that  Haru needs some time to deal with that properly. But it surely doesn't make any sense so, he just sends  _ 'No, busy week' _ instead.

_ 'See you on Monday then?' _ Rin asks.

Haru waits ten minutes before replying  _ 'Yes' _ – he doesn't want to sound too eager but really he is. He hasn't realized how much he has missed  Rin until he read his text and imagined him saying those words to him. He imagines his voice, the curve of his lips as he would  speak, his worried red eyes and his eyebrows arcing in fear of his answer…

He erases them.  All of  Rin's messages.

Even when he's not physically here, his presence is too much  for  Haru.)

 

 

 

The next Monday they both come at the opening of the pool. There is a small message written in capital letters with bad English – it's  Sasabe's handwriting. The pool is  _ ' cloused ' _ .  Damn the gastroenteritis epidemic.

They stand still, immobile for a while like perfect idiots and even when some people come by and ask then what the matter is; only  Rin manages to mumble some kind of explanations as  Haru's mind stays blank. So what,  are  they  just going to say goodbye  and part like that? There is no reason for  Rin to stay with him if the pool is closed, right? If it's not for the swimming then, they don't have any excuses to spend some  more  time together.  Rin scratches the back of his head again – he does that a lot,  Haru had noticed – and he wishes it's not because he doesn't know how to get rid of him.

The tips if his fingers already start to feel numb again.  Haru even somehow doubts he will make it till next Monday. There are a million other places where they could hang out; but still, the words  _ 'I want to stay with you' _ can't find their way past his lips. Why is that so hard to ask something so trivial in first place? Why does it have to be so complicated and so much impossible as soon as it concerns  Rin?

Why does it have to affect him so much?

Haru can't think of anything to stay to make  Rin stay with him. But, it seems  Rin has heard his inner voice, and speaks for them both.

"Do you want to hang out to my place?"

 

 

And that's how they end up, at 10 AM, together alone watching TV on  Rin's couch. The leather seat is old and used to the rope but it's not the reason why  Haru feels so uncomfortable. It's exactly as if they hadn't left the pool's entrance. There is nothing on TV except kids show – not that  Haru minds – and  Rin is so tense, so much on edge that  Haru sits far from him, as far as possible on the opposite side of the couch and he fixes the TV screen with all his will just so that he can ignore  Rin's attitude. 

"I'm…I'm sorry it's just that…"  Rin's fists curl into a ball on his thighs, "I'm not used to bring dudes here…without…you know."

"You don't invite friends to your house?"  Haru asks innocently.

"Haru when I said 'dudes' I wasn't talking about the friendly kind of dudes."

"…Oh."

It takes him too long to understand, and too long to realize what it could be implying. What if  Rin wanted  to-

"Don't worry, it's not like I'm  gonna jump on you. I'm not an animal – I know you have someone. I have morals."

And then all  Haru can think of is that  Rin didn't say that he didn't  like him that way – he won't try something because  _ 'you have someone _ ' not because  _ 'he doesn't want to' _ and th is kind of change s the way  Haru sees the light – the colors – the future - life itself.

They go back on watching TV after that.  Haru still can't move a single muscle; it's part from the still very awkward atmosphere and partly because somehow what had said  Rin had made him destabilized – he feels from that speech a mixed feeling of excitement, frustration and deception, quickly swallowed by the guilt of wanting another man lusting after him, some one else than Makoto. Does he really want  Rin to want him that much now? That's new. That's new and dangerous, very dangerous – he should really get out from here before it's too late, before something irreversible happens and starts a storm in his life, a huge storm that could destroy everything he has so far. He should but of course, he doesn't - because deep inside he wants to stay with  Rin, even if it feels weird and wrong.

After a few  more  moments of silence and tension, finally, one of them decides that it's enough.

"I'll  go make some tea."  Haru mutters; and he gets up before  Rin could stop him.

Rin joins him when he is  half way done in the kitchen.  Haru had found the kettle but is still looking for the tea cups and the leaves. They're in the cupboard above his head – he feels  Rin's warmth irradiating from behind, his chest almost touching his back through the thin material of their shirt, and then Rin gets on his toes and  he  grasps  Haru's shoulder for balance.  Haru wants to freeze, really, he doesn't want anything but to be repulsed by  Rin's hands and by the way he looks at him and flirts with him and his breathtaking smile but of course he can't be that lucky. His shoulder melts, leans into  Rin's touch and then his back falls smoothly on his chest. Rin takes two cups and puts them next to the kettle, and before he withdraws his grip on him  Haru is sure that he feels his thumb gently stroking his arm.

"I'll take care of this," he says, with his voice soft and too close to his ear, "go make  yourself comfortable."

His inner voice wants to scream that he'll never be more comfortable than in his arms. He has to  do something about that; his inner voice is scaring him when he stays too long too close to  Rin .

He wants to meet his gaze but  Rin is already showing him his back when  Haru turns around. Even when the tea is ready and fuming in their cup,  Rin acts normal, as if nothing had  happened when it has, really .

Rin is still pretty silent. It's not that  Haru minds – it does feel a little bit less awkward since they came back from the kitchen – but as he studies  Rin, the way his fingers are crisped on the cup, the way his eyes look lost deep in thought, the way his eyebrows flinch; he easily guesses that the redhead feels uneasy. He keeps on studying him as  Rin looks everywhere but at him. Then something comes  up to his mind and he remembers - something he wanted to ask but never really dared to.

"What happened to your arm?"

There is a scar the shape of a star, all white, just at the top of his right arm. He often saw it when they were swimming – and he also noticed how his left arm was slightly more powerful than his right – and had always wondered how it got there. Probably on duty but who knows –  Rin could have been part of a gang, or a drug dealer, or had broken the wrong heart.

"What? Oh,"  Rin puts his cup and lifts his arm, "You mean the bullet I guess?"

 

 

From then they start to talk casually again.  Rin is really thrilled and passionate by his work, it seems; something they both have in common. His smile is back on his face faster than lightening and it's already lunch time before they can notice.

"I don't have a lot,"  Rin says as he opens the fridge, "Do you want a beer?"

"Why not." He isn't used to drink except on particular events – like, Ran's wedding for example – but everything with  Rin sounds like a new adventure so, yeah really why not have a beer with  Rin – all of the people – it's not like anything bad could happen between them if he gets drunk . "I'll cook something for you."

"I'm not making you work on your day off  Nanase ."

"Shut up, you're a pain...I'll cook if I want to."

Rin offers him an uncapped beer. "You know," he says as it's  Haru's turn to look into the fridge, "We could go jogging after lunch, if you want to."

Haru's glad that his face is hidden behind the fridge's door. "Ah," he just says, but inside his heart is jolting in his chest at the thought that he is going to spend more time with  Rin – and he smiles.

He finds out soon enough that  Rin is way  faster than him –  Haru hasn't run in a while to be honest and he doesn't really like jogging that much – plus, the alcohol in his veins isn't  quite  making things any better.  Haru is panting heavily when they come back when  Rin is just slightly breathing quicker than usual. It's not fair.

"If you've told me you were that awful at handling alcohol I wouldn't have made you jog. God,  Haru , a single beer – okay it was a 7% one but still."

"Shut up."

"Ah  ah, someone sounds bitter.  Bad loser?" Rin hands him a glass of water. "Stay on the couch; you need something to eat before getting back. Or shall I call Makoto to pick you up?"

"Makoto's still at work. I'll go back alone."  Haru sits and tries not to think about Makoto – his head hurts too much for the moment.

Right now the couch doesn't seem that uncomfortable – it's maybe thanks to the beer and the physical exercise combined – and when  Rin joins him and covers him with a soft, dove blanket it feels even better.

"Here."  Rin's voice is warm and very soothing; it makes him want to sleep. It's like if he really cares about his well-being – and  Haru hides his blush under the soft blanket.

"Sousuke won't be there until a couple of hours, we can watch a movie until you feel better."  Rin proposes and so they are, watching one of  Rin's favorite films involving  _ water _ – that was  Haru's only condition – and there are sharks and people crying and limbs and blood everywhere – nothing  Haru really cares for, especially when he can have the opportunity to stare at  Rin the whole time - because he seems pretty  excited  by the movie and doesn't pay much attention to him.

Shall it be by fatigue or because  Haru really yearns for it, but around the middle of the film his head falls on  Rin's shoulder and stays here until the end. He feels  Rin tense up a brief instant and  Haru closes his eyes, enjoying the closeness of their heat.

His mind is pretty fucked up at this point. By Rin - the beer -  Rin - his scent - the run -  Rin - the fatigue -  Rin and  Rin only;  Haru feels like he is intoxicated and his instincts overtake what was remaining of his thin resolve to avoid any physical and potentially addictive contacts with  Rin. Under the blanket he can guess where  Rin's hand is. And he gets the silly idea that, what  will  happen under the blanket will stay under the blanket. It's really stupid but hey,  Rin had behaved as if they hadn't touched back in the kitchen the entire day; he is the one who started it, it's not  Haru .

He  slides his fingers just next Rin's . He isn't touching him, not yet; he just wants  Rin to take notice of them and see the way he reacts to his move first. Would he let him touch him, despite what he said this morning? It's a childish wish, again, but it's one of those Haru can't resist. When  Rin doesn't move an inch he rubs his head against his shoulder again.  Rin finally looks at him, hesitantly. And then, it's like he is afraid of him.

Haru stares lazily at him, his inner voice is screaming. _'_ _Take it _ _'_ it says, _'_ _ Take my hand. No one will see, no one will notice, no one will know, not even us if we want to. Take my hand then, the moment you release it forget it had happened. It's alright…it's alright… ' _

(Except of course, it's not. But it's a truth  Haru chooses to ignore.)

Rin looks back at the movie – it's more like he wants to look at something that isn't  Haru with his hazy, dark eyes – and  Haru almost resigns but then,  he feels something tickling his little finger.  It's small and hot, incredibly hot – it's  Rin's own  finger, caressing his. The heat spreads like  wildfire through his arm and chest, and then to his whole body, from his limbs to the tip of his hairs and finally to his groin.  God,  Rin's finger crossing on his own is enough to make  Haru half hard; what would it be when he'll use all of them  and more -

There is a cry on the  TV, and intense violin music playing in the back ground – someone had been eaten and suddenly  Rin seems to care but  Haru really doesn't.  His mind is clouded by all these dirty thoughts about  Rin and his little finger just curling around his own. He brushes the tip of his fingers against  Rin's knuckles; his cheeks are hot and yet he  can feel goose bumps  forming  on his skin. He tries to force himself into  Rin's hand, stretching his fingers so that his own could get in between them. He does it slowly, not to brusque him,  not to scare him; he fondles them sensually and longingly and when finally  Rin surrenders  Haru can't help but  let out the breath he was holding.

He is totally turned on now just by them holding hands, hidden under the blanket to everyone else's eyes; and  Haru still thinks somehow that it's still okay, that it will pass eventually, that he can still go back and erase all of these feelings and yearnings he has for  Rin. It has to be that way ; he  doesn't have any  other choice left.

But his body seems to ignore what his mind is thinking, again;  Haru leans on  Rin's shoulder more and grasps his hand harder, as if  he  wanted to leave his print on him, as if he wanted  Rin not to forget about him when he'll be gone. The movie ends shortly after that. 

He wants Rin to kiss him, badly.  Very, very badly.

"Haru,"  Rin says, and he hasn't spoken in a while – none  of them  has – so that his voice sounds hoarse. His eyes are shaking, fearing something ; he tries to get away from  Haru's grip. And suddenly the heat is gone, long gone and  Haru feels cold, hollow and empty. "You should go now ; really, just go home."  Rin adds, and then  Haru doesn't struggle against him when he releases his hand and gets out of the couch.

As he closes the door of his home and goes to the bathtub in a hurry,  Haru stays dazed, thinking about what had happened – and what didn't – what he had thought of – and who he didn't think of – and the reminiscence of  Rin's skin on his own. The water is hot enough to leave red print of his skin but he doesn't care, doesn't feel it because it nowhere as hot as  Rin's hands caressing his own.  Haru disappears into his bath, his head touching the end of the tub, and he tries to reorganize his thoughts, tries to understand truly what's happening to him.

Does he  want Rin that badly now?

Has he gone mad?

Or was it just the beer and the endorphins' rush after they jogged?

Will he stay a coward and refuse to  acknowledge the problem or will he face it at the end of the day?

Because, in hindsight and contrary to what he had judged all along; his behavior isn't okay, not at all. He is not just swimming with  Rin now. They are flirting. Dangerously flirting and it's scaring him how much he enjoys it and looks forward  to it when it really shouldn't make him feel that way.

Makoto comes back late this day. Dinner is already  served, the table is set; they are some candles in between the dishes and a  lot of ginger hidden here and there .  Haru isn't the one who initiates thing usually but today he is horny, horny as hell and it pains him to know it's absolutely not because of his love for Makoto – but he kisses him anyway because they are the only lips he'll allowed  himself to kiss.  He can't wait for them to reach the bed, or the sofa – they make love on the floor just next to the table, and  when they finally catch their breath  Makoto holds him close to his heart, holds him back when  Haru wants to get up to wash the dishes.

"We'll do that tomorrow," he mumbles, and he sighs contently on the crook oh  Haru's neck.

He looks happier than he has never been for the past few weeks,  Haru realizes as he strokes his hair out of his face once Makoto is fast asleep. He looks happier and  Haru knows it's because of him – while on the other hand  Haru certainly doesn't feel miserable but not quite happy as well, and deep inside he  knows , and he knows he won't be able to ignore this any longer; this, what he has now, is no longer enough.

 

 

* * * * *

 

 

 

Haru isn't sure if he is ready to face  Rin, so that's why he comes late at the pool this Monday – that way if he misses him he will have an excuse, he could say something else that 'I messed up last time and I don't really know how to handle being next to you anymore'. He checks his phone every now and then  as he paints their new cupboard – another hobby of his – but then, each time that he finds no text from  Rin he gets a little bit more frustrated. His  strokes are messy, and when he finally ruins the painting because of how troubled he is  Haru decides it's time to go to the pool. 

"Ah, at last you come!"  Sasabe greets him. It's nearly 4 PM and the pool is full of people already. "I thought you two got sick."

"Rin didn't come?"

"No, not yet. Did something happen? You look so inseparable these days-"

Haru gets inside and changes, half fearing, half hoping that  Rin will come out of the door to bug him, say something like 'I bet you missed me,  Nanase ' because he really did but  Rin doesn't show  up today, and  Haru stays  till the closure to make sure of it – as for why he wanted so badly to be sure that  Rin won't  be there,  Haru prefers not to think about it too much, for he might not like the answer.

 

 

"Haru , are you feeling okay?"

"Ah."

When he comes home Makoto is there, Makoto is smiling, Makoto  is loving him as strongly as it's humanly possible – probably – and it makes him feel better just to know that he will always be there for him. As soon as he gets into his arms though, it devastates him that he can't love him back as much.

"I see you painted, it looks great, as usual."

"I messed it up."

Even if it's true Makoto doesn't say anything, he just smiles and reassures him, endlessly; because it's just how he is. Their relationship had always been this way. Even if  Haru messes up Makoto will be okay with that, because it's Makoto and his dearest dream is for them to be together forever, throughout everything – even if he has to suffer and to keep his own feelings to himself in the process, as long as  Haru is here he doesn't mind anything and  Haru wants to scream. Is this really how things are supposed to be?

Will they really be happy that way?

Could Makoto bear with him if he tells him about  Rin ?

And could  he ever bear to break Makoto's heart?

Haru has never felt so torn in his entire life. It doesn't get easier when he gets a new message from  Rin while Makoto is taking his bath and  Haru can't help but think 'finally' and be happy about it.

_ 'I'm sorry.  Couldn't get to the pool today. Hope you haven't waited for me all  day :p._ _'_ It says.

He wishes he knew how to act so coolly like  Rin does every time he needs it.

Rin …

The way he smiles, the way he moves. The  feel of his skin on his own, the brightness of his voice singing in his ears, the assurance in his flaming gaze when he looks at him without blinking. How he can make him feel invincible when they're together, how he literally lights something in  Haru's chest as soon as they race. How  Haru misses him as soon as they part. How  Haru is so fond of him after such a short amount of time...

He adores  Rin. He adores him so much; he's found his way under his skin and now  Rin can't get off of his mind – he is everywhere, in everything  Haru sees, in everything he feels or touches, even when is with Makoto his mind can't stop but think about  Rin. 

He looks at his hand, at his little finger, the one which had touched  Rin first – and the only thought of that moment sends him chills down his spine – and his mind isn't that torn when he answers him, in all honesty;     


_ 'I miss you.' _

It's other step he takes, closer to the line he shall never cross – but he hasn't reach it yet, so he doesn't care and continue s to lure himself a little bit further into the illusion that they still have enough safety margin to use.

 

(But they never had some to begin with.)

 

* * * * * *

 

Haru never noticed before that there were some brown bands on  Rin's swimsuit – on his inner thighs, to be more precise. They are siting next to each other on the pool's edge, their legs in the water; and they're watching people swimming past them – well,  Rin does,  be cause  Haru's eyes are glued on  Rin's thighs. 

He wants to lie down and take a nap on them.

They look so muscular and yet so soft and comfortable. It's like they are calling for him. The fact that they are sitting pretty close doesn't have anything to do with the way  Haru acts around him anymore – it's insane, but  Haru likes  Rin more than he had imagined he could and after his smile and his little finger,  Haru is now fascinated by his thighs.

He had come at peace with this, really. He likes  Rin. There is nothing wrong about that – as long as he just likes him and doesn't touch him, he decided, he can't do something wrong, so it's okay to stare so openly at the other male's body. Everybody does stare a  Rin anyway. Why not him?

(It never occurs to him that  Rin might be another human being and that he might have an opinion to share about this and that he might even have feelings too but hey it's  Haru and his mind is fucked up because of  Rin so he really, doesn't want to care for him more than he already does right now.)

Haru's gaze is still lost on  Rin's thigh – and it goes higher, just a little bit higher, just in between his legs and then he stops breathing for a short moment – when he feels something hot against his ear. It's  Rin 's breath. His face is very close to his, he can even feel the tip of his eyelashes brushing past his hair.

"Haru …"  Rin's lips move against his earlobe, moist from the pool, "Haru you should stop staring at me like that." He breathes, and to  Haru it sounds like a moan –  Rin moans his name in his ears and then the world starts spinning too fast for him – and he can't love a muscle, he cannot even tear his eyes off of  Rin's groin. His whole body feels like shivering as soon as  Rin moves so close to him. 

"Don't look at me  with your hot eyes like that,  as if you want me badly."  Rin devilishly runs his lips on  Haru's ear, "You're  turning me on,  Haru."

_ 'You're the one  who  drove me crazy first ' _ he wants to reply, bitterly – because really he can't do anything when  Rin is near him, he used to a long time ago; when he hadn't touched his hand or run with him  or found him fucking attractive or seen his smile or just fucking swum with him but now he can't because  Rin is overwhelming,  Rin's presence his eating him alive and it's destroying all of his defenses and beliefs and morals and everything he thought he knew about life and love.

Haru jumps into the pool, without any kind of warning. He is safe here.  Rin can't reach him. Water has always been his best ally. It will hide the blush on his cheek, the pouting in his chest, and if he closes his eyes and makes a wish maybe it will even makes his stupid huge crush on  Rin go away.

He doesn't think for a second that  Rin would chase after him.

Or that he would cup his chin and make him look straight into his eyes.

He opens his mouth, air  bubbles flee away as he speaks his name – even in the water he can guess it's what  Rin's saying because of the way his lips move, or just because, what else could he say? –  and then his hands are on each side of his face, his thumbs stroking his cheekbones lovingly – he leans in.

Rin's lips are hot and needy against his.  Haru feels numb for a moment, he doesn't move or respond, nor does he push  Rin away – he doesn't have the strength to because right now his mind is just in a utterly mess – but, oh well, what happens in the  water stays in the water, right?

He curls his hands around  Rin's wrists and they share their very first kiss under the surface – and it's everything he would have asked for a first kiss before Makoto stole it from him. They kiss for what seem to be an eternity before they remember they're supposed to breathe.

But as they surface, the magic spell  starts to shatter in to pieces. Their breathing are laborious. Their eyes are darkened with lust until they take notice of the world living all around them. People are swimming, chatting, walking; the sun is shining outside and the air feels cold against their skin.  Haru wants more, he desperately needs more but he knows it's something he can't ask for because people are  _ staring- _

Makoto never comes to his mind, not before a whole second; and suddenly he is afraid. Afraid that he's just crossed that line he was forbidden to overpass to keep being sane and now, it's over. It's all over he can't go backwards. He had kissed  Rin and now he knows he won't be able to stop.

Rin's hands leave his face; he motions him to follow him in the locker room. He is holding his hand and walking fast ahead of him. What does he want to do ? Can they have sex in the shower when so many people are around and could interrupt them? Because  Haru really wants to, he wants  Rin like he has never wanted anything else in his life.

Rin pins him against a wall as soon as he finds a deserted place and his tongue is hungry to taste him.  He is such a good kisser; Rin licks his bottom lip, begging for entrance and  Haru gladly lets him in – their hands are tangled  in their hair and they crunch and push on each other's mouth with so much passion that  Haru is afraid of leaving bruises on  Rin – but it doesn't happen because they hear someone coming in the hall where they stand.

They part away at the speed of sound. The absence of  Rin's lip on him is barely bearable. It makes him ache on his chest – his stomach – his head –  Rin _oh_ _ Rin _ – and Makoto as well – what has he done – how could he – it's too late now – he feels sick, so sick and then, Haru starts to panic.

Their kiss isn't something he will be able to deny, or to forget; it's printed forever in his mind heart and soul and soon enough Makoto will find out because Makoto can read in his soul so well after all these years – seven years, really he had just thrown away seven years and even more for a kiss, for  Rin, for a man he barely knows, and  for fucks sake how could he have done such a terrible thing?

"Woa, hum, that was, ah,"  Rin scratches the back of his head but he is smiling from ear to ear. "We should probably…talk about this- Haru, are  you-"

"Move."

He  pushes  Rin away and runs. He throws up in the nearest bin he finds on his way.  Haru hears  Rin coming for him; he curses and tries to hide  it  but it's too late now – too late for everything.

"Don't," he  says before  Rin could even touch him.

"Haru , I-"

"Don't touch me!"

Rin's hand freezes half way towards his back. The silence is only broken by  Haru's heavy pants as he tries to control his nerves. He feels like his insides are being torn away from him, as if  Rin has cut his belly and taken out his organs one by one.

"I…shouldn't have-" Haru struggles to say.

"Yeah I got the message…"

Rin voice is bitter ; it's broken and it's sour, so sour, it's turning  Haru's stomach upside down even more.

"It was a mistake, right?"

Rin's voice is as clear as crystal ; he doesn't seem torn, like everything he does in his life he already knows where he wants to go, what he truly wants and  Haru is so envious of him right now.  If only, for just a brief moment, if only he could be like him.

He can't find half the strength  Rin's got to give him a proper reply. He tries to nod, and hopes it's enough – and of course because it's  Rin, it is.

"Was it...have I been a mistake all along?"

" Rin please…just go."

"Really? That's how you are, how you truly are in the end. You devoured me with your bright blue eyes, you leaned on me you even took my fucking hand and then you…you…"

Rin is still pretty close to him.  Haru can't see it because his back is turned to him but still, he can hear his voice so clearly as if he was just talking  directly  to his ear. He hears him sniff,  choke back some tears; it breaks his heart more than anything.     


"Never mind." Rin ends up saying. "This is a mistake; it has always been a mistake to begin with, how stupid have I been just to believe you will – we should – forget about me okay?  It's better…it's better for everyone…"

Haru can't find his voice. He knows he will cry if he tries to speak.

"…God  Haru, say something! It can't mean  nothing to you, right?"  Rin roars, " _ I   _ can't be  nothing to you!"

But  Haru still can't speak, and so  Rin leaves him; and as soon as his footsteps are far enough for him to be long gone,  Haru empties the rest of this stomach  to the bin.

 

 

 

* * * * * * *

 

 

 

He closes the restaurant the following day. Makoto insists that he can take care of him but  Haru is stubborn, he needs to be left alone, he needs Makoto to be as far as possible because he is about to confess everything to him and he can't afford to lose him either.

He needs to feel alone. He needs time to  miss Rin – he wants to miss him and to feel miserable about the loss, because it's the only thing he has left to  be  reminded of him.

At the end of the week,  Haru barely walks on his feet. Makoto stars to get dramatically worried – he had even called  Rei, who is just a scientist and not a doctor; and  Haru is glad he hasn't called  Nagisa because  _ he _ would have guessed what the problem really was – and he doubts the stomach pain scenario will work a lot longer. He really has to do something about it. He cannot just look at his phone and wait for  Rin to miraculously answer his texts, it's obvious that he won't  now, it's been four days.

He goes to work, makes to closure; it feels nice to live a little.  It helps to make up his mind, finally. 

It's not enough. It's still not enough – he needs to talk to  Rin about what is really going on between them. He needs to know, before he can make a choice , before he decides if he will forget about  Rin or if he won't .

 

* * * * * * * *

 

 

He goes to the pool first in the beginning of the afternoon ; but Rin isn't there.

"No, I didn't see him today either."  Sasabe tells him. "Is there something going on with  Rin, lately?"

Haru ignores him and leaves the pool immediately.  It doesn't even surprise him, the fact that Rin didn't come; after all he wanted to be forgotten, didn't he? So going back to the place where they have met, swum and kissed first was the last thing  Rin would have done. He hadn't tried to call him,  but it's  simply because he  doesn't really know what to say yet ; nevertheless Haru is sure he'll find the right words when they would face each other somehow.

He had only come once to  Rin's place but he already knows the path by heart. He stands before the wooden door and surprisingly his fingers aren't shaking. He thought he would be afraid, terribly terrified to see  Rin again – to face him, not knowing what will come out of their confrontation – but his mind is clear, and  maybe even  _ blank _ .  It's as if knowing that the wait will finally come to an end here and now makes him feel better and erases the dread in his heart. 

He rings, the door opens and time stops.

Rin has a cute ponytail; he is wearing his black leggings, the one he uses to jog and stuck to his thighs. All his muscles are tensed just by the sight of  Haru coming to his house and his face looks hurt; confused, surprised and definitely hurt. For a second  Haru considers leaving, running to his house and really forgets everything  that had happened between them, considering how disappointed  Rin looks to see him here.

But he can't take that step back.

The idea of living a life without  Rin seems ridiculous; it seems like a bad joke or a terrible nightmare now that he stands flesh and bones in front of him. How could he have thought a second that it would be easy, possible or even realistic to forget about  Rin? To take him out of his life now that he knows the softness of his hands, the curve of his lips, the way he kisses passionately, and how much his eyes could burst into flames even time he  stares at him – and he had been a fool not to see  them before, since the very first moment their fate had be en sealed.

"You didn't go swimming." 

It's miles away from all the things he aches to say – to yell, to shout at  Rin – but he has to find something to start the conversation  with - without hurting  Rin more than he already did .

But  Rin had always been the straight forward  one , from the start. "What do you want?" He scowled. He doesn't want to make a detour; he goes straight to the point even before  Haru could get a chance to set a foot inside.

"…You didn't answer my calls. We need to talk."

Rin shakes his head, and looks  away .

"Maybe it's a little bit too late for that, don't you think? Last time I wanted to you shoved me away – why would I want to listen to you now?"

Haru curls his fist as he catches the rudeness of  Rin's voice and choice of words. 

"Rin , please…" 

He thought the words would come, would flow like water out of a fo u ntain but he was wrong. His mind is still at loss of words even with  Rin in front of him – he knows now what he wants better but still, how to express his complex and mixed feelings w as an entire other story. "I told you I was sorry. At least let me in. We can't end up like that."

Rin's hand is still grasping the door, tightly, and his pressure doesn't decrease one bit after  Haru's little speech – on the contrary.

"Fine," he  surrenders at last, and  Rin doesn't look pleased at all; it leaves a bitter taste in  Haru's mouth but at least they'll be able to talk, and maybe he'll find the words  Rin needs to hear to smile again. "But remember there was never a  _ 'we'_ between  you and me."

Haru leaves his shoes in the little place under the steps reserved for the guests and waits for  Rin, a little bit confused, as the host  takes off his own running shoes on the stairs. Their eyes are glued on the floor between them, separating them like a huge barrier when really it's just air; it will only take a small contraction of his arm's muscle and a good dose of courage for  Haru to come closer and to cup  Rin's chin, to make him look at him straight in the eyes. He lacks that courage, unfortunately; but yet he doesn't resign. He didn't come here to stare at  Rin's humpy parquet and stay tight as a clam – and so, he speaks, finally.

"I think I might like you."

Rin's shoe falls from the third step where he sits to the ground. "What?" He says, and he doesn't sound upset or incredibly happy but really as if he hasn't hear d it right the first time.

"I…I think," is all  Haru can say. He feels stupid. God he had already said it once now, it's not that hard to repeat it dammit.

"You might?"

"Yeah." Haru laughs nervously – it does sound more like a dead animal noise, especially when  Rin's laugh is so melodious. "I might."

"This is stupid."  Rin takes his second shoe off and puts it next to the first one.

"I know."

"You're stupid."

"Shut up. "

And without realizing it he had taken it. That burst of courage he thought he lacked of, the step forward, towards  Rin and now he is cupping his chin; his red eyes are shining – and it makes  Haru thinks of that stupid catch phrase, the one with the thief the father and the stars and the sky; and of how it suits  Rin well at this moment, like anything else – and soon  Haru makes them close. He is the one initiating the kiss this time, and this feels too good not to be right.

 

(If it was really that wrong to kiss  Rin it would feel horrible. It would turn his stomach upside down and make his brain explode. It would certainly not make him hot just like that time when they'd raced without knowing each other, it would not make his whole body shiver with something unknown to him, it would not make him so  happy he could cry.)

 

The kiss lasts longer than expected. There's no tongue or teeth involved, just their lips on each other, the force of want and despair crushing them together. When  Haru breaks it he thinks he hears  Rin laugh ; was it that bad? It's not that  Haru isn't confident about his kissing ability – wait, actually he is, he has only kissed Makoto and surely he wouldn't have told him if he was doing something bad; and suddenly  Haru has something else to worry about.

"I thought you wanted to talk." He finally says, and his smile is back on his face – it's a small, weak and shy smile, the kind of smile you try so hard to repress but shows up anyway and  Haru doesn't care as long as it's sincere, and this one really is and it's like a magic spell. He kissed the smile, again, as if he wanted to be part of it, to drown in it, to swallow it and to swallow  Rin entirely.

"I thought I could forget about you, too. I'm not someone to trust, it seems."  Haru caresses  Rin's hair away from his face. "Do we really need to?"

He knows what he wants, and it's not something he needs to express with words, not anymore.  Rin's smile grows wider; he doesn't speak either and leans in, linking their bodies together again.

"You know," he says between their heated kisses, "It's might sound crazy to you but-" He grasps the back of  Haru's head, caressing the soft black hair there and bents his head on the right, to deepen the kiss more easily, "But I think I might really, really like you too."

He bites on  Haru 's bottom lip gently.  Haru moans. He doesn't know where he is anymore, where they are – uncomfortably laying on the stairs, as it is  – but it feels good; it's a place where he wants to go more, a place he will gladly melt in. Kissing  Rin feels incredibly nice; and still soon he finds out  _ it's not enough _ _anymore_. His fingers are lost in the flaming hair of  Rin and he leaves his lips, wandering on his cheeks and jaw, licking his ear lobe and taking it in his mouth.  Rin shivers under his touch; it's making him go crazy.

"Haru …" He moans as his hands slides down his body and then up under his clothes.

"… Rin," he murmurs in his ear – he doesn't really know what to do, honestly; maybe  Rin is the kind of guy who is being turned on by listening to his name being moaned so, why not? -  and then proceeds to kiss his way to his chin.

"No I mean –  _ aah _ –  Haru wait."

Rin sits up, his hand still hidden under  Haru's white t-shirt. He slowly takes it out, not without caressing the toned skin with his feverish fingers and enjoying the touch –  Haru can see it painted on his face ; he loves the sight  Rin is giving him – and then, he joins their forehead s together, roughly.

" Haru …" He repeats again, "you might want to reconsider this one last time." Rin's hand caresses his thigh and then grasps  Haru's, and makes it travel down  Rin's body – his chest, his belly, his –  _ oh _ . "Haru, if you kiss me again I swear  I won't be able to stop myself,  there will be no  turning back. Are you really sure you won' t regret this in hindsight?"

He can feel  Rin painfully hard under his hand. He can see the darkness and the lust in his eyes; the way his heart beats faster and faster each time he touches him, how much his breathing is chaotic ever since they have started kissing.  Rin is probably even more aroused than him and still, he is the  one who thinks about the situation, for them both, for  Haru's safety, for his well-being for his happiness; he puts him first and yet there is something inside  Haru that wants to punch him.

How could he think  a second  that they can still go backwards if they stop everything now?

There was never a safe line. It couldn't be determined by a look, an evening spent together, a gentle kiss or passionate ones. There has never been a way back for them – for  Haru, in any case, and he wishes it was the same for  Rin as well.  Because ever since he had felt his finger tickling and going numb when  Rin had swum with him, it was at that time that things had been decided for him. He would have spent a lifetime looking for him if he hadn't met Rin on the following week.

So he presses his hand harder of  Rin's crotch and silences his moan with a kiss – and then, only seconds later they are on  Rin's bed and everything happens so fast and so slow at the same time.

Rin is on top of him, eating on the side of his neck, and  Haru doesn't need to tell him to be careful not to leave any traces – he already knows and so, his touch is eager but gentle; he doesn't bite but kiss, his teeth just slightly brushing on the sensitive skin and it's making him feel  _ so good _ – as his hands goes directly to  Haru's pants.  Haru wants to help but  Rin takes off the belt with a godlike speed and tosses it on the bed.

"I'm sorry, I can't wait any longer," he murmurs , as if it was a terrible thing.

Haru doesn't have his words to say. The moment  Rin gets off of him he tried to catch him back but it's  only to find out that he is taking his bottom down – oh, already , _already_ _?_ –  and when he comes back, cock hard and licking soiling on his black t-shirt, it's only to release  Haru's . "Sorry," he keeps on saying, and he really looks on fire when he does, "Sorry I'm so sorry but  Sousuke can come back anytime and God  Haru I want you so bad I've wanted you for so long." 

As he starts to stroke him  Rin licks  on Haru's lips, before exploring his mouth hungrily. He responds with the same vigor, his hands on  Rin's back slowly getting lower, caressing his sides –  Rin jumps at the touch – to finally take a firm grip on his ass. But,  Rin's fingers are already busy  there; he is fingering himself and for a moment  Haru wonders why – because, and he really isn't proud of this but he has never, with Makoto he has never been the top,  he had never asked to be and it never occurs to him that with  Rin it would be  any  different.

Rin leaves his mouth to kiss his chest through his clothes, his abdomen, his belly and the birth of his hips. He sticks his noise near  Haru's crotch and smells him –  Haru would have gladly found that gross if he wasn't in an altered state of mind at the moment – and then, he takes  Haru's cock into his hand. He licks it, from its birth to the tip.  Haru grasps on the sheets tougher.

He licks it again and then takes it in his mouth, his hands firmly holding his hips on the bed.  Rin's mouth is hot – but that he already knows, he had been there already – and his tongue is running through his length, sucking on it, lubricating every inch of it. 

It's only when  Rin retired that  Haru understand the purpose of all this. "Don't you have lube?" He  says, his voice low and aroused.

"Yeah…certainly…"  Rin answers; his mind is clouded too, it seems he doesn't even know where he lives anymore – or where he had put his lube. "But I can't look for it now." He kisses him one last time and then, he positions himself.

Haru doesn't move a muscle as he watches  Rin, his thigh upright and  Haru's cock in his hand, guiding it to his entrance. He can't move because he is mesmerized by the sight and when finally  Rin takes the tip inside him, the feeling is so overwhelming, so new, so unexpected that he just freezes; he shots his other senses out – closes his eyes, stops breathing, stops everything – to concentrate on this new feeling  Rin is making him experience.  Rin is tight around him, that's not a surprise considering how little preparation he got – and it's even surprising that he isn't crying in pain right now, with  Haru half way inside him. Still he doesn't stop, or take time to adjust;  Rin impaled himself on  Haru, he hides a cry of pain but it's just how much he couldn't wait for that, to feel  Haru inside him, that's just how much he craved for it.

Rin stays still, for a few seconds – recovering – and  Haru mimics him, but it's just because he  literally can't decide what to do.  He wants to feel  Rin moving around him but his mind and body won't listen to him. It's like if he was entirely on automatic pilot mode already, and when  Rin finally moves and rides him and drives him crazy he just does what he can to follow his rhythm. It's absolutely and utterly crazy; the rocking of  Rin's hips is driving him to a state of bliss he had never reached before. The while ceiling he looks at doesn't even look straight, and he can see burst of fluorescent colors – pink, green, yellow lines – repainting it as  Rin starts to moan each time their groin join. They didn't have the energy to kiss. It's all too fast, and too slow at the same time;  Haru feels his orgasm coming at the speed of light and he takes  Rin's hand in his. He jolts his hips to meet his moves. Their fingers turn white for they grasp on each other too much.

Rin's face is completely red now; he has probably never looked so beautiful before. " _Ahh _ -Haru ," he chokes, "I'm  gonna cum  Haru."

Both of their remaining hands end up stroking  Rin haphazardly ; but in spite of their work it's  Haru who comes first. His whole body tenses and for a moment he can't see anything, his whole world has turned white and when he comes back to his senses Rin his painting heavily on his chest, their fingers  still  entwine and wet by their sweat.

It was short. They didn't last long but it was intense ; it was so powerful that  Haru needs several minutes to recover, to feel all his limbs again, to feel like a human being and not some sort of divinity holding  Rin in his embrace. And in this moment of grace and plenitude,  Rin's face comes to his, and he kisses him with the same passion and eagerness than before they had sex, and to  Haru it's almost sound like a promise; the promise that he will never have enough of him no matter how many times they see each other.  Rin's tongue keeps on playing with him, licking his lips;  Haru cups his cheeks and adds more pressure. Their  noses collide, but it's not like they care. They only stop kissing when  Haru feels his lips getting all red and swollen – he never knew it could literally hurt to kiss too much before he met Rin.

Rin sighs on the crook of his neck tenderly. "I'm sorry," he says;  Haru wonders why he apologizes – because really he hasn't recovered from his orgasm yet,  Rin has nothing to be sorry about in that matter – "I'm not that…impatient usually but…"  Rin caresses his face and put some dark locks out of  Haru's face. He is smiling, widely; it warms something in  Haru's chest. "You got me all fucked up, I guess."

"It's okay." He says.  Rin laughs a bit.

"You're still so dense,  Haru. If it wasn't from your body language I would even think you didn't like it."

He nibbles on his ear lobe.  Haru looks away. There is a small pause then, when the both of them just look blankly around and enjoy each other's breathing getting back to normal. The sky soon starts to lose his bright blue color.  Haru notices  Rin's head getting up to look at the time; it's almost 6 PM. It's time for  Haru to leave.

"Say,  Haru. What do we do now?"

The silence that follows is a comfortable one ; and it's astonishing that  Haru doesn't even feel bad, even after the afterglow is gone. He looks at the ceiling. The flashy colors are long gone too.  Rin is warm in his arms, he feels good and the whole situation feels like a dream. It feels like being happy, really being happy; it's not something that he wants to forget. That feeling, he wants to cherish it, to grow it and to make it bloom even brighter every time.

"I need to take a shower." He says instead of voicing his thoughts.

"Ugh. Not romantic."

"It's not my fault if you came on my t-shirt."

Rin makes a small squeak and jumps out of  Haru. They laugh. They both take a pillow and start a fight, as if they were 12 years old, as if they were all innocent and it's been so long since  Haru hasn't felt  alive like that.

But eventually, life  has to go back to normal.

Just as he'd gotten out of the pool that day, as soon as  Haru gets alone in the shower to take  Rin's scent out of his skin, the water that runs on his tired body feels  numb. The bliss of the first flutters of the heart is no more. Now, it's time to talk; it's time to behave like an adult and to face his responsibilities - it all feels so insignificant now that he had the chance to taste  Rin's lips.     


 

 

"You're going to be fine?"  Rin asks as they get back downstairs. He had gotten him a new white T-shirt .

"I'm the one doing the laundry, Makoto won't notice."

"Are you sure about that?"

He wants to be, but frankly Makoto knows him so well that he might very well noticed the difference of the fabric of any of his plain T-shirts.

"I'll call you tomorrow."

"No," Rin says ,  and  Haru's eyes widen in fear,  "Text me instead. I'll be with  Sousuke all day; we won't be able to talk freely."

He nods. They are at the doorstep; the soles of his feet are burning. He wants to kiss him goodbye, but people are walking outside, people could see them and it's another piece of reality that he'll have to deal with now. His relationship with  Rin, whatever is it now, it has to stay a secret; it's something that will never get out of  Rin's room. It's all they will ever have, so  Haru can't mind about such details – after all the most important things happen inside, so why would he care? Why does it feel lonely all of a sudden to talk to  Rin without touching him?

He takes a step backward. He can barely look at him in the eyes. "Okay then.  Goodbye."

"Yeah, goodbye  Haru ."

Haru drags his feet home, and literally crawls in the bathtub when it's only half full.  The T-shirt  Rin gave him smells like him. He washes it reluctantly before going to the kitchen.

 

 

"Haru ? I'm home!"

Makoto smiles at him, they eat in a dreadful silence and when finally they are alone in bed, it's only then that it strikes him. Makoto kisses him goodnight, and his whole body shivers but it's definitely not from pleasure. Makoto's kisses  are nowhere near as  idyllic as  Rin's. It's that irreversible thing  Haru had wanted to avoid above all. He had tasted the forbidden fruit that were  Rin's lips and now he  knows he  will never be able to enjoy anything else. The lights are out, and he is grateful; because there is nothing else but fear painted on his face. How is he going to face that? How is he going to cope with living with Makoto, touching him, kissing him and making  _ love _ to him now that he knows how wonderful it feels with  Rin, without making him notice ?

(Haru doesn't sleep that night. He goes to work with  bags under his eyes – Makoto doesn't say anything but he knows there is something wrong with him, probably. And the worst in all this, in this mess that had become his sentimental life,  is that he had never missed  Rin so much than on this Tuesday morning, when they brush their teeth together, and that his toothpaste tastes of puke.

Haru spits it in the sink when Makoto is done; he glances at the mirror and sees the reflection of his face, and how terrible he looks. It's only been one day, and honestly,  Haru has really no idea of what he is doing.

He only  hopes from the bottom of his heart that it will  all end up well for the three of them.)

 

 

 

 

If only he knew.   


 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a thing for dramatic cliffhanger but I can't make one that look decent excuse me for that.  
> Comments are appreciated, cause I don't exactly feel comfortable with that (please I need to talk about iiiit XD)


	3. Haru - The one who fell in Love on Mondays (Part Two)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They swam together on a Monday, and even without seeing him what the water told him about the other man was enough to make his whole body go hot with excitement.
> 
> Aka
> 
> The story of how Haru meets Rin on a Monday afternoon and of how it might be a decision he will never regret.
> 
> Part 2/3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a long writer's block I am back with some more drama, which we certainly don't need right now, but you don't chose the time when you post a fic don't you? Erf actually yes I kinda do sorry guys. Hum, this chapter is really long, and I hope it will be good because I really tried to do it right.
> 
> Warning: infedility, makoharu domestic scene, and a naked Sousuke. I guess you already know why.

 

 

# Haru - The Man who fell in Love of Mondays - Part 2

 

The sunlight feels too bright for Haru's tired eyes as it hits on the glass of the Distant Ocean's veranda. He doesn't sleep well lately. And as for why he's been such a wreck, between the shame of having sex with Rin and the sorrow of not feeling the warmth of his flesh against his own at night, Haru can't make up his mind on what plays the major role yet. He checks his phone every now and then. Dealing with hiding it from Makoto and his own feelings at the same time consumed too much of his energy and it ended up being an impossible task for him; so he had sought for answers and advices - he still cannot explain this behavior yet but in spite of the wrongness of his actions, he had texted Rin. It sounds so hypocritical, but Haru couldn't think of anyone else to find the reassurance he desperately needed. It feels awful to be such a sentimental crap, to be such a hopeless guy when it comes to love and feelings; especially about his own.

 

_'But what can I do about it?'_ It's the last text he had sent, about an hour ago; Rin is slow to reply this time. The answer finally comes shortly after he checked.

 

_'Relax, or he'll find out.'_ It says. It's short and doesn't do much for him - Haru frowns in exasperation.

 

_'It's not that simple. If only he could be as good as-'_  

 

Haru writes the text, but never sends it.

 

He feels horrible enough to even think about it that way; but at the same time it's a fact, an irrefutable fact that can't be denied when Haru's own body which had melt under Rin's touch now freezes every time Makoto caresses him the way lovers do. And so, as he tries to avoid any physical contact lasting more than mere seconds with his boyfriend during all this week; Haru pretends to work on new recipes at night, not to join him on the couch, and texts Rin instead.

 

(Even if it's not the same as being in his arms, talking with Rin eases his mind and restless body a little bit; and this little improvement is enough to give him the vital strength he needs to face the situation - to face Makoto - to face the fact that he is committing adultery. )

 

 

 

 

_'Do you regret doing it with me?'_ Rin sends him one day at the end of the week.

 

As soon as he read it something bursts in Haru's chest. Something hot and violent; he suddenly feels very angry and erases Rin's message, not really knowing why. He only finds out later at work. Could it be that Rin is the one regretting it? Does he really think Haru would do those kind of immoral things with anybody? Could Rin be not so serious about them?

 

It's not a thought he can keep calm with in the long run, and so when Monday comes again, Haru is really eager to see Rin face to face.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He rings the doorbell that day, balancing on his feet in a way that shows nothing but impatience and nervousness. When Rin appears behind the wood frame he looks as if he was just answering the postman - he doesn't even look _pleased_ to see him, what the hell?

 

"Hi." Rin says, sounding too casual when he greets Haru. "Take off your shoes."

 

But it doesn't matter how furious he is. It doesn't matter because _it's Rin_ , and just like every time he sees him there is this insidious and invisible force he can't resist, some kind of magic spell and Haru can't get his eyes off of him. The way his lips move, the way he motions him to follow him to the living room, all of Rin's movements are graceful, elegant and fluid; he had somehow managed to look even more attractive than before within one week.

 

Haru saunters near Rin with his mind clouded by an unexpected and sudden rush of lust, pushing away any kind of rational thoughts he could have had. His arms soon find the small of his back, and Rin's fully lips are being assaulting before he had time to propose Haru something nice to drink.

 

They quickly end on the couch, their shirts falling to the floor, forgotten in the haze of their passion. Haru feels like starving. His mouth sucks on Rin's skin at the base of his neck, licks and bites as he climbs to his chin. His tongue is hungry for Rin's taste and soon it finds his lips again. As they kiss roughly, Haru's hands travel down his body and undress Rin, his pants and boxers following his shirt in the process.

 

Rin had felt more distant, so much far away from him during this whole week. He had felt like a dream he wouldn't be able to reach again; but now that Haru knows he's been wrong and that Rin's skin is hot against his, he can't find the resolve to slow down his pace. Just like last time, everything happens in a rush. They make love quickly on the couch.

 

But this time Haru is the one taking action, the one moving inside Rin. It's only because of what _he_ does that Rin moans, that his face his distorted with bliss, that Rin comes on both of their stomach in a muffled cry, his whole body shaking slightly with overwhelming pleasure.

 

Haru finishes silently and retires, his lips dropping a kiss on Rin's forehead. He thinks he saw tears forming in the corners of his eyes. "Did I hurt you?" He asks, because he hadn't been very gentle, he realized afterwards.

 

"No, not really." Rin says then, his voice free from harm and pain. His hands take Haru's face and drag it on his chest; Haru listens to his decreasing heartbeat for a while.

 

They stay naked under the blanket for what seems to be hours - or maybe for more, because at some point Haru hears Rin's stomach growling and when he looks at the time, it's almost noon already.

 

"Do you want me to cook for you?"

 

"I already told you, I won't make you work on your free day, _Nanase_."

 

"Don't call me that way," Haru scowls, taking Rin's hand in his. He kisses its back and each of its fingers before leaning into it, his eyes studying Rin's face for any kind of reaction he might get. "It doesn't feel like working when I cook for you."

 

Rin just silently looks back at him, and after a few moments Haru spots him trying to repress one of his smiles that might have the power to change the face of the world. It reaches the corner of his mouth.

 

"What?" He scowls again.

 

"You're doing it again."

 

"Doing what?" Haru repeats, impatient.

 

"You know. _That_." Is he imagining the blush on Rin's face?

 

Haru's frown deepens. "I don't know what you are talking about."

 

"Really?"

 

Haru rolls his eyes - meaning ' _Obviously you moron_ ' and he is sure Rin will get the message right - and  points his half exasperated face away from Rin. The redhead moans, as if he was in terrible pain. Haru sighs.

 

"What again?"

 

"It's your eyes."

 

"What about them?" Haru leans on his elbows, his face now at the same level with Rin's.

 

"It's...the way you look at me - well, not really; you _stare_ , you know." Haru lifts his eyebrow in surprise. "Really Haru you never realized that? It's so fucking obvious. You always stare at me with your bright blue eyes and each time you do I feel like you are undressing me and checking me out, _rudely_. There were even times when I really, really thought you were going to jump on me in front of everybody, you know." Haru makes a face, an unamused one that immediately ejects a laugh from Rin.

 

"What's the problem with the way I like to look at you?" He mutters, slightly embarrassed now that he remembers his small talk with Coach Sasabe, weeks ago.

 

"Nothing," Rin says, he sounds amused by the whole situation it seems, "It's just that you probably had no idea of how it made me feel."

 

Rin sits up, dragging Haru along with him in the process; his arms fall behind Haru's neck. "Every Monday I saw you devouring me with those eyes of yours and it makes me wonder what was really happening behind them. And every Sunday nights I went to bed wondering if you'll do something, if there would be something else than your eyes burning on my skin this time and I couldn't help but get very, _very excited_ , each time I thought about you."

 

Rin nibbles on his ear, and Haru turns his head away, hiding his blush from him. Even Rin had noticed before he did...his attraction to Rin…is that really something that was never meant to be fought off?

 

Then suddenly, Rin becomes too much. Too much warmth, too much touching, too much of everything - too much _feeling_ \- and so Haru abruptly stands up and leaves Rin completely naked on the couch, for the blanket has followed his feet when he has left the secure place.

 

"I'm going to make lunch."

 

(It has made him feel warm again, to think about Rin liking him that way for such a long time.)

 

"Na-naked?" Rin gasps, his glance not dropping from one second to the round sight Haru displays in front of his eyes.

 

He shrugs. "Of course not. Don't you have an apron?"

 

He finds a red one hanged near the fire place - it looks like a kid's one, it's full of small pink hearts and there is a shark on the front pocket - and then he begins to cook.

 

 

Minutes later Rin joins him. He had put his trousers on - unfortunately - and he hums as he hugs Haru from behind. Haru leans into his chest. It feels good, just staying there, silently cooking under Rin's watch - but then, Rin's hand goes down to his naked butt, and he caresses them, touches them but to Haru it doesn't feel sensual, on the contrary there is nothing exciting or arousing in the way Rin is touching him right now.

 

"Haru, have you lost some weight?"

 

His grip on the long knife he is using to cut them some vegetables tightens frankly. Sure, he maybe feels more loose in his pants lately, and he has started to use a belt when he had never needed one before, but it's not as if it's an important detail; unless if Rin doesn't like skinny man Haru really doesn't give a shit about his looks.

 

Rin holds him closer, his arms curling around his slender waist. His head rests on Haru's shoulder, "Are you alright?" he murmurs with concern. "I'm sorry to say that, but you do look kind of shitty today."

 

Haru doesn't need to be told so. He has seen his face in the mirror this morning, he is the one walking up at night because he feels too hot when Makoto holds him, he knows too well how tired his body is. Between the sleepless nights and overworked hours, he just knows that he _can't_ look fine.

 

"It's because I missed you," he says, and for him it's not entirely a lie, but still he doubts it's enough to justify his dreary state.

 

Rin tightens his embrace even more; if it's only out of concern or because he had felt the turmoil inside his heart, Haru will never know. But what he is sure of now is the tenderness and all the caring looks Rin gives him. They are nothing like his normal, burning gaze on him, no, this time Rin's eyes feel sharp and smoothing at the same time; all his goodness penetrates him like an arrow through his heart and it makes Haru want to disappear in them, to melt with Rin and to never go out of his arms so that they can stay forever in that state of beatitude, lost in each other's glance.

 

Haru turns in Rin's embrace and takes the redhead's chin in his hand delicately. Rin's gaze is studying him for a moment until he finally notices what Haru wants him to see.

 

"You're staring at me again."

 

"I know." Haru says, impassible.

 

"What is that for?" Rin asks with an ounce of suspicion hidden in his voice.

 

"I want you."

 

"I know that," Rin scowls; he tried to get away from Haru's grip but the stubborn man he is won't let him.

 

"I want you inside me."

 

Rin looks like he had been hit by thunder. Haru even sees some of his hair raising on his head. The hand on his ass feels warm and wet, and Haru takes it and makes it travel on his front.

 

"I-I you - okay hum - but like - now?" Rin stammers. It's not like his reaction displeased Haru, to be honest Rin looks kind of cute when he is embarrassed like that but he wouldn't have minded to sound hot either.

 

He nods; Rin blushed furiously and scratches the side of his skull. "And - like - _here_?"

 

Haru scans the kitchen to find a place that could fit and looks comfortable enough, but then he hears Rin sigh, and soon after Haru is being dragged out of the room - probably towards Rin's bedroom.

 

"Wait," he says, and Rin releases his arm, "I'm taking off the apron."

 

"What? But you're fully naked!" Rin looks offended, but Haru just shrugs; if they're going to do it what's the point of getting dressed? "I mean, there are windows in the living room."

 

"No one will see."

 

"We live on the first floor for god's sake!"

 

But Haru still doesn't see the point, and he walks without Rin leading him to the entrance hall. "At least hide your dick, you dickhead."

 

Haru does as he is being told, and comes back to Rin only to hug him from behind. "There," he says, "No one else will see now. Can we move on?"

 

Rin sighs again, and Haru whispers ' _spoilsport_ ', and none of them makes any remark as Rin climbs the stairs with Haru literally glued on his back - it kind of makes things pretty unhandy to be in such position but Haru doesn't care, Rin deserves it anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

Haru is laid on his side when Rin enters his first finger. He shudders as he's been torn apart, welcoming the new intruder and Haru hesitantly casts a look to see Rin's face. He doesn't do that very often, and it's the kind of details he would have liked Rin not to be aware of. He'll probably need time, much more time than Rin to be ready; he hopes it's alright - he hopes Rin won't mind.

 

"Hey," he says, as if he had been inside Haru's head as well and had heard his worries, "Relax okay? It's gonna hurt too much if you keep being on edge like that."

 

It's not a foreign knowledge to him, of course; but still it feels like their very first time, so Haru can't help but be tense. It doesn't help that he feels Rin's finger stills; but soon he starts to move in and out again, and even adds a second finger. Haru hisses. He feels Rin getting closer and kissing the back of his head. Sooner than he has expected Rin's ministrations become enjoyable.

 

This time they are taking it slow and for some reason it's even more intimate and embarrassing than before. Rin feels even closer than when they were still in the couch. His presence invades him; it makes Haru forget the life around him, the life he has had before him and it's so scary, it's so damn scary and Haru would have wanted nothing more than to get away from that trap he had fell in, to get away from Rin. But there is something stronger than that will which prevents him from it. Something that binds them together, here on the bed, something that makes it impossible for their skin not to be touched when they're standing too close in the same room.

 

"Ready?" Rin asks more than warns him; Haru nods silently and waits for his sentence. Before he moves any further, Rin bends over him, his elbow supporting his upper body and he kisses him, passionately; his tongue running inside of Haru's mouth as his member finds its way inside him.

 

 

 

Rin is also standing behind him when they shower.

 

When they were still lying in his bed he had stroked a single finger on Haru's back, up and down, multiple times; his touch filled with an unexpected tenderness and fondness, Haru thought. Now, his fingers are working rougher on the small of his back. Rin is massaging him, touching and soothing the sore muscles he had used too much earlier so that Haru won't be in pain. He drops light kisses on Haru's shoulders now and then. Haru just lets the water fall on his face as if he was trying to get drown or dissolved in Rin's shower.

 

Time goes by slowly; or maybe it doesn't because when they had looked at the time before they entered the bathroom it was already past 3 PM. They haven't even eaten yet, but none of them have felt hungry - and they were both kind of dirty. Since he had risen from Rin's bed Haru had been in a dichotomous state, something he's now used to since that time he had kissed Rin in the pool. When his body and soul feel undeniably utterly contented the same thing couldn't be said for his mind. But in a vain attempt to ease his pain Haru rejects automatically anything that could hurt him when he leans in Rin's embrace, and so he closes his eyes, feels the water fall on his lids and sighs. Rin's fingers are doing wonders on his back. He would be able to walk as if nothing had happened.

 

"Are you okay?"

 

It's the third time Rin asks since he had come inside him.

 

"Ah." Haru just says; he doesn't have any strength left to give him a more sophisticated reply.

 

"You're pretty silent," Rin states, oh damn the man is observant. "And...you...I mean-"

 

"Split it out." Haru's face is now facing the ground. He stares blankly, like hypnotized, at the stream of water and soap entwined, disappearing into the shower's iron siphon.

 

"Maybe it's too soon to talk about-"

 

"Rin."

 

"Okay, okay I get it." Haru's voice is more annoyed than anything, it's at least not commanding - Haru hopes - and it's enough to make Rin confess where his thoughts were leading him to. "I don't, usually I, I mean it's embarrassing to talk about that now because- I really had a good time but I couldn't help thinking that; you, you aren't used to receive right?"

 

The noise of water coming out of the shower head and hitting softly on their body hides the bitter smirk Haru makes. It's not like he hasn't seen it coming. It has always been painfully obvious how Rin seemed to know better than him what he was doing when he touched him.

 

"I mean, it's okay if you don't-I don't mind-"

 

"I have never come into someone before I met you."

 

Rin doesn't say anything for a moment, as if he hadn't heard him at all and then, he bends forward and turns the water down. "What?"

 

"You heard it right the first time."

 

Rin curls his arms around him. He has some soap on the top of his chin. "I'm sorry. I mean you were so tight, I thought-"

 

"I'm just not used to sex. That's all." He turns the water on again. Rin is silent, too much silent behind him.

 

"It doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it."

 

Rin's lips are stuck on his shoulder blade. He smiles against the skin.

 

It will do for now.

 

His hands, cleaned of the soap, run on the small of Haru's back again, more careful than before.

 

"Does he do things like this with you?" Rin continues to draw small circles at the end of his back.

 

"Who?" Haru asks.

 

"Makoto."

 

It's the moment when Haru's mind awakes. It has been stunk by a very sharp and thin needle at the back of his head and now Haru stands under the water, hyper aware of every single part of his body which touch Rin and the parts which don't. The mention of the name is as cold as an ice pick Rin would have used to stab him with.

 

"We don't have a shower." Haru says then, "We only use the bathtub." Makoto is too large for the both of them to get inside anyway. Not that Rin needs to know some crappy little details about their almost marital daily life. Their almost martial and soon to die daily life.

 

Rin stops touching him.

 

"It's good if you don't...do that often," he says, "I wouldn't like him to find out by putting his finger inside you and finding someone has been here recently - and don't laugh okay, I've seen that happen, you can't even begin to think of how many cases of domestic violence I've got to deal with because of small details like this."

 

Haru doesn't find it funny in the slightest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

That evening they eat silently in front of the TV - Makoto really likes talk shows, after work he needs to decompress and to evacuate the pressure out of his large shoulder. People often mistake him when they don't pay enough attention. Makoto seems indestructible because of his build and the fireman uniform; but real life Makoto is scared of spiders, he hides behind Haru every time he hears an unknown sound at night when the lights are out and he would probably hold a cats' refuge in their garden - if only they've had one. Makoto has always been that huge human teddy bear, the ideal big brother; and somehow the perfect match for Haru if you ask their close friends.

 

That evening Makoto watches him as if Haru has something on his face. Haru sits better on his butt, even if it hurts a little, too scared that he would notice something.

 

 

(At that stage, Haru has absolutely no idea of what he is going to do - black hole, zero, the void. In fact, he hasn’t even set the connection between Rin, Makoto, and the fact that maybe in a more or less nearby future, something might not quite fit. If his mind was a room, there would probably be a clean desk with a square yellow post it resting on it, and the word 'Tell Him' would be written in small and tiny, non-capital letters. Haru would look at it every now and then, and he wouldn't care for it too much until the letters are red and too big for him to ignore.

 

 

But they have time. It's not necessarily vital. And it will probably be painful so, why would he rush?)

 

 

 

"How is Rin doing?"

 

The question takes him out of his reverie. His heart beats twice as fast as before, its powerful thrusts climb up to his neck and temples. Haru fears his head is going to explode and spread its content on their table and dinner.

 

"Fine." The word, even alone, has struggled to get past his sealed lips.

 

"Ah. Glad to hear that." Makoto takes some bread, the butter knife and a radish. He makes a slice of bread with slightly salted butter and munches his doing. "Sousuke told me he wanted to stop swimming."

 

"Really?" He tries to look surprised, but considering how things have turned up a couple of weeks ago, it was something to be expected. "He didn't tell me."

 

"He thought that maybe you two had a fight."

 

"We might have."

 

"But now it's over?"

 

"We aren't fighting anymore." Haru takes a slice of radish and some salad. Makoto turns his head for a second, listening to an old bad joke the men in the TV says. He laughs.

 

"I'm glad." Makoto doesn't turn his eyes off of the screen as he murmured those words. Haru feels frustrated all of a sudden.

 

"Why do you care?" He asks then. Because, if he thinks about it Makoto has only seen Rin once, it was months ago at the sushi restaurant and as soon as Haru had realized that he might like Rin a little bit too much he had stopped speaking about him altogether. "You don't even know him that much."

 

"That's true, indeed." Makoto faces him. "But, I don't know. Rin is the kind of person that makes you want to worry about him. He has that kind of energy that you don't want to see altered. I don't know what is it really...his smile is very bright. He looks like the sun. I don't ever want him to stop being happy."

 

Makoto gives him that warm and kind face and yawns, loudly - at least he won't have the energy to claim Haru's butt tonight that's a good point, Rin would be _glad_ thank you Makoto - but it's not what makes Haru frown and sulk all week.

 

  

The next Monday comes too slow for his taste.

 

 

 

 

"What!?"

 

Rin can't stop laughing at his face. Haru is still pouting like a child as he repeats his words. "I think Makoto has a crush on you," he rails at him, with an adorable pout. Rin guffaws so much that it pains Haru's ears, and small tears are forming at the corners of his eyes.

 

"Haru, this is by far - and it's saying something, considering how much a weirdo you are - yes you are a weirdo don't give me that look idiot - anyway I was saying that this, this-" He points Haru's nose with his forefinger, shaking it in an amused way, "This is the stupidest and most ridiculous thing you have ever told me."

 

"No it's not."

 

"Well you're right, the _'when I was young I wanted to me a mackerel King_ ' was...original, to say the least, and-ouch stop biting me, you idiot!"

 

They're on Rin's bed again - it always kind of ends up there anyway. There were half way through undressing themselves in between kisses and caresses; Rin has lost his pants and sweater, he now has nothing but his boxers and his black sport shirt he sleeps in. He didn't have time to take a shower this morning so it really smells like him; Haru really likes that scent. As he straddles Rin's hips, biting on his fingers playfully, he hears him swear insults and something along the lines of _'I didn't sign up for this shit_ ' and he smiles. Rin makes everything so vividly. He kisses him again.

 

"You shouldn't use your mouth to say such things." He tells him.

 

"Ah?" Rin lifts an eyebrow - god how can he do such things with his eyebrow it's like they have a mind on their own - "And you have a suggestion as for what I should do with my mouth, Haru- _KA_?"

 

Haru rolls his eyes again. He hates it when people call him by his full name. Of course, he didn't know how it happened but he told Rin and eventually it ended up being his name on Rin's phone.

 

"Shut up." He commands. It's Rin's turn to pout now.

 

"But I wanted to give you a blowjob." He whines, and makes his puppy eyes, and Haru wants to scream - how on earth did he end up with this?

 

He would have gladly accepted Rin's offer if something wasn't bothering him though, and that thing is that _Makoto has a slight crush on Rin._

 

Rin sits up in his bed, his face only inches away from Haru's. "Ne, Haru? Are you jealous of me?"

 

He looks at him, looks at the grin of his face as Makoto's words echo in his head. The task is painful, because it's admitting that they are now 3 people linked together and not just two pairs not interacting with each other - the post-it on the desk is somehow more noticeable than before. It's not just Haru and Makoto, and Haru and Rin; it's Haru, Makoto and Rin, and the actions Haru does have repercussion on the others, on both of them, in a bad way. And it's the same for any of them.

 

Haru cups his cheek. Makoto is right. Rin feels like the sun in his hands. And he wants him just for himself.

 

It's not Rin he is jealous of, he realizes.

 

It's because of Rin.

 

He can't stand the thought of sharing him.

 

And then, he sees and imagines all of the lovers Rin had in the past. He can see their hands and arms curling on his waist, he can see the bruises on his body their lips had left; he can see Rin moaning and speaking their names as he came.

 

"I want to go to the pool."

 

He needs to go to the pool.

 

Rin looks at him, bewildered and a little bit lost. "Now? Couldn't it wait a bit-"

 

"Now."

 

 

Haru walks out of the bed. They walk silently to the pool and, when they're finished, Haru walks alone back home but Rin stops him - he grabs his arm.

 

"…" He wants to speak, his lips are pressed in a thin line but it's like he's paralyzed by a mystical force which prevents Rin from talking to him.

 

"What is it?"

 

"I...Are we..." The grip on his arm tightens. Rin is about to cry.

 

"Rin...what is-"

 

"I'm sorry, okay? Whatever I did or say I'm...just...I want to see you again!"

 

There are people walking by them. Some aren't paying attention, some might see that they're almost holding hands and with Rin at the verge of breaking down, it won't be difficult to figure out what kind of relationship the two men they are have. Haru takes Rin by the arm and drags him in a deserted place, a small alley where only old cats' ears could hear them talking.

 

"What are you talking about?" He says in a rush, "Why would you be sorry for?"

 

"I don't know! For what I said this morning, for laughing at you, for not taking you seriously..." Rin looks really sorry and Haru can't understand why; the whole situation seems unreal. "Everything was fine and then you snapped and I don't get you Haru I can't read your mind I don't know what I've done wrong but since this morning you don't even look at me in the eyes."

 

"There's nothing wrong with you."

 

"So tell me why?" Rin looks panicked; it's a miracle he isn't crying yet. "Why are you avoiding me?"

 

"I'm not avoiding you."

 

"Yes you are!"

 

Rin presses him again the nearest wall. "Do you have any idea of how much I miss you when you're not there, Haru?"

 

His eyes fall on the ground. Of course he knows. It's the same for him - why is that so hard for Rin to see?

 

"Do you have any idea of how sick I feel when you're not here with me?"

 

"Rin, listen I-"

 

"Don't go." He sobs, his words hushed by the knot in his throat. "Please Haru don't do that to me. Come back with me."

 

Haru rises his eyes and lands them on Rin's crying face. What is he talking about?

 

"Don't...don't stop this, don't leave me, not now, not yet. I'm not ready, not ready please don't go-"

 

Rin kisses his face, his forehead his cheeks his noise his eyebrow, everywhere except on his lips.

 

"I want to see you again."

 

 

Makoto is wrong. Rin isn't the sun; he is the sky. He is infinite; he is everywhere Haru lays his eyes on. He can be sunny or dark, bright or gloomy, crying or smiling. It's never the same; every time you look at it you see something new, something, a little detail you can't believe you haven't seen before and it suddenly makes you like it even more.

 

Rin is also a moron, but that something Haru will keep for himself. He holds his shaking hand, and they walk back together to Rin's place, without a word.

 

 

(If Haru's mind was a room with a tidy desk, he would love Rin on it. Their bodies would move together in harmony, eclipsing the small note on the yellow post it which would lay forgotten behind a pair of butts; and wherever Haru would look, he would never be able to find the small note, written on a yellow square post it, saying 'Stop it' in red, capital letters.

 

And when Rin would be gone, Haru would find that note saying 'Tell him' stuck on his ass.)

 

 

 

 

 

When Makoto comes back home after work, he is exhausted; and his face is covered with black soot at some places. "I'll take a bath," he says, and goes straight to the bathroom.

 

Haru looks at the place where Makoto has been standing in the hall for long minutes after he's gone. How would he react now, if he told him about Rin?

 

Would he see the ghost of Rin's hands loving him? Would he imagine him moaning under Rin's touch? Would he feel so angry and betrayed, so furious that he could crunch someone into a wall, not minding the outcome of his outburst?

 

It would be terrible if Makoto felt that way.

 

There is no point of telling him yet.

 

He doesn't want him to be jealous. He doesn't want him to feel as bad as he did today.

 

 

 

(Haru could never find that 'Stop it' post-it, no matter how hard he could have tried to look for it, because that note never existed in the first place.)

 

 

 

**

 

 

 

There comes a time when they both get bored with the idea of staying all day in bed. So before going to the pool every Monday afternoon - it's a little routine of theirs, now that Haru thinks about it; he likes the idea - he and Rin starts to go outside, leaving behind their secret sanctuary that is Rin's room to walk, fragile and exposed, into the real world.

 

First they go to the mall. Rin is a fashion victim, and takes sometimes hours in the same shop just to buy a single T shirt - but then he lets Haru do the same without complaining when it concerns his jammers, so Haru can't really say that it annoys him, and after all seeing Rin changing his clothes so often isn't that bad. There is a cinema there. Rin likes to watch loud or love movies; Haru doesn't really mind but most of the time, they end up in a deserted theater at the very last row of red fake velvet seats, and it would be lying to say they pay even the slightest attention to what's happening on screen.

 

They have found a small Chinese restaurant that Haru likes. It's very quiet and cheap; the food isn't that good but at least there, they can hold hand without being noticed. That Monday, Rin has ordered some Gyoza and pork, while Haru waits for his sushi. Rin is phoning, he said it was his sister - her name is Kou, if he remembers correctly - and so Haru takes out his phone too in reflex. It's only when he sees his last received/sent messages that he realizes how futile it is.

 

 

(He erases then all of Rin's messages that he had forgotten to delete since this morning. As he was about to erase the last one, Makoto sends him a short message.)

 

 

"What's up?" Rin asks; when Haru looks up to him he has hung up with Kou already.

 

"Makoto. He says he is on duty next Thrusday night."

 

Rin's face twitches at the news, but Haru can't tell if it's in a good or bad way - he seems rather thoughtful, to be honest and, a minute of silence later he excuses himself and gets out of the restaurant without an explanation, leaving Haru and his meal behind.

 

The Asian waitress brings him his sushi eventually when Rin is still phoning outside. She doesn't look like understanding a word of English - Rin could have stayed there, what is he hiding from him?

 

It doesn't look too good when Rin eventually comes back from his little trip outside, a huge grin painted on his face. He looks like a child who'd done a silly thing and who's rather proud of it.

 

"Well then," he says, without adding further explanation as for why he had to call someone so urgently, " _'Bon Appétit!'_ "

 

His French's accent sure is terrible - just as terrible as his probably - but it's not what makes Haru frown. He hates it, when Rin does things behind his back.

 

 

(Well, not always, he thinks afterwards. He blushes.)

 

 

"I'll tell you later," Rin says suddenly, and the scene returns to reality "I don't want to give you false hope. Just enjoy your meal today - you said you have an errand to run next week?"

 

"Ah. I'll try to be quick but I can't predict how much time it'll take."

 

"Hm," Rin sucks on his finger the rest of salty soy sauce, loudly, and it makes Haru blushes even more, "Okay then, we'll have to get on with it, just text me when you're done and we'll figure something out. That might be a perfect piece of work though..."

 

"What are you talking about?"

 

"Ah, never mind. Just eat before it gets cold."

 

"Rin, I ordered sushi."

 

He gives a murderous glare and goes back to eating his pork.

 

Rin is quite loud when he eats, Haru notices; it's a good thing that they're pretty much alone in the Chinese restaurant. When they're finished Rin's side of the table is spotted with grains of rice here and there, and he has some sauce at the corner of his mouth - even on his nose but Haru surely won't tell him - and his fingers are sticky.

 

And so Haru watches him lick on his fingers again, one by one, his chin rested on the palm of his hand and he doesn't even notice Rin slowing down in his doing. Rin eyes him; he puts his finger whole in his mouth, adds another and never once he drops his gaze from Haru's torn face. Oh great, now they're in a public place, with Haru significantly tight in his pants and Rin undeniably proud of himself.

 

"You've got some sauce on your face." Haru says, as a sly idea comes to his mind.

 

"Oh? Really? Gosh thanks-" he takes his tissue and levels it to his face. "Where?"

 

Haru takes his hand away. "Let me take care of this." He says, and he stands up from his seat.

 

"Wo-at?"

 

Rin's almost word makes the waitress turn around but Haru doesn't care, he takes him by the arm and leads him to the men's bathroom. The place is deserted; it was to be expected since there is no other client than them and another couple. Haru's fingers brush against Rin's sticky ones as soon as the door is closed, and he leans him against the nearest wall. He kisses his nose first.

 

"What, here? Really?"

 

"Yes." Haru says with a smile; he licks a bit, cleaning Rin entirely. "And you have some at the corner of your mouth too."

 

"Yeah I felt that one." Rin sticks out his tongue but Haru is faster and he licks the remaining of sauce away, as well as Rin's lips. Rin is laughing quietly and soon it gets contagious. They exchange small and brief kisses as both of them can't stop smiling fondly. And then, ineluctably, things get more passionate.

 

"Really Haru, you look... _hungry_ , am I right?" Rin teases him after a very heated and long kiss where Haru's tongue as invaded him with an unexpected burst of passion that has left the both of them breathless - and he doesn't remember well but Haru is pretty sure he has moaned at some point.

 

"Aren't you?" He asks, quite desperately - the disappointment in his tone is hard to hide. He had thought they could go back quickly - in a hurry – home before going to the pool now; but Rin just shrugs casually.

 

What's the point on turning on your lover if you don't want to actually do the do?

 

Haru wants to swear and scream and kiss Rin again and again so that's what he does - the kissing part, not the previous ones, he can't do both at the same time. Haru is already hard when on the other hand Rin is painfully, not hard at all - the fact hurts Haru deeply, both his body and pride.

 

Rin pushes him from his chest. "Hey, I really want to see that movie you know."

 

Whatever Haru does, it seems that he can't win this battle.

 

It's not like he would mind not to love Rin this week after all. He was used to that. It's just another week of waiting before he could feel Rin's skin under his touch. After all...it's nothing, a week, when you think about it. Seven small and ridiculous days in a life time, what is it, what does it represent? It's a mere sand grain in the desert, a drop in the ocean.

 

Suddenly Haru feels thirsty and knows for sure that a single drop won't be enough to quench his thirst. Lost in his thoughts, he misses Rin and his words, and only looks up when he hears him sigh.

 

"I guess it can't be helped."

 

A kind of sarcastic and unamused laugh comes out of Haru's mouth. Took him time to realize how utterly stuck they were.

 

As Rin drags him in a cubicle Haru can't help but notice how similar this place is to the bathroom he owns at the restaurant. The blue tiles on the wall are exactly the same, it contrasts so much with the lay out of the Chinese atmosphere of the restaurant than he wonders why he hadn't noticed before. The doors are the same, too; he blankly looks at them as Rin kneels in front of him and puts his zipper down. They keep it quiet, Haru shudders now and then each time Rin's teeth brush careful past him but he never moans, never hisses, his breathing remains in control most of the time - he just grasps on Rin's head and on his hair toughly, and he wouldn't be surprised if in the end he finds some red long hairs resting between his fingers.

 

He can barely feel his legs anymore when Rin makes him come. He opens the toilet's seat and spits; the back of his hand brushing the remaining of Haru's seed away.

 

"Gosh, I feel like I'll never be able to satisfy your needs."

 

Ignoring Rin's amused tone, Haru slides against the wall, his back slowly going down until his legs stumble against Rin.

 

What is he talking about?

 

Isn't it something natural, when two people are together? Isn't it what they are supposed to do, when they only have that very short time for themselves?

 

Isn't it what you're supposed to feel when you...when you...

 

Rin saw the helplessness in his eyes it seems, because the next moment Haru feels is his arms around him and it stops the tears from running on his face. He doesn't know what has scared him the most. His own feelings, or knowing that Rin might not share the same.

 

 

 

 

(They stayed in each other's arms for a while. None of them cried.

 

The film was actually very good, Haru was glad that they stayed in the mall in the end.

 

When he comes back home Haru still brings along with him a strong scent of chlorine. With Makoto comes along a scent of that anti-bacterial lotion they use in the hospitals. The old lady didn't make it this time but nevertheless, Makoto smiles.

 

If Rin was the sky, then Makoto probably would be the ground. It looks solid at first glance, but its surface is never regular. Sometimes it's even soft and unsteady. The grass sometimes hides the real nature of it but whenever you walk the ground will still be there to catch you if you trip and fall through the hardship of life.

 

People shouldn't be forced to choose between the sky and the earth. There is no way someone would live without one or the other.

 

As those irrational and poisonous thoughts torture Haru at night he dreams of the ocean. He dreams of being a mermaid; a pretty mermaid alone in the water where there is no sky, no ground, no pressure, no tears and no joy. If only love could be that simple.

 

Haru has never been good with metaphors anyway.)

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

"Really? So early?"

 

"Yeah I know it's very sudden. I didn't dare to ask but I'm pretty sure it wasn't..."

 

"Planned?"

 

"Exactly."

 

"You did well." Haru tells him.

 

Makoto sighs, and then smiles and hums, contently.

 

Ran is pregnant.

 

Makoto is on cloud nine since she has called to announce the good news. She has also decided that he'll be the godfather - which is maybe the most rational thing she's done in a while - and so Makoto is already thinking about a name, and looking in babies' magazines for an idea of present he could offer them.

 

"They will probably send us a birth list," Haru says as he makes dinner, "You're worrying too much about it."

 

"But we're gonna be godfathers!! How can you not-"

 

"You're the godfather. She didn't ask me to be."

 

"But you...Haru, don't you like kids?"

 

The real question Makoto wants to ask but doesn't dare to is _'Haru don't you want to have kids and start a family with me ?'_ and Haru knows that too well. That's why, just like for her wedding, he can't help but feel paradoxically very happy and very annoyed at the same time. Ran has always had a terrible timing. And sure, Haru can only empathize and understand Makoto's frustration - he is the oldest one, and they have been together for so long and she is only twenty and carefree and Ran is the one being married and pregnant with a loved child when he isn't, and it shouldn't have been like that.

 

There would be a time when Makoto wouldn't have any choice left but to blame him for that, Haru knows it.

 

They won't be able to pretend that everything is fine between them for too long either.

 

It's been seven years and yet, it feels like nothing had changed in all those years. They are the same, they have the same friends, live in the same cheap apartment. Their routine is the same - not that Haru minds, he actually likes his life being that way; or he thought he did until...

 

Haru may not be totally against a little bit of change after all; but he is afraid now that he and Makoto want to go in opposite direction.

 

In between the mess of his thoughts Makoto somehow asks him if he could close the restaurant for a week and go with him to Ran's place to help up organize everything. He nods nevertheless, because that's how it works between them.

 

 

 

"I am actually worried about that." He tells him as the wash the dishes together. "She...it's too fast, you know?"

 

"Ah."

 

"I know true love can explain some things but...they have known each other for not even a year. And now with the child - what will happen if they were wrong? What will happen if one day they realize too late that they aren't that much in love?"

 

Haru passes him the kitchen towel to dry the dishes. "It always dies, you know. No matter how hard you try, you can't be in love all your life as you are on day one."

 

Makoto frowns. "Why would people spend all their life together then, if not for true love?"

 

He might be talking about his parents - still living together in Iwami near the shore. Talking about parents, Haru has no idea where his own were.

 

"I don't know. Comfort. Fear. Routine. Safety. Maybe love, but it's idealistic to think it's the only reason."

 

Makoto dries the plates one by one, and puts them on the kitchen table next to the sink. "But you know, Haru," His voice is warm; Haru needs to leave, quickly, very quickly- "My heart still jolts in my chest when I come back from work every day to find you waiting for me."

 

"Is that because you love me, or because you're simply happy that I'm still there?"

 

Haru turns the water on to wash the ceramic platter they used at dinner. The clatter of plates bumping on each other as Makoto finishes tidying up the place silently becomes too loud for his ears. Makoto doesn't say anything; he doesn't get angry or denies, he doesn't break down or break a dish - that would have been so cliché - which kind of proves Haru's point, and leads him to think that he wasn't the only one who'd realized their relationship has something broken inside, even maybe from the very start.

 

Maybe it's just a phase. It's been seven years already, Haru had been told it was always around that time that things could turn out ugly. He had tried to ignore it, just like he had tried to ignore everything that bothered him - like, more recently, _Rin_ \- but delaying problems isn't the right solution, and he knows that now. They have to deal with this before the situation gets explosive. Before it's too late.

 

But too late for what?

 

Haru is being unfaithful; it's already too late.

 

 

 

He doesn't warn him and goes outside, takes a run around the city. The more he thinks about it, the more he lets his thoughts persuade him that it has nothing to do with Rin to begin with. Haru has known for years that he and Makoto have had different opinions about fundamental things, on the kind of life they wanted to live, the things that come first. They've had a perfect chemistry for so long - they were like two trees that would have grown up together with their branches entwined, impossible to tear apart from the other - and it had worked great for years. But Haru has noticed, small changes, time using and destroying little by little, each other's' patience and indulgence.

 

He remembers as he runs slowly, some talks they've had, years ago. Makoto wanted to come back to Iwami after he's done studying. He wanted to get closer to his family, to his mom who got sick and to watch the twins grew up. He wanted to be there for them through their puberty and in the end Haru had opened his restaurant and they have stayed. Makoto had never really liked it here; and Haru never dared to ask him again as time went by if he was still planning on going back because he was too afraid that he might already know the answer, and the outcome of his sudden interest in Makoto's unsaid wishes, so he had shut his mouth. It was convenient that way. Because Haru didn't want to move, and after all if Makoto didn't complain then there was no reason to start a war and to break apart everything they've had so far.

 

It has gone like that for a while now. They always find an unspoken compromise for every little daily thing of life but when it comes to important decisions, they drift apart, always. Moving in, settling, marriage, kids; lifetime engagement. Haru doesn't want any of that.

 

Things have been incredibly tense since the announcement of Ran's wedding, but the problem had been lurking in the dark, crouched in the shadows, way before that.

 

Haru is soon breathless. He stops, and hands on his knees, catching his breath. The scenery looks familiar...

 

How incredible.

 

He had ended up just in front of Rin's house.

 

The lights are on. Rin was right; he could see everything that's happening inside the living room - oh god after everything they have done there, _never, never ever again_. The TV is on. There are two bottles of beer uncanned on the table, probably empty. Sousuke comes out of the entrance and sits on the couch. He seems to be talking to someone in the kitchen - probably Rin, who else could it be?

 

He comes out with a frying pan in his hand and a wooden big spoon in the other. He frowns at Sousuke and then, Haru sees the both of them laugh. Rin kicks his roommate's feet gently and then he disappears in the kitchen again. Haru stares at the spot where he last took a glimpse of him before walking back home.

 

He wanted to be inside with him. He hated it, not being able to be with him.

 

When he comes home Makoto is already asleep, and Haru wonders how he can manage to do so after the conversation they've had - Haru is barely able to shut an eye, and the short time he has left for his dreams is full of Rin.

 

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

 

"Thank you so much Haru for coming with me!"

 

"Rei, I told you it was nothing really."

 

They're walking towards the jewelry's store on the 6th Avenue. As Nagisa had expected, Rei is going to propose to him very soon. And as expected, Rei has absolutely no idea that Nagisa has already sent Haru a handful of rings he would eventually like, depending on Rei's budget. It should have been very easy and quickly done then - and he should have been able to join Rin before lunch with a little bit of luck - but Rei takes his time, and then insists to treat him to lunch after _'all he has done for them'_. So of course he cannot refuse.

 

_'Meet me at the pool.'_ Rin sends him, while Rei is enjoying his coffee. _'I have something to tell you.'_

 

Haru frowns, what could it be? He hopes it's not something bad...

 

"Is everything alright?" Rei asks.

 

His coffee's empty on the table. He pays and thanks him one last time, before Haru hurries to Rin.

 

 

 

He is waiting for him in front of the entrance.

 

He makes his eyes sparkle with the news he has been willing to say the whole day.

 

"Do you think it'll be alright?" Rin asks him as they step into the pool.

 

"Yes." Haru has no idea actually but he just wants it too much to care. "I'll just leave very early. I hope I won't wake you up."

 

"It doesn't matter. I want you to wake me. I want to kiss you goodbye before you go."

 

Haru hides his smile. He caresses the back of Rin's hand surreptitiously when no one is looking.

 

He takes out his phone after they swim to write a memo - not that he'd be likely to forget something that big, but he is so incredibly happy that he can't really believe it, and writing it and seeing the words will help him to realize and to accept it even more.

 

_'Thursday : Night at Rin's place'_ he wrote.

 

This time he can't hide his smile. But when he turns around Rin looks concerned.

 

"What's the matter?" He asks him then, but his face is already back to a smiling one, and even if it looks fake Haru is too much on cloud nine to care.

 

They are going to spend a night together.

 

They are going to sleep in each other's arms for a whole night.

 

The mental images of this reunion make his whole body feel light and incredibly warm at the same time.

 

 

 

*****

 

 

 

Haru hurries to close the restaurant and goes home to get ready. It's only 6 PM when he gets out of the shower. He texts Rin.

 

_'We aren't even back from work you idiot! Wait a little. I told you 8 PM should do it.'_ He answers quickly.

 

And so during the two hours he has left, Haru gets bored. He paints but stops each time the sketch is done, he tries to cook but then he gets hungry, and he throws everything in the bin before he has time to give in and eat the meals. He sends messages, to Nagisa mostly, because he didn't have any news since they bought the ring with Rei.

 

It's 7.30 PM when he rings at Rin's door. There was no one inside the living room when he had looked from the window, so the timing must be good.

 

"Hey Sousuke you forgot some- _Haru!_ " Rin gasps. "You're _insane_ Sousuke just got out _what if he-_ "

 

He silences him with a kiss. "I'm glad to see you as well. I'm hungry." And he makes his way to the kitchen.

 

"Haru! Your _shoes_!"

 

He doesn't need to look back to see the pout on Rin's face.

 

 

 

After a light dinner they watch a movie - a love movie, of course - under Rin's blanket. It brings him back warm memories of that time when he had taken Rin's hand into his. His little finger feels on pins and needles at the thought.

 

In this film Hugh Grant plays the British Prime Minister. They are a lot of love stories happening in the same time. Haru has trouble following everything, not when his head rests on Rin and when he feels his comforting presence so close to him. As usual the movie is taking at least 93% of his attention when Haru gets none. 

 

 

A man is making a very cute confession to the girl from Pirates of the Caribbean, the one who got married just moments ago. That's the kind of things Rin would totally do.  
                 

 

Haru takes his glass and drinks all of what's inside with three large swallows. Rin has opened a bottle of red wine. The taste is bitter and strong for Haru's delicate and inexperienced palate but the warmth that comes after a while is far from being unpleasant to ease the tension he feels on his shoulders.

 

"I bet you had a crush on Hugh Grant when you were young." He says, trying to bug Rin. He possesses maybe the whole filmography of Hugh Grant and it's like, crazy; it's even more incredible nowadays, with all the new technology, Haru would have never thought that people were still buying blue ray DVD.

 

Rin laughs, awkwardly. "Not a chance. I don't like little British boys."

 

Haru frowns quickly. His head feels dizzy a little bit when he lifts his head away from Rin's comfortable shoulder. He knows this tone Rin has used just now. He is hiding something from him - but, what, a stupid crush on a 50-ish and unreachable straight actor? It was more than unlikely.

 

"What is it?"

 

"Nothing." He answers all too quickly.

 

Oh, he was lying, Haru just knows it now - Rin is bad at lying, he blushes and plays with his hands too much when he does and it's just painfully obvious now that Haru _knows_ him so much.

 

"Tell me."

 

"I told you it was nothing!"

 

"You're using the high pitched tone again." Rin looks at him, bewildered and at loss of words. "It's like the staring thing I do. You probably don't realize it but you always speak in a higher tone when you're trying to hide something from me." 

 

Rin sends him a glare; the fact that he took his eyes away from the screen is a victory by itself. Haru smiles, triumphant, and leans on Rin's shoulder again.

 

"I don't want to tell you." Rin scowls as the film ends up catching all of his attention again.

 

Haru doesn't push any further, and pretends to be interested in what happens on screen instead; but soon he finds the never ending changes of characters too troublesome to follow the story. Not that he thought he would like it, but it's Rin's favorite movie so he'd wanted to make a little effort. He sighs.

 

"My first crush was Billy Elliot." He says out of the blue. Rin rolls his eyes; it seems he has guessed that no, Haru didn't want to drop the subject yet.

 

"Who is he? A guy at your school?"

 

"Idiot; it's a movie. A very good movie I'm sure you'll like it - you'll cry, but you'll like it."

 

"And what is it about?"

 

"A boy, twelve or something, who wants to be a dancer." Rin raises an eyebrow, and so Haru quickly continues. "His father wants him to practice box just like other boys, but Billy wants to dance. He is very good at it, and so he takes the course behind his father's back. In the end he succeeds - he plays the leader role in Swan Lake. He becomes free."

 

Rin hums, a sign that he has been listening partly while the movie was still going on. He hums but doesn't add anything, like, talk about his own first crush and to Haru it doesn't sound fair.

 

"It's your turn now." He pinches his side mischievously. "Tell me 'bout your first crush."

 

The bottle of wine is half empty on the coffee table. Rin pours themselves some more. "No." He states firmly, and goes back to watching the movie as if his stubbornness wasn't curious at all; but his attitude does nothing but pique Haru's curiosity and so, in order to get the information he now seeks avidly Haru starts to plan schemes - well, he merely pouts, but it's enough to make Rin feel bad, so why would he put some more effort?

 

Rin murmurs something after a few minutes of dreadful and total silence, but Haru was too busy making a face to understand what he has said.

 

"What?" He says, and waits for Rin to repeat.

 

"Sousuke."

 

"What about Sousuke?"

 

"It was him."

 

"Your first crush?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Sousuke?"

 

Rin doesn't add anything, he may nod warily but Haru isn't looking at him anymore so he can't tell - he doesn't want to know anyway. His mind is like frozen in the middle of understanding.

 

"See," Rin says, uneasy, "That's exactly why I didn't want to tell you."

 

Haru tries to sound unaffected by the news - and he really shouldn't be, it was probably years ago and they wouldn't be living under the same roof if there were still, some, remaining feelings hidden in the depth of Rin's heart, would they? - but truth is, Haru understands now why Rin was more than reluctant to share this little secret with him.

 

The slow, burning and destructive wave of morbidly jealousy building up in his chest is hard to repress.

 

"What happened?" he asks nonetheless, because he desperately needs to know - sometimes Haru wonders if Rin has not awaken some kind of masochist tendencies in him - and because the silence that follows Rin's last words is choking on him. "Does he know about it?"

 

At his statement, Rin laughs. It doesn't sound too bad - less bad than what Haru has imagined in his mind at least. "Ah, of course he knows - and trust me, I can guarantee that he would have preferred to be left in the dark."

 

Rin uncrosses his leg and leans further into the couch. "It was during high school, in our second year. We were the best friends you could ever find in the campus. One day I thought that, maybe my feelings for him were just more than ordinary friendship so I confessed. He turned me down rather harshly to be honest-" he laughs again, his eyes lost in the ceiling - "that bastard. To think I was the first one to ask him out. Anyway the funny part is that the night right after that he caught me masturbating in the bathroom and thought I was thinking about him; I think it still haunts him somehow - Oi, are you even listening - that was supposed to be funny!"

 

But Haru is not; he can hear him talking but his voice doesn't reach him behind the buzzing of his ear. Between the sudden burst of jealousy and the wine, Haru feels his blood boiling in his veins.

"I'm going to the bedroom."

 

"Already?"

 

"Yeah."

 

Rin watches him, watches his back silently leaving him numbly and for a few seconds Haru is glad that he hasn't followed him. What is he trying to do, really? Who is he fooling? No one.

 

He needs a bath. He needs to go to the pool.

 

He is running away again.

 

He ran away from Rin's embrace and now he stands like the world's greatest idiot on top of the stairs. He can't be mad at Rin for something that happened so long ago, he can't be mad at him for living under the same roof with Sousuke, he can't be mad because he isn't behaving any better.

 

In fact, he shouldn't even deserve Rin to treat him that way.

 

He doesn't deserve anything from him and especially not his love.

 

"Haru!"

 

Rin calls him out with something urgent in his voice that betrays his nervousness, "Are you alright? I'm sorry I...please just let's forget about it."

 

Haru is the one behaving like a spoiled child and yet Rin talks to him as if he was a fragile thing, a work of art made of thin glass that is about to collapse at any moment, vulnerable to even the slightest cool breeze; he treats him as something which is about to break down.

 

He turns around. Rin looks breathless and kind of worried; but he is still there, waiting for his answer, solid on the stair. He doesn't look like he is about to crumble any time soon. Rin looks so fucking strong and unshakable and for a moment Haru is jealous of his strength. How does he manage to cope with the whole, chaotic and impossible situation they have put themselves into like that?

 

For the first time since they've started this, Haru truly realizes that he has absolutely no idea of what it is he's doing. He has never had control over the situation, because it deals with his feelings and it has always been what he was the worst at.

 

_'I don't know what I am doing,_ ' he wants to tell Rin, _'I really have no idea of what's happening in me, but there is a something in my chest that begs for you, every second of every day since I've met you, and I can't handle it.'_

 

"Let's forget about all this."

 

Haru hugs Rin close to his chest instead of voicing his thoughts again. Rin is right; he always has the solution when Haru needs it the most. It's so easy to forget the world around them when they are locked in each other's arms. Once on the bed there is nothing that can disturb them; there is no past, no future, just the present and their consuming, carnal and fateful desire, endowed with the tragic proficiency to destroy and erase everything surrounding them, everything but them.

 

They have built their own little world in Rin's bedroom and have settled on Rin's bed. Nobody could harm them there; no one could reach them and remind them of the wrongness of their sin. How could the rest of the world understand them, when Haru still struggles to put the words on that powerful link that binds him with Rin so strongly?

 

Rin pins him gently against the door. Haru puts the lights on and grasps on his shirt but Rin would have none of it. He switches the interrupter back and plunges the room into utter darkness.

 

"I've always wanted to do it in the dark." He soughs suggestively. With his hands resting firmly on Haru's waist and blinded by the absence of light, Rin leans his body against Haru's fully in order to feel every inch of him. He touches him, every part of him to replace his muted sight. His sensitive lips run on Haru's soft skin, on his cheeks and eyelids, before kissing the top of his nose and, finally, finding a pair of wanting lips to care for.

 

They melt instantaneously. Rin's hands leave his waist to take Haru's; their fingers entwine so strongly that within a minute their palms are covered with sweat. Haru can feel the back of his head being pushed harshly on the door behind him; Rin's passion is crunching him too hard on the wooden frame, so hard it shall probably hurt. Nevertheless Haru doesn't feel anything but want, pleasure and craving coming from Rin, and it's powerful enough to shut down every other unwelcome and unsolicited sensations he might have.

 

They only unlock their hands when Rin pushes him on the bed. Haru can feel the softness of the sheets under his fingers; it's nothing like the one of Rin's lips when they assault him again, nibbling on his own, making them open to rush his hungry tongue deeper inside him. His palms leave the bed to disappear in the mass of red hair, his fingers playing with rebel bangs as he pulls Rin closer and angles their face better. They kiss, passionately; while Rin caresses Haru's stomach and chest under his clothes Haru takes care of Rin's, and soon his black T-shirt falls on the floor. Haru licks on Rin's tongue, sucks on it; he wants to make it disappear in his throat so that they would stay stuck forever with their mouth glued together until the end of time. He doesn't try to repress a desperate whine when Rin breaks up the kiss.

 

"You want to kiss me again?"

 

Rin is straddling him; Haru sits up on the bed and tries to brush his fingertips on Rin's cheeks in the dark. He shudders when he makes contact with the hot skin.

 

"I do." He murmurs, and he closes the small distance separating their lips and kisses him again, gently. He traps Rin's bottom lip with his, and then goes for to corner of his mouth, his cheekbones, his temple, the sensitive area just behind his ear where his jaw starts.

 

"We have all night for that."

 

Rin's voice is charming, arousing and definitely needy. They'll have to keep futile details for later, that's what he meant; and the message hasn't fallen on deaf ears, for Haru feels quite on edge himself.

 

Tonight he wants to possess Rin, to own him; and he wants Rin to be very aware of that will of his.

 

"I want you to undress and to lie on your stomach."

 

Rin's breath is hot on the crook of his neck. It gets quicker, and the knowing sends shivers down Haru's spine.

 

"You want me naked and on my stomach?" Rin repeats, seductively. He doesn't have to turn him on like that any further than that though; Haru's already fully aroused, just like he is right now.

 

"Yes," he whispered back, "I want you this way tonight."

 

With his mouth fully opened Haru runs his bottom lip on Rin's neck from its crook to his ear, and swallows his earlobe entirely. He licks and sucks on it softly, just the way Rin likes it; his hairs erect on his skin from the base of his neck to the ones on his big toes and Haru can feel the goose bumps under his touch, amazingly, as he strokes Rin's arm and pushes him on the bed along with him.

 

It's quite impressive just how much Rin can respond to his touch when Haru caresses him in all the right places.

 

Rin undresses while Haru opens a drawer and takes out some condoms and the lube. "Can you touch me a little before?" He hears Rin ask when he puts his boxers down, eventually. Rin spreads his legs and Haru doesn't even need light to know that he is probably eating him with his eyes as he bends his head and nuzzles on his inner thigh. He drops light kisses on his way up to Rin's crotch.

 

 "You've shaved." He says then, his tone deprived of any kind of surprise or amazement - he's just stating a blatant fact after all - and yet he hears Rin groan as if he was embarrassed. He hits his head with his thigh for stopping him - or urging him quicker to his groin, who knows - and Haru complies. The tip of his nose runs through Rin's half erected length, and then down; Haru licks on Rin's balls before turning his mouth's attention to his cock again. His tongue tickles the sensitive skin through the tip and when Haru puts it in his mouth, Rin lets out a content sigh, finally. Haru hears the rustling of the sheet as Rin bends his head backward with pleasure, and satisfied with the effect he has on him Haru licks on him, making him fully hard with his lips firmly closed around him. His hands are grasping Rin's buttocks on one side, and his hip on the other to maintain him on the bed -  Rin is hyper sensitive and can have some unexpected violent reaction which had already caused Haru some harm in the past so now he is being careful.

 

Haru runs the flat of his tongue harshly against his dorsal vein. He can literally feel the rush of blood under the flesh. Rin loses his hand in his hair and then, when he finally moans loudly Haru knows it's time to stop his ministration.

 

"You say just _'a little'_." He reminds him before Rin has time to complain. Haru takes off his shirt and pants. He opens the lube and slathers three of his fingers with it. By the time he finishes Rin is already on his stomach.

 

"Does it hurt?"

 

"Not yet. You haven't put anything inside, have you?"

 

"I was talking about your front."

 

He can practically hear Rin smirk from there. "That's why I only asked you to touch me a little, you dumbass."

 

Haru shuts him up by putting one finger inside him. He moves in and out without asking for Rin's approval, but it's only because he knows Rin likes it that way - he likes when Haru is rough, harsh; he likes when the grip on his wrist is so strong that it leaves bruises, he likes when Haru sucks and bites on his skin. And it's exactly what Haru wants for tonight.

 

He wants Rin to feel him like he has never felt him before. He wants to leave a reminder of his presence so that Rin won't be able to think of anyone else but him when he's gone.

 

Rin grasps on the sheets tougher when Haru adds the second finger. He lets out a whine and Haru stops for a moment. He waits for Rin to relax around him and when he does, he tries to find a better angle to go even deeper inside him, to make him moan and go crazy and blow up his mind so that he won't be able to think about anything but the overwhelming pleasure Haru is offering him.

 

When he starts to pant Haru puts the third finger in. Rin bulks his hips against his touch.

 

" _Haru,_ " he moans, "I want you."

 

He kisses the back of his neck; his mouth moves near his ear. "You're ready?"

 

Rin nods, he doesn't have the strength to speak, not when Haru hits on his sweet spot and makes him almost shout in bliss. "Haru," he says again, "Haru please, I want you now."

 

There's only the noise of a condom being torn opened and of breathless lovers troubling the silence of the night. Outside the window there is not even an owl hooting a serenade for them. Haru adjusts himself on Rin's entrance, the footsteps get nearest to the front door, he finally enters him and in the darkness of their sanctuary Haru swears he has seen the light - someone puts the lights on downstairs, the young woman takes off her high heels.

 

Haru stills for a second but soon, Rin's hips urge him to move again. He feels so tight that it's even difficult for Haru to get out. He thrusts in again, Rin lets out a moan. It makes him lose his mind for good.

 

He loves it when he makes Rin moan like that. It makes him think of the siren song, the sound that can make any good man go crazy and lose any kind of common sense, until he finally finds his death in the ocean's depth. Is that why he keeps on dreaming of being a mermaid? Is that the true meaning behind those images; has he drowned because he had succumbed to Rin's song?

 

He thrusts in deeper. The force of it makes Rin breaks his back into two. " _Aaaah_ , Haru again!" He moans, it's like a delightful melody to Haru's ears, and Rin's sweaty skin taste of the nectar of gods and nothing else matters, nothing else can compare to that feeling of absolution and state of grace.

 

" _Aaah_ , There, Haru-"

 

_*squeak*_

 

Haru's hips move on their own now, lost in his desire, he goes further and deeper into Rin with his chest fully resting in his back, their bodies sliding against each other thanks to the pearls of sweat that had formed there.

 

"Haru, stop for a second."

 

He bites on his lips to repress a moan; why would he ask such non sense now? "You're coming too soon?"

 

"No Haru stop now!" He whispers, his tone alarmed. "I think Sousuke is there."

 

Haru freezes on the spot. He rests on his elbow and against Rin's back, dreading, waiting for a noise to confirm Rin's theory. Alas for them, the giggling coming from the corridor behind the closed door doesn't leave any places for hope.

 

"What is he doing here that early?" Rin whispered in panic.

 

"It's already 10.45 PM."

 

"What? Really? But exactly how much time did we spend on kissing?"

 

Haru shrugs, but Rin can't see it. He is almost shaking under his body - but it's not the end of the world, it's just Sousuke being here in his room with a girl and they will probably do the same thing as they were doing before they got interrupted. They will absolutely give no shits about what happens in Rin's room.

 

It doesn't make any sense to be that concerned about Sousuke being here...unless...is Rin embarrassed to have sex when his old crush is there, at all ears?

 

 

(If Haru's mind was a room with a tidy desk, there would be a cupboard full of clothes next to it. Each cloth would be printed with the words 'misunderstander' or 'miscommunicater', in big, red, capital letters.

 

But Haru doesn't always find it useful to ask before making assumption.

 

That's something he should have done from the very start.)

 

 

 

He moves inside Rin again; he doesn't know how or why but this has turned into a competition for him. And he is not ready to lose to Sousuke, he won't let him have Rin, not this way.

 

"Ha-what the fuck-are you doing?"

 

"What the fuck aren't you doing, Rin?"

 

Rin lifts himself on his elbows and turns his head towards Haru. "What are you talking about? He's gonna hear us!"

 

"And?"

 

"And what ? Do you want...him to...find out - come on Haru this is insane I'll never give you alcohol again-"

 

"How can he know who you're with?"

 

Rin stays silent, he isn't struggling when Haru caresses his side, and goes down on the small of his back. "He doesn't know that I am the one in there, does he?" Haru kisses the back of his neck tenderly and goes down to the place between his shoulder blades. "And if you keep very, very quiet I'm ready to bet he won't even notice what we're doing."

 

A well placed thrust ends up breaking Rin's reluctance. "You do want me that badly then?" he whispers in the night; Haru only responds with a shudder of lust and goes for Rin's hand.

 

"Yes I do."

 

He feels Rin tightened around him and then, he gives in, entirely. His head falls on the pillow, he bites on the soft fabric to tone down his moans. Haru rests his head near Rin's, his hot breath skimming over his ear; his hands are feverish on Rin's moist skin, and he grazes his back and hips with his short nails without breaking on the skin. His grip becomes more harsh as he starts moving inside him again in an agonizing slow pace, slow but firm, all the while sucking on Rin's ear when he's not himself moaning softly.

 

His head is about to explode. This is exactly what he had wanted from the very start; he is feeling Rin like he has never done before. Their skins are on fire, hypersensitive and hyper reactive, Rin still jolts each time he caresses his side and the top of his ass, and the way his hips sensually move to match his thrust is definitely going to be the death of him.

 

This is not just sex, Haru realizes. Maybe it has never been just that, to begin with. There had always been something else as soon as it concerns Rin.

 

Haru strengthens his grip on Rin's hand. He needs, desperately, to know what it is, that bond between them both. He needs to know and at the same time Haru is so scared he already knows the answer.

 

" _Aaah Rin_ \- I'm-"

 

The door bursts open.

 

"Excuse me! I'm the naked straight roommate. Please don't mind me, just go on."

 

Rin gasps, and quickly hides them both under the sheets. Haru retires unceremoniously and rests on Rin's chest with his head covered from Sousuke's sight. Rin's heart is pounding madly in his ribcage, he can hear him whispering some obscenities again - _'shit shit Shit!'_ \- and even after the intruder is long gone, the pace of his heart doesn't slow down. Haru drops a sweet kiss where his heart should be. But it doesn't seem to have the effect he expected.

 

"Do you think he's seen you?" Rin asks with his hand resting on Haru's head.

 

"I don't know."

 

"I...I don't think he did."

 

"Me neither."

 

"The room is pretty dark. I hid you on time."

 

"Yeah, I think so."

 

"Okay...okay...it's...it's fine then."

 

Rin's voice is quavering, muttering the word in Haru's hair. He kisses the top of his head, as if he wanted - needed - to get reassured. He holds him close to his chest.

 

"Do you think he knows?"

 

Haru listens to Rin's heart; it's still beating incredibly fast, his fingers are frozen his in hair, and that's how he realizes that Rin is in fact very scared.

 

"Has he done, or said, something that leads you to think he does?" Haru asks really calmly. They can hear the girl from the other side of the wall. He probably hasn't seen him at all...or he wouldn't be able to enjoy such things mindlessly.

 

"I don't know. He might. Remember the day we...kissed at the pool?"

 

The day Haru threw up in the bin just after that and shove him away? How could he ever forget about that…

 

He nods.

 

"Well that night...I thought I would never see you again. I didn't want to, to be honest; you kind of hurt me badly back then but in hindsight I realized it was just a futile attempt to regain a little bit of control on what you were making me feel at that time...anyway. I left my phone at home and went running. When I came back Sousuke had deleted all of your messages that I haven't read yet. And what he told me afterwards was kind of enigmatic but...I think he had a bad feeling about this. What did you text me back then?"

 

"Nothing really." Haru replies softly. "Something along the line of _'we need to talk'_ and _'I'm sorry'."_

 

"Yeah that's the kind of things I would have expected, coming from you."

 

"What do you mean by that?"

 

Rin ruffs his hair; he probably meant to be affectionate but the harshness of his gesture hardly hides his uneasiness. "Well, you know. You're not very...demonstrative. You don't talk a lot."

 

"Ah." That's what he meant then. Was it?

 

"And..." Rin's hand stops moving on his head. "Do you think Makoto knows?"

 

"...I don't know."

 

Haru talks frankly. For the moment Makoto has done nothing that could betray his knowledge on their affair but...the simple fact that he isn't aware of that just feels out of place. Makoto always knows what's going on inside Haru's head, sometimes even before he does. Of course things at home had been kind of tense lately, but there had been a lot of other reasons to explain the lack of fondness, of harmony and of tenderness coming from Makoto these days.

 

Their last fight, for example, is still left unfinished.

 

The Makoto he knows should have been aware of them. There was no way he could have let that slip. What was happening? Does he know but choose not to tell? Or does he really have no clue...have they lost their telepathy link over the years?

 

As he thinks the problem over again, Haru listens to the regular and quick rhythm coming out of Rin's chest. It's still not slowing down. It should have by now. Rin breathes more loudly too.

 

And then, Haru hears a very low, strangled sob. He is crying. Rin is crying and he is trying to hide it from him and the simple thought makes him ache even more than the possibility of someone finding out about them.

 

"Rin!" he whispers; he crawls on Rin with their chest touching, and cups his cheeks with his thumb cleaning the tears away. "Rin what's wrong? Talk to me!"

 

He sniffs loudly, proudly trying to hide his tears away as usual. Rin can be adorable when he gets stubborn like this.

 

His voice sounds broken when he finally finds the strength to speak.

 

"I...I can't. I'm sorry I can't."

 

"Can't what?"

 

"I can't continue like this!"

 

Haru sits up on Rin's hips. Somehow, as he leaves the warmth coming from the sheets and Rin's body, he realizes how much colder the air is on his skin. Rin is crying just under him, and he can't find the words to ease him. What he has said...it cannot be real...he was joking, right? That's the only explanation...That was just a bad dream. Haru has fallen asleep watching that movie thanks to all the red wine he'd drunk and none of this has happened. Sousuke has never been Rin's first crush, he has never interrupted them and Rin never said that he didn't want their affair to continue any further.

 

This is something that couldn't be happening. Not right now. Not yet.

 

"Aren't you going to say something now?" Rin sobs as he sits on the bed as well. Haru looks towards what he thinks is Rin's face but he cannot be sure in the dark, and even if the lights were on he isn't totally sure that he would be able to see him. It's like everything had been shut down. Rin's words haven't just left him speechless; they have done so much damage, so much harm and have left him half dead, bleeding to death on the white sheets of their bed.

 

 

(It was their room. Their bed. Their sanctuary. How could Rin reject him like that?)

 

 

Haru hears a small ' _click_ ' and the light comes out. Rin has turned on the small and old lamp on his night table. He now can see clearly his red and swollen eyes, when on the other hand Rin might only be able to see a ghost sitting on his lap, his eyes unfocused and mind gone in a far, faraway place - maybe in the depth of the ocean with other unlucky sailors who'd fallen for the siren's song.

 

"Haru," he says, to make him focus - it poorly failed - "Haru, what am I to you?"

 

In response Haru just takes his hand in his. He strokes on the soft skin with his thumb, his eyes stuck on the scene, avoiding Rin's and his fateful question. He has no answer to give him. There is nothing he can think of, nothing he has ever seen before that can explain fully what Rin truly represents for him.

 

 

 

 

(At some point Haru thought he was in love with Rin.

 

But it's Makoto he is with now, it's him he is supposed to love and during their seven years together, even from the very start, it has never felt like that.)

 

 

 

 

"Because sometimes I feel like you're just playing with me, you know?"

 

"Pardon?"

 

Rin's words again sting on his skin like a needle, forcing him to come back from his dreamy world and to face the reality; because he cannot let him say such insanity. If there's something Rin isn't, it's certainly a game for him. He isn't just playing around - they are serious about this, aren't they? They have never talked about it but it was pretty much obvious. Wasn't it?

 

"Haru you really never thought about what I felt, not even once, did you? You never tried to see things from another perspective."

 

That's right. He never tried because he was too busy trying to figure out what was happening in his own heart. It's not because he didn't care. It's because he is just bad at those things. It's not because he thought Rin wasn't important.

 

"I am a man who is screwing up a very long and healthy relationship because I couldn't control myself. I'm a man who has lived in fear that someone would notice what I felt for you, and told me I was doing something wrong, put me in front of my crimes, and forced me to stop seeing you. Because I knew from the very start, I knew I would never be able to forget about you. And the fact that you were already with someone else made me feel so miserable. I couldn't help but think that I would be happy if you broke up with him so I could have you all by myself; and just the thought of wishing someone to be unhappy for my sake...I couldn't handle it at first.

 

But all the guilt I felt always disappeared when I was with you - when _I'm_ with you. I feel like I forget everything else, I forget how awful I am and all the thoughts that are eating me alive and forbidding me to sleep at night melt away when I look at your eyes. And when I noticed that the way you looked at me left no place to speculation I kind of lost my mind. I thought it was okay to flirt. I thought it was okay to try to have you; because with the way you looked at me I knew it was what you wanted too.

 

And the more time we spent together as lovers the more I got angry at the thought that you weren't mine. Can you even imagine how it is to know that you sleep in someone else's arms every night? That none of your friends or mine will ever know about us? Did you even think about how horrible I feel for doing what we do? I never tried to talk about it because I imagined it was the same for you...I mean, I know you and the rare times you spoke about Makoto I could feel the uneasiness in your voice; so I never pressed the matter further. But you, it's just...

 

I feel like I was made for you, Haru,

 

I feel like every single one of my bones was made to be incrusted into yours. That all my flaws, all the irregularly of my body find their place and fit into yours. All of the things I never understood about me, about who I was really and what I was supposed to accomplish here, they all found their answer the moment I met you. You're my missing half, Haru; I know it sounds crazy but what I feel, it's so strong, it makes me stop eating and stop sleeping so how can it be something else?

 

And then I looked at you and, I had the feeling that what you felt for me was far from being the same. You jumped on me every time we had a moment and you never talked about what you feel, about what you thought we're doing...That's why, you understand now? You have to. It cannot continue like this, or I'll never get over you. I'm tired of being unhappy and miserable because of you Haru. I'm tired of waiting in fear for the day where you would wake up from your daze and end this because you think it's finally time to stop playing around. So, if I'm just some kind of final distraction just before the wedding-"

 

"Wait."

 

Haru has trouble breathing, he doesn't know how to deal with all those information at the same time - why does Rin have to be such a romantic and emotional bomb when he couldn't even handle his own - and there is so much wrongness in what Rin has just said; but this one sounds alarming, because it rings a bell in Haru's memory, and somehow some of Rin's weird behavior could maybe find their answer, if he asks the good question.

 

"Which wedding are you talking about?"

 

"Well, yours, isn't it obvious?" Rin looks devastated; Haru wants to scream. "I saw the rings on your phone. I also saw you with a friend of yours going to the jewelry store - it's the place I've been shot, I always have my jog down there, my analyst told me it was unhealthy but I don't really care. I get it now, you're just feeling anxious and you doubt and-"

 

"But we're not the ones getting married!"

 

Haru has never wanted more to take Rin's head and to smash it against the nearest wall. The thought makes him want to vomit, or to jump in a bucket of icy water. Where...how did Rin end up with that idea stuck in his mind?

 

Is that only because he is scared of losing him?

 

Or does his own ineptitude of showing his inner emotions have a role to play as well?

 

He only realizes it now, but Rin is just insecure about them. That's why he doesn't want to continue like this. It's not because he wants it to stop. It's because he is afraid of getting too much hurt if Haru decides to leave him.

 

But it's not going to happen.

 

Is it?

 

 

 

 

(It is the very moment when Haru finally acknowledges the fact that, however he turns it in his mind, when he tries to visualize his future it's only to find Rin walking along side with him, hand in hand. It's a very scary thought to have. It's the kind of dream that makes you vulnerable, dependent of someone else but after everything Rin has said tonight, suddenly the thought doesn't frighten him anymore.

 

Because now he knows that Rin feels the same.)

 

 

 

 

"...Really?" Rin says, incredulously.

 

"Yeah. It was for a friend. The rings were from his soon to be husband. He wanted me to choose for him."

 

"...What kind of relationship is that?"

 

Haru shrugs, he is not the right person to judge other's relationship; and Rei and Nagisa are very happy together so there is no need to be critical - it's just how Nagisa is, but it's not something Haru can teach Rin now, it's not the time and in any cases, he'll need to be with Nagisa to understand Nagisa.

 

And then, Haru remembers what Rin has just said. He will probably never meet him. He won't have the opportunity to introduce him to his friends because of what they are.

 

That's something he never thought of. Each time they are together he forgets about the world outside, about his life without Rin but those people still exist. They can't live a life with just the two of them, lost and hidden under the sheets of Rin's bed. Even if it's what Haru longs for right now he knows it's impossible.

 

What is he going to do now?

 

"Okay...I got...carried away but it doesn't change what I said. None of it. I know how it will end, you'll never leave Makoto for me and I will end up broken anyway so I might as well do it myself now while I still have the strength to."

 

"No."

 

"What _'no'_? There is no _'no'_. You don't have the right to decide this for me-"

 

"I'll tell him."

 

"Because this is a decision I made on my own and you have absolutely no right to make me change my mind when I'm all vulnerable like that and - what? What did you say?"

 

"You heard it right the first time."

 

At this hour of the night the sky should be full of stars. Maybe not in the very center of the city where the lights coming from the houses and streets mask the beauty of the scenery but where he was born, in Iwami near the shore, Haru is sure the sky is full of stars as he looks at Rin. His eyes are dark and wet, and they are bright and shining just like the sky he wishes they could both see one day, the sky of his childhood, the one he grew up under.

 

There are times when Haru hates making him cry. And there are times when the tears are worth it.

 

"But...but..." Rin just can't find his words. Haru doesn't mind it, he didn't even think about it twice before he had said those words but it had felt like the very right things to do in this moment - it was certainly bold, but for now, it's okay. For now, Rin's happiness is more important than any things else in the world.

 

"What about...about...and Makoto..."

 

"You know, I don't...I don't think he really _loves_ me." He says, and it's big news for Rin as well as for himself, actually. "You made me realize...he is in love with the concept of us, I think. He likes the idea of us being together, like a perfect couple; but he doesn't love me for who I am. We've been together for so long, I feel like he is scared of being left alone; that he cannot find the resolve to cut the cord."

 

Rin takes him in his arms and cries, his head resting on his bare shoulder; Haru caresses his back until the tears stop. They stayed still, for maybe half an hour. They can hear Sousuke snoring from the other room - Rin laughs softly.

 

"He's always like that when he drinks a little too much."

 

Haru smiles against Rin's hair. "I hope I won't snore that much then."

 

"You snore?"

 

"Sometimes; when I'm sick, mostly."

 

He hears Rin tsks; he doesn't seem very amused at the thought. "I should probably warn you then. I often steal the blanket and, it's very likely that I'll kick you out of bed in the middle of the night so if you end up waking up on the floor, you'll know why."

 

It makes Haru laugh, warmly. The brightness of his voice even manages to surprise him - and Rin as well, but it was to be expected - and he can't help but smile fondly. The simple fact of knowing such small and insignificant details about Rin makes him honestly incredibly happy.

 

"I have so many things to learn about you." He says, stroking on his hair, "I really can't wait to learn everything I don't know yet."

 

"And then, what will you do?" Rin asks in a strange tone. "What will do you when you'll know everything about me? Will you get tired of me?"

 

There are no stars in Rin's eyes anymore. There're no tears either. It's just his usual flaming red eyes, full of determination. Haru has the feeling that he is testing him; he wants to know if he can trust him, or more precisely, to know how far his trust can go.

 

"I thought I knew all I needed to know about love." Haru replies thoughtfully, "I thought I loved Makoto. And I thought Makoto loved me too, I truly did. I thought I knew what love was and then I met you."

 

Sometimes, the answer is easier than expected.

 

Sometimes, you just have to erase what you think you know and start learning again. See things from a new perspective.

 

Times change, people change, everything changes. The vision you have of the world isn't a fixed picture; it's something that keeps on moving along with the person you become as time goes by.

 

Rin holds him closer to his chest and starts crying again. Really, Haru thinks, he needs to stop doing that each time they are getting emotional - it's no wonder why they never talk about those things, because if only Rin knew just half of what Haru feels for him, it would certainly be enough to make him cry enough tears to fill an Olympic swimming pool.

 

But after all, with his own words, Haru has just told him that he loves him.

 

That he isn't planning to go anywhere without him.

 

So, Rin has the right to cry of happiness; but it's just for that time.

 

Because if he concentrates enough on his eyes, Haru can feel that they are starting to get slightly wet as well.

 

"Do I…Rin, are you really unhappy with me?" He asks as Rin sweeps the tears away from his eyes.

 

He gives him a brilliant smile before turning the lights out. "Yeah, I was."

 

 

 

 

 

 

4.30 AM comes too quickly for the both of them. They have barely been able to sleep; Haru may have closed his eyes for a second near 2 AM and the second after the alarm on his phone had woken him up. He stretches out his limbs, and kicks on Rin; he wakes him up with a growl of pain.

 

"Already?" Rin mumbles.

 

Haru just yawns in response. He gets dressed in the dark.

 

"Hey,"

 

He can't remember where he has put his T-shirt.

 

"Are you really going to talk to him?"

 

Haru freezes on the spot, even if he really didn't intend to. Last night has gone from the utter nightmare to a place in heaven but now, at nearly 5 AM in the darkness of Rin's room, Haru starts to think that he may have spoken a little bit too quickly.

 

But after all if it was the only way to keep Rin then, he had no other choice.

 

"Come here," Rin says before he leaves, "Don't forget my goodbye kiss."

 

Haru crawls on the bed and, as expected, Rin grabs him and pulls in a very tight hug. He kisses the top of his head.

 

"Don't make me wait too long, you idiot," he says, his voice full of adoration is singing in his ears and Haru then forgets why he had felt so bad seconds ago, "Because that heart of mine you've stolen is helplessly in love with you and aches every seconds that are not spent with you."

 

The confession Rin made last night echoes in Haru's heart as they kiss goodbye. He sighs in Rin's arms, holds him strongly against his chest to the point of hurting; because he wants to be a hundred per cent sure that it's not another dream of his.

 

 

He pulls on his shoes and leaves the house with his head on cloud nine. If they were in a shoujo manga, Haru is sure people could see a couple of red heart floating around his head, or the ghost of Cupid's golden arrow planted in his chest. As he enters his house he can still feel him. Rin is following him everywhere. His love lingers on his skin and heart, invades his mind and soul. It's incrusted in him so strongly that he isn't sure he will manage to make it go away. But it's okay, because he doesn't want to.

 

He writes a text to Rin. It's really on a whim. It's because of all those feelings rushing through him and making him smile like an idiot who has gone high – like, gosh, Haru really has the feeling that he's just smoked some good weed.

 

_'I love you too.'_ He sends, and this time, he didn't delete the message – he is just too _happy_ to do so.

 

Rin doesn't answer right away. Haru tries to sleep but he feels too excited and impatient. He ends up in the kitchen and makes some breakfast, and then he takes a bath. When he comes down he notices that Makoto's part is gone. It's 7 AM already, he is probably sleeping in their room. Haru tiptoes near the bed, takes back his phone and his stuff and then, he goes to work, feeling not tired in the slightest after his short and intense night with Rin.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And then eventually, Haru comes down from his state of grace.

 

 

 

Rin never answered his message. When he double-checks before leaving the restaurant, he notices that even the message he's sent early this morning is gone.

 

He feels a drop of cold sweat going down his spine.

 

Nagisa has called him before closure. They are finally engaged. Of course, he and Makoto are going to be their best man.

 

Ran sent him a very polite text as well, about the baby, about how happy she is that they will go and visit them in a couple of months.

 

When Haru comes home his hands are shaking.

 

Rin makes him forget the whole world around him. He has made him forget about Makoto for long, but that's not just him. He isn't the only thing he might lose if he finally gathers the courage to confess their love affair.

 

The house, their friend, the people he had known his whole life. He might lose all of that.

 

If it was only a question of love the choice would have been simple but, it's not just that. It's a choice about the kind of life Haru wants, or what he is ready or not to sacrifice for it. Why do things always had to have a terrible timing?

 

 

 

(If only he had met Rin a little bit later. Or a lot sooner. Why hadn't they met when they were in high school? Or even sooner?)

 

 

 

When he gets home, a little bit stunned, he doesn't even realize Makoto has cooked his favorite dish.

 

"Welcome home!" He says, with a warm smile. He doesn't look at him in the eyes. He doesn't even thank him for the meal.

 

They go to bed without talking, and then, he kisses him goodnight. Haru licks on his lips; he wants to remember how he tastes like, what he tasted like and why he enjoyed it so much before he met Rin.

 

But he can't find an answer. Sure it's far from being unpleasant but it's not-

 

"I wonder where you've learned to kiss like that."

 

Makoto turns off the light and turns his back to him, leaving Haru with fear and trembling. In the silence of the night Haru can't find any stars in the sky as he looks towards the window. It's the second time of the week that he spent a sleepless night but this time, it's not exactly for the same reason.

 

 

 

The air on his skin feels so cold.

 

 

 

He wants to disappear in the depth of the Ocean, and never to reappear again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

(If Haru's mind was a room, there would of course be a bed. Just in front of the desk, a humble bed with an old blanket, probably one of his grandmother's. It would be harsh and itchy, with kitsch designs but very warm; it's something that he would never get rid of whatever people would tell him. He would sleep alone in this bed originally made for two.

 

One day, he would wake up with a pink post it resting on the pillow next to his head, and on it he could read those the words, written with his grandmother's beautiful handwriting:

 

 

 

_'He knows'.)_                                                                                   

 

 

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I remember I wanted to say smth very deep here but I forgot...Hope it was worth reading. See you for the final :)


	4. Haru - The Man who Fell in Love on Mondays - Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes life hangs by a very tiny, fragile and unexpected threat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a journey, what an adventure I have lived with you, thank to this two boys. I can't quite believe that's it's actually the end.
> 
> This chapter is the last one, as you all know. It's pretty long, more than 20k. It took me only a week to write. I really hope you will enjoy it, I have no idea of what is running in your head before reading but I hope what I give you will be better than your best guessing.
> 
> It's super recommended to reread chapter one. Like, really. There is a lot of things that are left unsaid because they happened in chapter one. And it's easier to follow the timeline of the story. (You will excuse me for chapter one ao3 messed a lot with the chapter so there is a lot of space randomly added here and then, especially near the end.)
> 
> I had listen to a lot of music while writing this. Mostly Coldplay - X & Y (What if +++) and the three songs that are mentioned in the fic. La Superbe de Benjamin Biolay (and a lot of other songs from the French artist) - Stuck on a Puzzle by Alex Turner for the movie Submarine - I follow rivers by Lykke Li. You can listen to them I'll put the link in the story, if I can.
> 
> I need to thank all the people who had helped me going through this because it was really hard to write. Thanks to my waifus Swirly Iki and pushpullD (haha new nickname), thank you matecentric (new nickname as well) and everyone who had to bear with me complaining.
> 
> Thank to all of you who decided to read this even if the plot is heavy.
> 
> Here it comes! 
> 
>  
> 
> WARNING : Angst, depression. (Like, really), and maybe mentions of death here and there. :)

 

 

_._

_On reste Dieu merci à la merci d'une étincelle_

_Quelque part à Paris au fin fond du bar d'un hôtel_

_Dès la prochaine vie je rêve de se rester fidèle_

_Quelle aventure; quelle aventure._

_[La Superbe](http://lyricstranslate.com/fr/la-superbe-pride.html) \- [Benjamin Biolay](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xtmVTfGJUzA)_

_._

 

# Haru - The Man who Fell in Love on Mondays - Part 3

 

 

The radio is still playing on the little set they keep in the bathroom. Makoto surely forgot to turn it off before going to work. It's Monday morning, but Haru can't find the courage to get up and text Rin. He doesn't have any strength left in his bones; and he still hasn't tell a thing to Makoto when he'd had the whole weekend, because the hurt look on his face took the last strings of his thin resolve away.

 

His phone vibrates. When Haru crawls on his stomach to see who's from, it's with a relieved sigh that he reads the name of none but his short blond friend.

 

_'Coming for lunch break!'_

 

That should do it. Nagisa is a human battery; he shall be giving him the energy he desperately lacks these days. This time he can't do it alone. There are just so much things he needs to sort out, and if he can't tell Makoto at least, he has to tell someone - and that someone can only be Nagisa.

 

He lies down again on top of the blanket and looks at the ceiling. There are some mosquitos cadavers smashed on the white surface - it's the beginning of summer after all, and Makoto likes to sleep with the windows open. He rests his phone on his chest bone, waiting for it to vibrate again because he likes the feeling. It's only when he realizes that he is mainly, mechanically waiting for something coming from Rin that the thought irks him - he puts it on the pillow next to him.

 

There is a soft, calming ballade playing on the radio now.

 

 _'I'm not the kind of fool who's gonna sit and sing to you, about stars girl,_ ' It sings, _'But last night I looked up unto the dark half of the blue, and they'd gone backwards.'_

 

Haru rolls on his side, listening to [the soothing melody](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0YEVNacmtw).

 

_Something in your magnetism must have pissed them off, forcing them to get an early night._

 

_I have been searching from the bottom to the top, for such a sight;_

 

_as the one I've caught when I saw your fingers deem in the light,_

 

_Like you're used to being told that you're trouble._

 

_And I spend all night, stuck on the puzzle.'_

 

 

(Haru felt very stuck indeed. This song reminded him of Rin as well. There wasn't a single thing, a single song, a single phrase, a single object that didn't make Haru think of him. Rin was stuck at the back of his retina, and his image reflected in everything Haru laid his eyes on. And each time it reminded him of his absence; and each time it made him ache.

 

His smiling face was painted on the white ceiling. Haru felt his heart skip a beat. He desperately wanted to see him.)

 

 

 

"Haruuuuu~~?"

 

Haru has left the door opened for Nagisa to come to him without getting up from his bed. Even if his heart feels more alive and vigorous than it has been in ages, the same thing couldn't be said for his limbs. Haru feels tired, even exhausted; it's not the kind of physical tiredness, no, it's something else entirely; a force that forbids him to lift his hand up to the hair to get the hair out of his face, and that makes him feel like sinking in the depth of his own bed.

 

Haru isn't hungry either. Nagisa bought some snacks; he ate the whole, all the while never looking elsewhere but directly at Haru's face, and his avoiding eyes.

 

"We found a great place for the ceremony already. Rei wants us to hurry before his parents leave." Nagisa says, grinning; but it's not his usual smile, somehow it feels forced, it feels wrong, "We called in a caterer; after what we witnessed at Ran's wedding there is no way we're going to make you work for us - don't be upset about it. We want you to enjoy the party with us. You'll be the best man after all."

 

"I'm not upset." Haru says.

 

Nagisa's speech has succeeded in redirecting his attention to something else than the sight of Rin, grinning and stunning and waiting for him to act Haru cannot pretend he doesn't see in the ceiling. Lying on his side, Haru picks a piece of bread. Some crumbs fall on the sheets.

 

"Haru...are you alright?"

 

At last the fake smile disappears from Nagisa's honest face. He's always been awful at lying, even worse than him. Haru sighs.

 

"I don't think so."

 

There is something dramatic about the way that Nagisa puts his sandwich on the floor - it's the slowness of it, it's the illusion that it weights of a hundred pounds and yet, seems so fragile; just like Haru's heart has been lately.

 

"If there is something...I know that I haven't been a really good friend lately," Nagisa says in a quiet voice, "I've asked you a lot of things and you never asked anything in return - the ring is perfect and Rei had no clue and, it's all thanks to you. It's thanks to you that we're where we are now and I was so happy that I didn't see you were doing not fine."

 

From what he hears and guesses, Haru has the feeling that Nagisa isn't only talking about him, but of something greater.

 

"Did...did Makoto say something?"

 

His fist curls and grasps on the sheets tighter. Nagisa's gaze drops on the floor.

 

"...He might. You know he started spending a lot of time with us on Saturday nights since you've started working on Sundays."

 

"He didn't tell me."

 

"I have the feeling that he isn't the only one, who had started hiding things from the other; am I right?"

 

Haru turns his head away; he doesn't need to be told of his fault again. He already feels more ashamed than he thought it would be possible.

 

"I guess that was it..." Nagisa sits on the bed next to Haru's legs. "You know, since I've known you both, I have always been kind of jealous of the relationship you had."

 

Haru watches blankly the image of Rin getting blurred from his eyes.

 

 

"You can't even imagine how happy I was when Makoto told me you were dating. All I could think of was 'Finally!', because to me you looked perfect together. You had always worked with perfect harmony and to be honest Makoto has always looked so taken with you, since I can't remember so I was really happy for him. I could help but wish to find someone like Makoto was to you. That's why I guess it took me so much time to understand that...well, you know what." Nagisa smiles fondly, probably thinking about Rei again. "Anyway, it's only later, years later than we started to realize there was something lacking between you two."

 

Haru lifts his head, a little. "What do you mean by that?"

 

"That now that I've had my own experience, I started to realize that the idea I've made of the perfect couple that you were, when I was younger, was in fact not perfect at all, not when I looked behind the surface. I have looked at you a lot and saw nothing but an old antic bridge on the verge on collapsing. You were an old, impressive and majestic roman bridge but when I took a closer look I could see all the flaws, the breaches, and the missing brick at your foundation. From that time I kind of knew you were doomed to crumble, and it scared me. It scared me so much that I chose not to see it. I chose to forget it and you seemed to do the same. I guess in the end we, all of us, played the ostrich-like approach. Because I was scared that it will set the four of us apart."

 

They are exactly eight mosquito's cadavers, just next to the ceiling light. The room is rather big, since it contains stuff from the both of them - and some of Haru's painting, his easel, his aquarelle - but from all the places the small insects have decided to stay near the light. As if it had been impossible for them to go elsewhere. 

 

(After all, humans are only cultural animals, aren't they?) 

 

"I'm in love with someone else."

 

Haru can see the surprise on Nagisa's face, but never the aversion he thought he deserves. Nagisa is polite enough not to gasp, or to shout; he just stills on the bed with his hand sets on Haru's leg. He has grown so much since high school; it's certainly the most adult of the whole group now.

 

"Okay." He says, and, that's all.

 

 

 

 

The fact that they are both still together in their living room, drinking coffee with half dozens of macaroons Nagisa brought, with a kind smile on his face is an utter mystery to Haru. He had expected tears, cries, disdain and rejection; he had expected the world to hate him and yet Nagisa was making sure that absolutely everything was perfect for Haru. 

 

(Be careful the coffee is hot - how many sugar? Oh right just one, I take two and Rei none, I can't remember everything I always mix up - Just for you to know there is no mackerel flavor, and I asked, trust me - Do you need something else? - Do you want to watch TV?) 

 

"I don't even remember how many sugars Makoto takes with his coffee."

 

"Haru..." 

 

The TV is on, but it's more for distracting him than because they actually watch it. The noise is good, anything but silence is good; in the silence every single of his heart beats echoes stronger in his head, and they're screaming Rin's name and the need to touch him. His phone has been vibrating since they left the room - it's 1PM already, they have to go to the pool in an hour - and Haru thought that with Nagisa he'll be able to ignore it. He can't. He's tried but he can't.

 

Rin is the light and Haru is just a brainless mosquito; and even knowing that he'll get burned if he flies closer to the light he hurries towards it nonetheless. 

 

"I am horrible. I feel...awful. To think that I've been - we've been - wrong all those years. Seven years in vain...I don't know what to do." Haru buries his face in his arms, hiding it from Nagisa's attentive gaze. "I love Rin. I love him so much that it made me realize how much of a fool I was to think it was love we had with Makoto. It's nowhere near what I feel right now. I thought I loved him for seven years and it was just a lie."

 

Nagisa puts his cup on the table. "So you've already made up your mind? About what to do?"

 

"It's not like I have the choice."

 

In front of him Nagisa pulls on a bemused expression that Haru chooses not to comment on. There's no point in explaining to him anyway, how fateful his love for Rin is. That's not something he can explain with words only. That's not something people outside of them can understand.

 

"You know Haru, there is something that Rei told me long ago - well it was his mother saying, but she got it from her grandmother herself, who got it from a singer in the 1900s', something like that - so, I mean, it's a very old truth, that's what I truly mean. Anyway, Rei one day told me that there were as many ways of loving that there were lovers in the world. So, you don't have to feel bad about what you feel for Makoto - or, not feel, in your case. It's not because it's different from what you have with this Rin that it wasn't love. What you have had, it was not a lie; it was just a different kind of love."

 

And, as if Nagisa's words were wrapped with a balm of solace, the ache in Haru's heart slowly disappears; he lets his raw emotions spread through his eyes.

 

 

 

He calls Rin when Nagisa's gone.

 

"I want to see you."

 

 

Rin kisses him outside of the pool. His lips are warmer than fire he cooks with but it runs on him without burning. Just like his skin, his hands, when they travel down his spine; or his fingers on his hair, playing with the locks he finds there when they're hidden under the sheets of Rin's bed. There isn't a single portion of their skins that aren't touching.

 

Rin's mouth is hot, incredibly hot on him. Haru kisses it with the same passion, their legs entwined and then, Rin breaks the kiss abruptly.

 

"Did you tell him?"

 

Under the sheets suddenly the air becomes colder. It freezes the lust running under Haru's skin once more and lets the dread, the anticipation and the fear take its place.

 

"No, not yet." Haru breathes. And then he waits.

 

"...Okay." Rin just says. He kisses him again, almost mechanically.

 

His lips were as cold as ice.

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

It's not part of Haru's wont to put off until tomorrow what he can do the present day; usually at least it's not. But this week every excuse is good to postpone his difficult task to any other possible day.

 

He wakes up in sweat, most of the night. The only thing he can remember of his dreams is the coldness of Rin's lips on his, and it's only when he opens his eyes that he sees he's kissing his corpse.

 

When he rolls on his side Makoto is sleeping on his back, something he rarely does.

 

They have spent so much time together. He can remember the whole, infinity of little details that make Makoto the person he is now; all of his flaws, his outstanding qualities, his old habits, the silly things he does every mornings or when he gets nervous. Makoto had slept a whole month on his back when his mother had been really sick last year. She made it alright, hopefully. But this is also the reason why Haru, every time his eyes meet green, can't find the strength to break his heart.

 

Nagisa was right. Even if it's not the same, Haru still loves him somehow. They share a bond that old friends share, a bond built in time and through the hardship of life. Makoto is someone he deeply cares for and he doesn't want to cause him harm. It's maybe the very last thing he would have wished for, except that now it's too late and he can't go back.

 

Haru remembers the first time they have shared a bed. They were both drunk, but he could have refused, he could have said no. To him it had seemed like a natural thing, and strangely unnecessary at the same time. But Makoto had seemed so happy the following morning; and as Haru didn't seek anything else than the happiness of the person he loved the most, things had stayed that way. He had let it spill out of his hands like everything in his life, just because it felt comfortable; even if in the depth of his mind he knew it wasn't right.

 

Haru didn't care if it wasn't perfect, at least not until he had the feeling that, in the end, Makoto would get hurt. That moment arrived sooner than expected, and way before he and Rin had met. He should have done it sooner. They should have broken up way sooner.

 

And now because of his lack of action, of his chronic cowardice, the two people he cares for more than anything else in the world are suffering.

 

Haru hates pain. He runs away from it, every time he can. And so that's why, a week later when he meets Rin again, he still hasn't found the courage to break the news to Makoto.

 

 

 

 

 

"You're so tired." Haru says, fondly, to Rin lying on the bed, his limbs spread like a star.

 

"I'm so-" He yawns, "Tired!"

 

"How was the party?"

 

"Fabulous. Gou loved the car." Rin mumbles.

 

"Well of course she does. You chose it."

 

"More like she made me choose it." Rin scowls, and then smiles as he watches Haru smiling back at him. "What's with you?"

 

Haru shrugs, his smile still on his face. "Nothing."

 

"Nothing my ass." Rin's eyes get playful again; his smile turns into a grin. "I know that look."

 

"What about my look again?" Haru rolls his eyes, trying to fake annoyance; Rin brings him closer to his chest. "Are you sure you're not seeing things in my eyes? 'Cause I definitely don't want to eat you up this time - not again, at least."

 

"Ah but I'm not talking about _that_ look, Nanase." He laughs a bit, after seeing Haru's adorable pout he fakes again; and Rin finally lies down completely on the bed, his head getting deeper into the soft pillow.

 

"I'm talking about the ' _I'm so fond of you Rin Matsuoka'_ look you wear."

 

His statement makes Haru frown, and still in Rin's arms.

 

"You know, I don't really care that you never say you love me when I literally can't stop saying it each time I think of you. You don't have to, because I know. I know you love me because of the way you look at me right now."

 

Haru listens to the regular, slowing down breathing coming out of Rin and only when he is sure that he's fast asleep Haru lifts his head, leaves Rin's warm chest and takes the time to look at him. There are rings under his eyes. His face is paler, even greyish at some place where the bones are near the surface of his skin. Haru runs his palm against Rin's body, and feels the relief of his structure more preeminent than ever.

 

"You've lost some weight too, haven't you?"

 

Rin continues to be sound asleep, his chest moving up and down. Haru leans on him again and waits, to see if he has awakened him but nothing happens.

 

His face is just inches away from him now. Their noses are almost touching. From there he can see all the flaws on Rin's skin, all the details that make him who he is and which make him love the man so much more.

 

"Have you got any idea of how crazy you drive me?"

 

Rin's cheeks get wet. Haru sweeps the tears away.

 

"I love you so much, so fucking much." Haru says.

 

Their forehead join, and then, Haru cups Rin's face as if it was worth all the water in the world. His arms curl behind his neck; Haru hugs him like his life depends on it.

 

 

 

(It took him some time to realize that the tears aren't falling from Rin's eyes.)

 

 

 

**

 

 

 

Tue the 14th, 9:56 AM. From Rin Matsuoka

_Where did you go yesterday? You weren't there when I woke up...I miss you. Hope you're alright._

 

Tue the 14th, 10:06 AM. To Rin Matsuoka

_You were too beautiful to be awakened. I'm fine. Miss you too._

 

> Do you really want to delete this message?

> Message deleted. 

 

Tue the 14th, 12:56 PM. Missed call from Nagisa. 

 

Wed the 15th, 7:25 PM. From Makoto

_I'll be late tonight. Sorry I know it's been kind of regular recently. Lots of work, but it'll get better once I'll take my days off._

 

Wed the 15th, 7:26 PM. To Makoto

 _I'll make sashimi. I'll save some for you in the fridge. Be safe._

 

Fri the 17th, 9:32 AM. From Rin Matsuoka

_Monday seems always slower to come. Can we go to the mall in the morning? I need some new shoes. ilu._

 

Fri the 17th, 9:45 AM. To Rin Matsuoka.

 _Sure_.

 

> Do you really want to delete this message?

> Message deleted.

 

Fri the 17th, 10:06 AM. From Rin Matsuoka

_Btw, did you tell him?_

 

> Do you really want to delete this message?

> Message deleted.

 

Fri the 17th. 8:45 PM. Missed call from Nagisa.

 

Sat the 18th, 2:02 AM. Outgoing call to Nagisa. Last 35 minutes.

 

Sat the 18th, 8:32 AM. From Makoto.

_I forgot to buy the bread!! I am so sorry could you find some time during the day? I'll come to the end of my duty to take it. I am so SO sorry it's the third time this week that I forget my turn I am so sorry :'(_

 

Sat the 18th, 3:35 PM. To Makoto.

_I have it. You can come any time. Don't be sorry it's okay._

 

Sat the 18th, 3:36 PM. From Makoto.

_You're an angel. I love you._

 

> Do you really want to delete this message?

> Message deleted.  

 

Sun the 19th, 6:44 AM. From Rin Matsuoka.

_Good morning sunshine <3\. Hope you'll have a wonderful day. I miss you incredibly. Can't wait for tomorrow. What time?_

 

Sun the 19th, 6:47 AM. To Rin Matsuoka.

_Good morning. You woke me up. >:[. The soonest possible? When does the mall open its door?_

 

> Do you really want to delete this message?

> Message deleted.

 

Sun the 19th, 7:05 AM. From Rin Matsuoka.

_I know it was on purpose. I wanted your first thoughts to go to me. Even if it meant you swearing 'cause of me. Did it work? ;p (10 AM I think)_

 

Sun the 19th, 7:16 AM. To Rin Matsuoka.

_Perfectly_

 

> Do you really want to delete this message?

> Message deleted.

 

Sun the 19th, 7:23 AM. From Rin Matsuoka.

_XD I know you can't see me but I'm doing the victory dance in the bathroom. Naked. That way maybe your thoughts about me will be filled with less anger and get more...dirty :3_

 

Sun the 19th, 7:36 AM. To Rin Matsuoka.

_You're always the first thing I think about when I wake up Rin._

 

> Do you really want to delete this message?

> Message deleted. 

 

Sun the 19th, 8:00 AM. No new message.

 

Sun the 19th, 10:45 AM. Missed call from Nagisa.

 _> _ This correspondent left a 23sec message. To listen to the record, call the #888 (free service.)

 

Sun the 19th, 12:13 PM. From Rin Matsuoka.

_God Haru sometimes I could cry just by thinking about how much I love you_

 

> Do you really want to delete this message?

> Cancel!

 

Sun the 19th, 7:32 PM. From Makoto.

_My sister called. The date for the trip is fixed. It'll be in ten weeks. Could you take some vacation at that time? Please try, it's important, for her, and for me._

 

Sun the 19th, 10:56 PM. To Makoto.

_I'll see what I can do about it. Business isn't working that well lately, I'm not sure if we can afford to close the restaurant for so long._

 

_Sun the 19th, 11:11 PM. From Makoto._

_I'm sure it could have been avoided if you hadn't decided to stubbornly open on Sunday. I'm going to bed. Goodnight._

 

Sun the 19th, 11:43 PM. Outgoing call to #888

 

Mon the 20th, 12:05 AM. To Nagisa.

_I'm sorry there was a rush. Tomorrow I'll be busy all day. I'll call you in the evening._

 

Mon the 20th, 12:07 AM. From Nagisa.

 _Busy? Haru you need to hurry up instead of playing around. You don't have time to be busy anymore we have a deadline coming! Rei says Hi btw. Don't worry he doesn't know_

 

Monday the 20th, 10:01 AM. To Rin Matsuoka.

_Where are you?_

 

Mon the 20th, 7:15 PM. Incoming call from Rin Matsuoka. Lasted 32min.

 

Mon the 20th, 7:22 PM. Missed call from Nagisa.

> This correspondent left a 32sec message. To listen to the record, call the #888 (free service)

 

Mon the 20th, 8:01 PM. To Nagisa

_Sorry again. Rough day. We met his friend he wants to invite me and Makoto to their house. Rin is panicking. I don't know what to do._

 

Mon the 20th, 8:09 PM. From Nagisa.

_I dunno, tell him?:/_

 

Mon the 20th, 8:15 PM. To Nagisa.

_Makoto's just learned that Ran has too much sugar in her blood. Now he fears that she'll die during delivery. It's not really the perfect timing._

 

Mon the 20th, 8:18 PM. From Nagisa.

_There is nothing such as perfect timing, Haru._

 

> Do you really want to delete this message?

> Message deleted.

 

Mon the 20th, 11:54 PM. From Rin Matsuoka.

_None of this shit would have happened if you had just, told him, you know? Did you even intend to?_

 

> Do you really want to delete this message?

> Cancel!

 

Tue the 21th, 12:13 AM. To Rin Matsuoka.

_I'm sorry. It's just harder than I thought. I've known him for 20 years...just, give me more time. Please Rin I will do it trust me._

 

> Do you really want to delete this message?

> Message deleted.

 

Wed the 22th, 9:34 AM. From Makoto.

_They gave me my Monday! I told Sousuke it was okay. I can't wait to see Rin again you never talk about him anymore I kinda miss him ^.^_

 

> Do you really want to delete this message?

> Message deleted.

 

Wed the 22th, 5:30 PM. To Makoto.

_That's great. Rin is fine. Btw I have a special event on Tuesday evening at the restaurant. I won't be there until late at night. Do you mind?_

 

Wed the 22th, 5:43 PM. From Makoto.

_Of course not, if it's for work. Don't overdo it okay? :)_

 

Thr the 23, 7:14 AM. From Rin Matsuoka.

_Haru this won't do I can't I really can't find something you must not come. I'm serious I won't handle it. Each time I imagine him with you I feel like vomiting it's gonna be a real disaster. Just don't come. Or tell him but, either way, DO SMTH!_

> Do you really want to delete this message?

> Message deleted.

 

Thr the 23th, 5:02 PM. Outgoing call to Rin Matsuoka. Last 6min.

 

Fri the 24th, 7:24 AM. To Rin Matsuoka.

_Rin, stop pouting. I have a surprise for you. What time do you finish duty on Tuesday?_

 

Sat the 25th, 11:34 AM. From Makoto.

_They made the second echo. They said the baby is probably going to be tall and big. How is she going to give birth to something bigger than her? What if they have to cut her belly????_

 

Sat the 25th, 3:12 PM. To Makoto.

_Stop worrying. It's going to be fine, and even if it's not panicking isn't going to help her. It happens all the time. They'll make an X-ray before the delivery to make sure everything is okay. You always imagine the worst out of things, but sometimes the worst scenario you imagine in your head isn't the most likely to happen._

 

Sat the 25th, 3:24 PM. From Makoto.

_…Are you really sure about that?_

 

> Do you really want to delete this message?

> Message deleted.

 

Sun the 26th, 12:45 PM. From Nagisa.

_Haru, Rei wants us to hurry and send the invitation and make the table plan asap. I don't want to explain to him why we can't have you and Makoto next to each other. You have to tell him or I won't be able to cover you up long. I understand you must feel terrible but it's just like a band of wax, the quicker you take it off the less pain it is for you. I'll be supporting you Haru, no matter what, but this isn't a situation you can live in any longer._

 

Sun the 26th, 6:45 PM. From Rin Matsuoka.

_Say that you're sick or feeling unwell. That your mother suddenly remembers you exist and wants to see you. I don't care I can even shot you in the leg but DON'T COME WITH HIM. Afterwards I'd rather shoot Makoto in the leg. Or myself. At least I know how it feels, and it'll still be better than seeing you two together._

 

Sun the 26th, 6:56 PM. To Rin Matsuoka.

_I tried but Makoto keeps sending me those suspicious look I don't want him to learn about it like that. I'll do it fine. I have an idea. Just trust me okay we just have to pretend one day and then we'll have the rest of our lives for us. I know I'm asking you a lot. Please. I really do love you. Please Rin._

 

> Do you really want to delete this message?

> Message deleted.

 

Sun the 26th, 7:45 PM. From Makoto.

 _Sousuke told me they've baked some pancakes o/ It's been so long. He told me Rin loves them. I'm sure they won't be anything near as good as yours though. We should invite them next time so they can see who makes the best pancakes in the world! (I mean you ofc) (you're the best) (I mean it was probably already obvious but) (I'm embarrassing myself again sorry_ >///< _)_

 

Sun the 26th, 9:12 PM. From Mother.

_Put 100g of flour with a pinch of salt in a large mixing bowl, make a well at the center, crack 2 eggs. Then add 50mL of milk and 1 tdsp of oil. You whisk like I showed you when you were little and add milk until you get a silky batter. Put the secret ingredient only then. Remember only 1 drop or the taste will be too strong. I usually add some brandy in the batter as well but you don't have to._

 

Mon the 27th, 9:08 AM. From Rin Matsuoka.

_At this rate I'll be the one sick before you arrive. I feel like throwing up since last night I didn't even sleep. When are you supposed to be here?_

 

Mon the 27th, 9:10 AM. To Rin Matsuoka.

_For Brunch._

 

> Do you really want to delete this message?

> Message deleted.

 

Mon the 27th, 9:11AM. From Rin Matsuoka.

_Ur an idiot._

 

Mon the 27th, 9:13 AM. To Rin Matsuoka.

_I know. I'm your idiot. 11 I think. Just breathe. I am anxious too._

 

> Do you really want to delete this message?

> Message deleted.

 

Mon the 27th, 10:35 AM. To Rin Matsuoka.

_We're leaving the apartment now. Don't forget I'm inviting you for dinner tomorrow night okay? Look forward to it. I love you. It's going to be okay._

 

Mon the 27th 1:53 PM. Outgoing call to Rin Matsuoka.

_'Hi! You're on Rin Matsuoka's phone. I'm not available for the moment but you can leave me a message after the Bip.' BIP._

_End of call._

 

Mon the 27th 1:55 PM. To Rin Matsuoka.

_Rin please pick up your phone._

 

Mon the 27th, 2:33 PM. To Rin Matsuoka.

_This isn't funny Rin. You weren't really serious in the kitchen right? Please I'm worried._

 

Mon the 27th, 3:09 PM. To Rin Matsuoka.

_Rin where are you are you even alright?_

 

Mon the 27th, 3:32 PM. Outgoing call to Rin Matsuoka.

_'Hi! You're Rin Matsuoka's phone. I'm not available for the moment but you can leave me a message after the Bip.' BIP._

_End of call._

 

Mon the 27th, 4:11 PM. From Rin Matsuoka.

_I don't want to talk to you. What I said was deadly serious. I don't want to see you again._

 

> Do you want to erase this message?

> Message deleted.

 

Mon the 27th, 4:15 PM. Outgoing call to Nagisa. Last 1h07min.

 

Mon the 27th, 5:23 PM. From Makoto.

_Haru I know you're feeling sick and that you love water but you've been in the bath for ages and I terribly need to pee. So if you could get out it'll probably save my bladder and your immune system. Or just unlock the door._

 

Mon the 27th, 5:25 PM. To Makoto.

_You sound like Rei. I'm getting out. I'll go for a walk I need fresh air._

 

Mon the 27th, 5:54 PM. To Rin Matsuoka.

_I know you're angry. Answer my call, we need to talk._

 

Mon the 27th, 6:27 PM. From Rin Matsuoka.

_You were supposed to tell him. You were supposed not to come and you failed me. What tells me that you're going to leave him for me? Nothing. I could have trusted you but you didn't give me that chance. You say you love me? What proof do I have? You're still living with him, sleeping with him, preparing his breakfast and doing his laundry. You're with him 6 days over 7 and you dare say you love me more? If it was really the case it wouldn't be like that._

 

Mon the 27th, 6:29 PM. From Rin Matsuoka.

_I've seen tragedies due to my work. Sometimes I've seen women in tears with the blood of their lovers on their hands. Sometimes I have seen the bruises and swollen lips after they have confessed they were seeing someone else. There is no happy ending for stories like ours. So at least, let me leave you before the damages are beyond repair, before I feel like I wouldn't know how to breathe without you holding my hand. If you really love me then, you'll let me go._

 

Mon the 27th, 6:37 PM. To Rin Matsuoka.

_We aren't beyond repair I can fix it. I can fix you. I'll tell him tomorrow I promise you just have faith in me, since I can't ask for your trust, have faith in my love for you. I already don't know how to breathe without you anymore._

 

Mon the 27th, 6:54 PM. From Rin Matsuoka.

_Before we part, there is something I have to tell you. There hasn't been a single living being I have loved more than you, in my entire life, and there never will be. Goodbye Haru._

 

Mon the 27th, 7:05 PM. To Rin Matsuoka.

_Rin you can't say goodbye to me it'll kill me._

 

Mon the 27th, 7:10 PM. To Rin Matsuoka.

_Give me time. I will do it. I love you. Please tell me you'll meet me tomorrow._

 

Mon the 27th, 7:28 PM. To Rin Matsuoka.

_Rin, answer me please. I need you to answer me. I need you._

 

Tue the 28th, 2:08 AM. To Rin Matsuoka.

_Rin, I need more time. I have been with Makoto all my life; and you're asking me to leave him for you, who I only knew for less than a year. You're asking me to leave my home, my comfort zone for something unknown to me; and at first it scares me, it really scares me to death but now I feel ready. I feel ready because the more I think about it the more I think that you're the one. But I have spent seven years in Makoto's arms, and I can't leave him so quickly; I can't do that to him when he loves me so much and had done nothing wrong. He deserves someone better that's for sure but I need to make things right. So please, please Rin I beg you, wait for me, please wait. You're the love of my life. I'll die if I lose you._

 

Tue the 28th, 4:34 AM. To Rin Matsuoka.

_I can't sleep. I don't know what to do. Please answer me Rin._

> Sorry, the message you've sent won't reach its destination. Do you want to try again?

> Sorry, the message you've sent won't reach its destination. Do you want to try again?

> Sorry, the message you've sent won't reach its destination. Do you want to try again?

 

Tue the 28th, 4:36 AM. To Rin Matsuoka.

_Rin ????? RIN!_

> Sorry, the message you've sent won't reach its destination. Do you want to try again?

 

Tue the 28th, 6:00 AM. Outgoing call to Rin Matsuoka.

> Sorry, the number you've composed is not available.

 

 

 

Haru gets off his bed, his mind clouded by the horror of realization and his eyes, barely opened, try to distinguish his surrounding before they get immerged with salty drops of water. He takes the yellow block of post it they keep in the cupboard at the entrance.

 

 _'Don't wait for me'_ he writes, roughly. A drop falls on the paper. Haru doesn't care enough anymore to hide it. Anyway it was what he wanted to do, from the very beginning.

 

He leaves the post it on the fridge and goes to the restaurant, surrounded by the pale light of morning.

The air which enters his lungs is painfully cold that morning; and it makes him ache even more to realize he still can breathe on his own.

 

 

***

 

 

_'Sorry, the number you've composed is not available.'_

 

It's almost midnight, perhaps. The moon is reflecting on the large window in the entrance. Rin didn't come. There are two, cold and full plates put on the round table, facing each other. The candle had died during the time Haru had waited in vain, sat in the corner or the empty room, his hand curling around his knees. Haru was rocking back and forth before he remembered what his mother used to say, that it was something only mad men do. He stopped.

 

But could he be considered as a sane man? Definitely not.

 

Not when Rin had left him.

 

Not when he was left with only half of his whole.

 

He is going mad.

 

Every second that passes adds a little more pain in Haru's heart. His body aches, as if a million of small needles were planted on his skin and getting deeper slowly with time. Haru could be bleeding, but there're only tears that run on his skin. He doesn't know when he had started crying. Maybe it's when he had reread Rin's text, his eyes full of hopes and trying by any means to ignore the truth and bitterness in Rin's words.

 

' _I don't want to see you again.' 'I don't want to talk to you.'_

 

' _There hasn't been a single living being I have loved more than you, in my entire life, and there never will be.'_

 

_'Goodbye Haru.'_

 

It sounded more like a Farewell to him.

 

The tears start running down his face again. Haru cries uncontrollably as he tries to yell his pain away.  He shouts, alone in the immense room where he and Rin should have been rejoicing the start of their new life, not minding that curious ears might hear his despair, not minding what could possibly happen to him anymore because, it's enough. Life was enough.

 

He couldn't go on like this anymore. The needles were too painful. They prevent him from moving a single muscle, or to even start the birth of a thought. The pain of Rin's loss and rejection has turned him into a puppet, a body, a mere shape without any will or want.

 

Haru cries out to the point of exhaustion and it's only when the lights go out that he realizes it's past 1 AM, the time when the electricity is programmed to turn off every night of the week. The room is plunged into darkness, only enlightened by the moon, too far away to provide him a decent view from the place he stands. Soon Haru also feels the air getting colder; the grey smoke coming out of his mouth when he blows is maybe the only thing he is given to see clearly.

 

He could stay there all night. He could die of coldness if he chooses not to move. It's not like he has the choice really, after all. Crying took all his remaining strength away; the rest had disappeared the moment Rin had chosen to erase him from his life altogether.

 

There are footsteps coming from outside. Haru hears them and then, his heart starts beating again.

 

"Rin?" He whimpers, his voice strangled by his hard sobs.

 

But of course, it's not him. Rin never wanted to come.

 

"Haru!"

 

It's only Makoto who runs towards him, a frontal lamp on his forehead. He kneels at his level and looks at him with his green eyes only full of worry. Haru wants to laugh. If only he knew how much of a monster Haru had been to him, he certainly wouldn't have so much sympathy for him.

 

"Haru! I was worried sick! You told me not to wait for you but it's past midnight and you wouldn't answer your phone-"

 

"He didn't come."

 

"What?" Makoto turns his head, and with his spin the light falls on the small round table, with two plates and candlelight and a vase filled with red roses. "Oh." He says, and then pauses, his eyes slowly showing signs of understanding. "He didn't come."

 

"No." Haru sobs, incontrollable. He would want to spare Makoto, but not now, now with the pain entering every inch of his skin, he cannot spare him from the ugly truth. "He left me."

 

Haru leans his head against the nearest wall, far away from Makoto's gaze, half fearing his reaction. None of them speaks for a good time. Makoto walks in the room and only comes back minutes later with all of Haru's clothes. Haru blinks. Does he expect him to go back to home after what he'd heard? Didn't he understand what it really meant?

 

How can…

 

How can Makoto want to help him after all the horrible mess he'd caused?

 

"What are you doing?"

 

"Bringing you back home."

 

"No."

 

That's the only answer that comes out naturally. It's just; kind of unreal to him.

 

"Let me here." He adds, after he sees that Makoto doesn't move an inch and that he obviously can't read what's on his mind for once. "Let me die here. I'm not worth anything. I'm not worth going home with you."

 

"What are you talking about? Of course you're going home with me."

 

"You don't want me there."

 

"You're wrong, I do." His grip on his arm intensifies. It's almost enough to lift Haru from the ground.

 

"Ha! Drop it Makoto, it's not time to play hide and seek anymore. It's all over. Leave me here."

 

"No I won't!"

 

"But I have cheated on you, I have been for months."

 

"I know. I still want to take care of you so now, if you'd stop being more of a jerk you already are, can you please, stand up and follow me back home, Haru?"

 

Makoto's voice rarely gets commanding and angry like that. It's enough to startle Haru and in his moment of doubt, Makoto takes the opportunity to take him in his arms and to hold him bridal style. Haru wants to scream. He wants him to put him down. He wants him to let him die here. He can't live without Rin. It doesn't matter to him, that Makoto can't live without him as well.

 

"Don't touch me!"

 

"Haru just shut up will you?!" Makoto says, his voice loud.

 

"Why?!" Haru tries to struggle out of Makoto's grip, and poorly fails, of course. "Why are you doing this? Why are you taking care of me after all this? WHY DON'T YOU HATE ME?"

 

"I DO HATE YOU."

 

They've reached the entrance door, but Makoto has stayed inside. "I hate you so much! You have no idea of how hurt I have felt, all this time! I hate you, but I still deeply care for you. Is that too complicated for you to understand? Do you really still think love is just a straight road you have to follow? That you absolutely have to only love one person in a life time, or that you can do nothing but love the person you're with?"

 

Haru has stilled in Makoto's arms. He doesn't dare to move, not even to cry.

 

"I hated you but I also realize now how hurt you are. I can't look at you, destroying yourself, because of the love and guilt you feel. I can't do anything about the fact that he left you, but at least let me take the guilt away. I'm very, very angry at you Haru; you have cheated and it's something I will never forget and that will leave an indelible trace in me but honestly, asking me to let you die alone here is the worst thing you've done to me. So now, come back to your sense and go home with me. We'll sort the rest out later. Just for tonight, I want you to be safe."

 

The cold air hits his face as they walked towards Makoto's car. His arms protect him from shivering, and Makoto holds him tighter, like a mother would take care of her child. Haru cries on Makoto's shoulder. 'Sorry' he mutters, 'I am so sorry.' Makoto already knows, so he doesn't say anything, and it doesn't ease the pain in his own heart.

 

But if Haru is safe, then the rest doesn't matter. Anger could wait.

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

"I called the restaurant. The doctor gave you some rest. He told me you can take all the time you need." Makoto says, one day, Haru can't remember when. It's not Monday at least, because Haru always spends his Mondays with Rin after all.

 

"He also told us that you need to drink and eat a little."

 

There comes Nagisa's voice. What is he doing here?

 

"You also need to walk and leave the bed, at least twice a day. Otherwise your tendons will retract and your muscle will melt and you won't be able to stand anymore."

 

So even Rei has come here, to laugh at him, to point at him and judge him now that Haru only got the treatment he deserved.

 

Haru wants to tell them to go away. He wants to stay alone. He is tired, he doesn't want to move or to eat. He just wants to sleep until the next Monday. Haru wants to speak but his voice is too weak to be heard by the others. He can't even look at them; the brightness of the day burns his eyes too much for him to open them fully.

 

He heard them leave. Makoto brings him soup; he thanks him and takes some. He falls asleep quite quickly after that.

 

He wakes up in sweat when he remembers that Rin will never come back. And then, he cries, again.

 

Makoto isn't there sleeping with him anymore; but he runs from the guests' room to their, and hugs him, until the tears stop.

 

What time is it? What day is it?

 

To Haru it seems like an eternity since Rin has broken up with him.

 

"You need to rest." Makoto murmurs as he lays Haru down on the sheets. "It's been a couple of days. The doctor said you need a lot of rest. You had a huge breakdown."

 

"Okay."

 

"Do you remember now?"

 

"I do."

 

"Good. It's good that you stay with us. It'll help you to heal."

 

"...What if I...don't want to?"

 

The blinds partially hide the light coming from outside. It's the end of summer. The leaves are turning orange and yellow in their alley. It's always a beautiful scenery to watch – Haru likes to paint them, usually. It's his favorite time of the year.

 

"Haru…" Makoto sits just next to his lap, looks at his eyes, red and swollen by hours of crying. "Haru, you will get better, okay? Promise me that you will try to get better. Think about us Haru. Think about your friends, your parents, think about me. Do you really want to me end up in the same state as you're now?"

  

 

 

 

(The leaves now fall on the ground. Cars drive on them, and crunch them behind their wheels. Haru had opened the blinds, and now looks every morning to the street outside. He spends hours looking at people walking. One day, it occurs to him that he might spot Rin and he stops, altogether.)

 

 

 

 

Three weeks after the breakdown, Haru finally finds the energy he'd been lacking severely. It hadn't been cause by anything particular, actually. He had just woken up with the will to paint the leaves before they all fall on the ground.

 

It was tiring, almost painful, but within a minute or two Haru finally put one leg into his jeans. He smiles. He would never have thought this simple task to be so hard months ago, but now the fact that he can make it alone is enough to make him smile and to feel proud. The second leg comes even more fluidly. He takes his time, breathes deeply and puts his hands on his thigh. He counts, to three, and then with a single burst Haru stands up, and lifts the hem of his jeans to his waist.

 

He is kind of quavering at first but soon he finds his balance, with a little bit of help – from the wall, mostly.

 

The important thing is that he is making this alone. It doesn't matter that he wants to lie down again, or that he feels extremely tired already, or that he will certainly need to look for a belt later. Haruka Nanase has melancholy and he can get dressed on his own.

He is healing. Slowly but surely.

 

It's difficult to walk again. It's not physically difficult really. Haru's legs are still strong enough to support his weight but he has to think of walking, and this is what is the most painful. Haru blankly stares at his legs as if they were going to move alone without him ordering anything. He laughs, mostly at himself; it can't be a bad thing to have some sense of humor back, even if it's a terrible one.

 

'Bend your right knee, lift your right leg, and lift your right foot towards the door. Put it down. Now do the same with the left leg. Bend your left knee, lift your left thigh. Watch where your foot will land, always a step ahead of where you stand. The door is closed, but it's okay. It's okay Haru it's not locked. You just need to open it. See the handle? It will open if you turn it on the right. Now, lift your right arm, curl your finger around the door handle, and turn it on the right. See? The door is open. It wasn't that difficult. You can do it now. You are healing.'

 

It took him almost fifteen minutes to get to the living room. He can vaguely hear Makoto's, Nagisa's and Rei's voice. They never leave him.

 

"I know but it's so early," he hears Makoto saying, quite alarmed, "I can't take him with me and I can't leave him alone. I have no other option but to ask you to-"

 

"Haru?"

 

Rei is the very first one to see him coming. The other two turn around. Haru's feet are dragging on the floor and he still needs his hand on the wall to keep his balance but surely, Haru makes small, slow steps towards them. He sees Nagisa jumping out of his chair to help him walk faster but Rei stops him in time. The three of them watch him, religiously, as he takes the last chair that remains unoccupied around the table the used to eat on. The TV is turned off.

 

"…Thank you." Haru murmurs to Rei. He needed to do that alone.

 

"Do-do do you want some-"

 

"Tea." He speaks quietly. Haru can't raise his voice yet. He doesn't want to anyway. It's too tiring.

 

Nagisa goes behind the counter where they keep the kettle and the tea leaves. Haru holds his lazy eyes towards him, his head turning slowly. Nagisa keeps on showing him some different leaves and Haru merely nods when it's his favorite one he's holding. Nagisa smiles. He looks over excited – it's already wearing him out; he hopes they won't ask him too much questions.

 

Hopefully they don't.

 

Haru's friends keep talking about what was preoccupying them before Haru interrupts. Makoto has to leave for Ran's place in six weeks now.

 

"…I'll be…okay." Haru says, when all eyes are turn on him. "I can…manage. I'll…be better."

 

"You've make huge progress Haru-chan!" He frowns, even if it's not very flagrant, it's enough to make Nagisa almost cry of joy.

 

"You kind of took us by utter surprise today," Makoto tells him after he took a slip of his tea. "What happened?"

 

"Did you have a nocturne revelation?" Nagisa asks.

 

Haru just shrugs. "...I wanted...to see the leaves."

 

"You want to go outside?!"

 

Makoto spills out his tea on the table. They all laugh. They look exhausted but they still have the strength to laugh. Haru envies them so much. He wants to laugh with them too.

 

They insist on dressing him with warmer clothes – and with an ugly woolen cap with two big pumps on each side, which in hindsight belongs to Nagisa – and soon after, the four friends are walking down the streets, looking at the autumn leaves falling on the sidewalk. Makoto takes Haru by the arm; they walked slowly behind Nagisa and Rei, who are crunching every mot of fallen leaves they find. The weather is lovely. Haru could have stayed a long time here.

 

But at some point he picks out from the ground the only leaf that wears a beautiful, bright, dark red color; and then Makoto seems to panic and they hurry him home.

 

It's only hours later than Haru realizes it has the same color as Rin's hair.

 

It's good sometimes to be slowed down.

 

He keeps it under his bed.

 

 

 

 

 

The next week Haru is almost back to normal. He rarely speaks, but he can handle the vital task alone.

 

It's not surprising that the first thing he asks for is cooking. Soon, the small dishes he does for him and Makoto aren't enough.

 

"I want to go back to work tomorrow." He says one evening.

 

Makoto's fork falls from his grip.

 

"Sure." He says.

 

It was on a Sunday night.

 

 

 

 

He looks at Makoto packing. His phone vibrates in his pocket. It's certainly Nagisa. He's been working at the restaurant for almost three weeks now – just after its reopening, actually.

 

Haru watches Makoto's back and he feels ready, for the first time in ages. He has healed, but not completely.

 

"Makoto," his voice is firm, and has found all his deepness back. "Can I have a word with you?"

 

 

 

"How is Ran doing?"

 

"Fine! She is very happy to see me. Actually my mother has to slow her down. She doing too much – working, the cleaning plus the groceries, the cooking – and in her condition it could be bad."

 

Makoto looks honestly happy. "I can't believe you're going to be an uncle." Haru says with a rare smile.

 

"Yeah, me neither!" He says; he sits on the couch when Haru just stares blankly through the window, a habit he had kept from his depression. "I just...I've known it for months and now that it's coming – it's just – I can't believe it. It's so fantastic I have no words."

 

"It's wonderful."

 

It's not late in the evening but still, days are growing shorter. The sky is already dark but there is a lot of traffic remaining. Haru watches and follows the lights of a red car which drive just under their apartment.

 

"How much time will you be staying here for?" He asks Makoto.

 

"Until the delivery, a month or more. Since the baby is big they might try to make her deliver earlier than terms."

 

"Okay."

 

Silence. There it comes.

 

"I won't be here when you come back."

 

"Eh?!"

 

His gaze is still stuck on the thick glass when Makoto bursts out of surprise. It's no wonder why he hasn't seen it coming. They haven't spent a lot of time together lately. Makoto is just there in case Haru needs him, that's all; he hasn't even looked at him in the eyes since he'd found him alone in the restaurant. He has been taking care of him while he was sick but he's not anymore. Haru can manage alone.

 

Makoto has done enough; it's time for him to be free and to seek for his own, well deserved happiness.

 

"I said that I won't be living here anymore." He looks around, to Makoto; he doesn't say anything so Haru goes on. "I'll find a place to stay, on my own. I need to leave before I get any more trouble."

 

"But, you're sure you're-"

 

"I'm okay now. It's all thanks to you all. I never thanked you, for everything you did. We never really...talk, about it, either."

 

"You were sick, it's okay Haru, we don't-"

 

"No it's not!" Haru turns around, and catches Makoto's hands, maybe for the last time. "Listen, I need to sort it out. I need to tell you because I could never look at me in the eyes ever again if I don't tell you! And you deserve it - you deserve the truth, you deserve everything good in the world and it's the least I have to do, for thanking you, and ask your pardon."

 

Makoto looks on edge again, just like that night in the restaurant where he had literally saved him from himself. His large shoulders tense, and then, with a long and deep sigh, they go down.

 

"Alright. I guess...I guess it's finally time to talk."

 

 

 

 

 

"You know," He says after a while, "I think I have always known, deep down; even from the start, even before you realized."

 

 

 

Makoto is looking at the traffic outside, avoiding Haru's calm blue eyes. "I remember the day when I first saw it; it was the same day Sousuke mentioned the dinner actually. It was something in your eyes. They were shining, as if you were staring at water but there was something else as well. It took me time to figure out what it really was. It was Rin. He had enlightened something inside you that I never have been able to find."

 

There's a honk coming from the street, followed by others. None of them take notice.

 

"I didn't want to. I didn't want him to invade my thoughts. I don't know how he did, I don't know how it happened but I let him in," Haru goes on; the words flows out on his mouth so fluently that he wonders why he hadn't been able to say them sooner. "It's like all of my barriers were falling down every time I was with him. You know me, when I realized it was something bad, it was already too late."

 

Makoto smiled bitterly. "I figured."

 

"...I'm so sorry. I should have - I should have fought harder, I should have tried better-"

 

"I think you did, actually; more than you think. I saw you struggling."

 

Haru raises his head and looks at him, his expression bewildered.

 

"That was maybe the worst part of it. I was just watching you being dragged away from me and at first I saw you fighting against it; but since the very beginning I had the bad feeling that it's was something inevitable. I couldn't do a thing, I was paralyzed, I was so scared of what was happening; I knew and yet I didn't want to. There was something greater, stronger than the both of us in action, I just could feel it; because the light in your eyes was so strong and made you look so different and yet, more beautiful. And then, you stopped fighting." Makoto makes a pause; he breathes deeply. "I never thought I could hate Love so much. What could I possibly do if you were indeed falling deeply in love with someone else?"

 

Haru looks into his laps. His hands are crossed but he doesn't like them to be that way. He tries to move them somewhere else but he honestly doesn't know what to do with them. "There was nothing you could have done, and so do I; I even think it was the same for him."

 

They're both sitting on the couch now. There is enough space between them for another man to fill the place.

 

"But Love, no matter how deep and crazy of a thing it is, cannot explain everything; it does not excuse my despicable action - or rather, lack of action."

 

"No; it doesn't."

 

Makoto's words are maybe harsh, but they are also indeed true. His hands are linked on his lap, Haru can see their tendons being contracted, an undeniable sign of Makoto's uneasiness. The guilt catches him up again at last.

 

"I know that words could never explain what I did. But, for what it's worth, I didn't want to hurt you. It was silly because the harm was already done; but as long as you weren't aware of it in my mind, you could have stayed happy. I thought it was okay. I...I couldn't make the difference between good and evil anymore. Everything surrounded us completely disappeared every time we were together...it really fucked me up."

 

"It fucked you up so badly that it almost destroyed you, Haru."

 

He gives him a bemused look, but again Makoto isn't meeting his gaze. "You have no idea of how broken you were, during these past two months. I had to feed you myself, like a baby. You wouldn't talk, or move for days. You kept saying you wanted to die or to be left alone and miserable. I thought...I thought you were never going to make it."

 

Haru drops his eyes, watching the imperfection on their parquet where his feet are resting. He remembers it too, his despair, his lack of will to keep on living. Haru has never stopped being selfish during all this time; whereas on the contrary, Makoto has been nothing but all merciful.

 

"It's only thanks to you." Haru breathes. "Nagisa, Rei, and you, on top of everything. You have shown me a rare devotion, daily small acts of kindness I never deserved considering what I have done to you. You saved my life, Makoto. You really did. I could never thank you enough for that."

 

"Well, I just couldn't leave you like that." Makoto says, his voice sounding weird and too high for his usual tone, all of a sudden. "You really looked like a wreck when I found you. Even if I hated you for what you did, even if I was angry, even if I didn't forgive you yet...You're my best friend Haru. I have known you all my life, and it still scares me that we won't be by each other's side from now onwards. I had to take care of you, because I felt like it was a duty of mine. And because I care for you way too much to let you harm yourself like that."

 

Haru's eyes get blurred by tears of gratefulness. "Thank you," He murmurs, because he feels like speaking too loud with open up the sluice. "Thank you for everything. I'll be good now. I'll be good and I won't, ever, do you harm."

 

"I know," Makoto smiles sadly, "I'm glad you're feeling better. It was getting difficult to stay here with you now that Nagisa and Rei are gone."

 

Haru can't even begin to understand how painful the whole situation must have been for him.

 

(If only Makoto could find someone who will love him just like he loves Rin.)

 

"Will you...do you think that one day, you'll be able to forgive me?"

 

Makoto takes too much time to answer this simple request, but in hindsight, it was a foolish utopia to think he could deserve Makoto's mercy once more.

 

"I hope so." Finally comes his answer. "I really wish I could but, right now I have no idea of what I am going to do. I actually thought about leaving the place as well." Haru looks at him, suspiciously, and waits for him to continue. "It's not like I can stay here now, not after what had happened. Every time I look at something I remember a little detail about you; it's not something I can live with on long terms."

 

Haru nods silently; he knows too well how much memories can hurt.

 

"So I have started looking for a house as well. Ran helped me of course. I'll look at some place while I'll be visiting her as well."

 

"What - you mean - you're moving back to our hometown?"

 

"Yes." He simply says, and then none of them speak for certain a while.

 

It's...it's a great news, really.

 

It has always been Makoto's wish to go back in Iwami after all. With his sick mother and now, his nephew coming...there was no doubt that Makoto would want to witness his growth, like he did for his siblings.

 

For once it's a decision Makoto took on his own to serve his own interest only.

 

Haru feels relieved.

 

"I am really happy for you."

 

"Thank you."

 

Haru rolls his eyes. "Don't thank me, please. I feel like the worst person in the world already, I really don't need you to remind me that you're the greatest person I've ever met."

 

"I'll do it only if you stop reminding me that, despite being that greatest person you ever met, it was not enough to keep you."

 

 

They eat in silence; well, the TV was on but it's not as if they were listening to it - Haru never does, and Makoto just pretends to laugh here and then, it's kind of a pathetic sight. They have dug into their wounds; everything feels on edge, ever words they say are meticulously chosen and yet, the remaining tension between them his suffocating. But now, finally, things will be able to get better.

 

From now on, they will heal.

 

 

 

 

 

Two days later, on a Sunday night, Haru watches Makoto's things, put in another trunk, near the entrance door. Haru has started packing as well, since he won't stay here long after Makoto's gone. The place is too big for him anyway. He's already found a small place an acquaintance from his father agreed to lend him for a very small rent. It is a real good deal actually.

 

"It's going to be so strange," He speaks, mostly to himself. Makoto is washing the dishes in the kitchen. He can hear the clashing of the porcelain plates against each other, and then the noise stops and Makoto walks towards him. He looks where Haru's gaze is set on; he smiles tiredly.

 

"Yeah. I'm going to miss your food, honestly." Haru laughs a bit. "It's a new start. For both of us."

 

Makoto will be gone in two days. Of course, he'll come back to help Haru with their remaining stuff - the furniture, mostly; Haru insisted that he should take them all to his new place - but then it'll be the end.

 

Seven years and more of a life they have shared, completely, together.

 

Even if Haru knows it's the right decision for both of them, he can't help but feel a pinch of nostalgia on the tip of his stomach. Endings have never been his cup of tea. He feels like reading the last pages of a book he had adored and read unconditionally, but that had gone slightly wrong near the end. It needed an end, just like their broken love story.

 

"Haru there...there's something I've been willing to ask, but I don't really know if it's okay, to ask I mean."

 

"What is it?" Haru says, curious about Makoto's sudden request.

 

"What are you going to do now that we're...not together? I mean, are you going to chase after Rin?"

 

The question leaves him speechless. First because, it's the very last thing he had expected Makoto to ask him - did he think about it a lot, since the very beginning maybe? - and second because it causes a blow, a devastating feeling of loneliness inside his chest. Living a life without Rin by his side feels more like surviving than anything; and there wouldn't be something more astonishing than to find him again and go back to what they were, and even to something greater.

 

But Haru doesn't think Rin would want him anymore. He had been more than clear.

 

_'I don't want to talk to you.'_

 

_'I don't want to see you again.'_

 

_'Goodbye Haru.'_

 

Goodbye, he had written.

 

"I don't think so." Haru says, in a small, dull voice - something he hasn't seen coming.

 

"Really?"

 

"Why you're asking anyway?"

 

"Well I mean, if it's the love of your life maybe you should try harder, don't you think?"

 

Haru's head, which was previously lazily leaning against a wall, suddenly straightens, stung by Makoto's remark. "How did-Where-I-"

 

"It was on your phone. Sorry I couldn't help but check your messages...I mean, it was when you were still...I had to know what had happened for you to be in such a state. I probably shouldn't have...it's the feeling I've had when I read those messages anyway."

 

"I'm sorry..." Haru murmurs, feeling the pain showing on Makoto's face burning on his cheek with shame.

 

"Don't be. It helped me actually. It made me realize how in love you were, how strong and uncontrollable your feelings were for him. It's nothing like the thing we've shared. And I never have felt that way with you as well, if it can make you feel better."

 

It doesn't really make a difference though. The question haunts him already. Should he really chase after Rin? Is he even ready for that? Somehow Haru doubts he could deal with another rejection from his part. Not yet, at least.

 

"I'll figure it out."

 

They go to sleep in their respective rooms short after that. Makoto insists on occupying the guests' room - he said it's too hard to sleep in their bed without him - so Haru is staying in their old room. The nights are getting chilly as October approaches. Haru is used to sleeping alone now but still, it doesn't make it easier when the cold strikes.

 

 

 

 *****

 

 

 

" _Eeeeeeeeh_ ~~"

 

Haru turns around, three different dishes resting on his arms. Nagisa looks quite depressed - he's taking care of the terrace while Haru serves the people eating inside.

 

"What's happening?" It always occurs, customers being harsh or not very nice, especially since Nagisa is new to the job. Haru thought giving him this opportunity would only help him after the regrettable accident that has almost ruined his life - him and Rei had to postpone the wedding because of it - but if it only gets Nagisa more depressed, maybe he should just say it, and Haru would find him a most suitable place to work.

 

"It's just...it's _that_ officer who...you know, caught me. He is eating there with a friend. I think he didn't even recognize me."

 

"Oh." Haru says; it sounds like a ' _and that's_ _all?_ ' kind of 'Oh' so Nagisa pouts, a little bit.

 

"It's serious Haru! The guy almost destroyed my whole life and look now I'm working here - not that I don't like working with you but, you know, I can't remember a thing people order - and _Rei almost left me_ \- I mean, forget about it."

 

Haru can't figure out why so suddenly Nagisa's voice has died, or why he looks elsewhere; but he jerks the thoughts away. It's the rush hour, and they are already running late. Since the restaurant had been closed for roughly a month, some of Haru's apprentice had left to find a job in other restaurant. Now, Haru has to work with people he barely knows, and considering he is still rather depressed and on treatment, the pills and the disease make his movement slower and less precise, almost random. Dishes aren't as tasteful as they used to be. People are coming less and less.

 

His therapist told him it was a bad idea to start working so harshly so quickly after his breakdown; but Haru had been too stubborn to listen to his advice. Maybe he should have.

 

He serves the customers waiting for their plate and then, he doesn't know why, he feels curious about what Nagisa had just told him.

 

What could this officer's face look like?

 

Haru casts a gaze, quickly, through the glass of the conservatory. There are indeed two men wearing uniform nicely chatting outside.

 

Haru sees red.

 

He rushes back to the kitchen.

 

 

 

 

His fist finds the fabric of his working suit just where his heart should be. It's beating so hard against his chest that he really thinks for a moment that it's going to explode, to break his ribs. He ignores everyone's eyes setting on his falling figure; Nagisa barely helps him to keep his balance. He can't even breathe. Everything is going dark around him.

 

What is Rin doing here?

 

"I need fresh water."

 

He ends up in the men's bathroom. The water he splashes frenetically on his face doesn't hide the fact that Rin is there and that he's going to cook something for him.

 

Rin is there outside and he looks good. He was smiling. He didn't look depressed in the slightest.

 

It's like he has never been with him at all. Rin has forgotten about him at the speed of light; and while for Haru it has been Hell to live without him, every single second of his life, to Rin it looks like Haru has never left a print on him.

 

He wants to vomit. His arms are clasping the sink hard and he could very well throw up but his pride tells him otherwise. He bites back his tears and looks at his reflection in the mirror.

 

He's going to cook for him.

 

And then maybe he could find a trick to make him talk to him.

 

It's maybe his last chance to see him, so Haru'd better not fuck this up, as he did with absolutely everything else previously in their relationship. Rin doesn't trust him anymore, and he doesn't even look like missing him either but it's not something Haru can believe without checking. After what they have shared it's just impossible for Rin to be completely neutral about him.

 

 

Haru cooks the curry monkfish and put extra chili pepper in it, as well as cilantro, because he just knows as much Rin loves it. Just the right amount of spices that will suit his palate and makes him drink so much water that he wouldn't have a choice but to use his men's bathroom - and Haru will wait him there, and then they will talk.

 

The room quickly starts to get empty. There are maybe still five or six people, including Rin and Sousuke, eating outside. Haru takes the opportunity to leave for his hideout; the men's bathroom is hopefully empty as well. It brings him back memories from that time at the Chinese restaurant - memories which travel under his skin and down his groin; Haru jolts at the feeling because it has been an eternity since he's felt something down there.

 

The colors have found their original tint again. The sun is brighter than it has ever been. Haru feels every single cells of his body again and it's just like that day at the pool when he had felt Rin the very first time; the world he sees is different, more beautiful, since he saw Rin again. It's ridiculous to think about it that way but it's so true; Makoto was right Rin literally lights something, he enlightens the world around him and makes things shine, makes them greater than they would ever be.

 

He had missed him so much.

 

 

Suddenly he hears footsteps - Rin's hastily footsteps, he recognizes them - and so Haru quickly hides at the corner of the room where Rin wouldn't be able to see him as he would open the door. He can hear anything but his heartbeat pounding in his ears.

 

He sees his back first, rushing to the right of the room where the urinals are. His cap is fastened to his belt; he's not wearing it right now, and so it gives Haru the opportunity to see his cute little ponytail, with some rebel bangs tickling on the back of his neck. Unconsciously Haru has spread his arm towards him; he wants to touch him, his hands are shaking with excitement and want. It funny how, only a few weeks ago Haru wanted to die, had no ounce of willpower left in his limbs and now, with Rin within sight his body feels on fire. He is trembling, his feet are numb; he is afraid of falling for he has no balance, no knowledge of the world surrounding them - he can't even feel gravity, his whole body walks automatically towards Rin's silhouette, dragged by his presence only.

 

Rin walks towards the sink now. The water runs out of the tap, down on Rin's hands. Haru can see his face reflecting in the mirror. He looks as gorgeous as Haru remembers him. Maybe his skin is paler, maybe his cheekbones are more easily seen on his face, but Rin is still Rin; a stunning creature way too perfect to exist. He belongs to an entire other world, a world Haru can only dream of belonging to.

 

Rin raises his hand to take some soap. He raises his head as well. Through the reflection of the mirror they eyes meet, for the first time in two months. His hands still under the stream of water.

 

 

(He isn't quite sure, but Haru thought a moment he had heard a heavy, loud sound. Something, like an explosion, that would have occurred far, far away from where they stand, far from earth; something like the birth of a star from another galaxy, maybe from the place where Rin truly belongs.)

 

 

Haru walks, hypnotized; his legs work totally on their own. His steps are slow, regular; they match his breathing and help him to control the rush of emotion spreading through his body. Just a meter away from reaching him, Haru stops.

 

Somehow he cannot believe that Rin is still here, standing in front of him; he cannot believe he hasn't run away from him yet. His fingertips, shaking, brush past some of Rin's hair that ends on his neck. He feels Rin shivers under his touch.

 

Haru lets out a sigh, a deep, desperate sigh he has been holding since he had seen Rin sitting in the terrace. He closes the distance between them. Haru lets his head rests against Rin's. He doesn't try to leave.

 

Soon after Haru's arm curl around Rin's waist, past his belt, his gun, his cap; he holds him close and it's Rin's turn to deeply sigh. They stay immobile for a few seconds, just enjoying the body and heat of the other again after such a long time being apart.

 

Haru wants to cry. How was he supposed to live without him when their bodies fit so perfectly together, when Rin makes him see the world anew, more beautiful than it is in reality, when the warmth coming from his back is enough to light the flame in his heart, and makes him enter in a kind of trance where only Rin exists and matters? How could Rin have lived without him and yet managed to smile, he who feels the same way?

 

 

"So you're working here?"

 

It's the first thing that Rin says. It's so much like him, making detours to avoid showing his weaknesses. He had missed him so much.

 

Haru just nods against Rin's skull. He nuzzles his hair, Rin whimpers and his hands grasp the side of the sink harder. Haru keeps caressing Rin's head, sometimes dropping kisses - small, delicate kisses; Haru is afraid that the Rin in his arms is just an apparition, that it will disappear if he touches him too much - and it's only when he reaches that sensitive spot just behind his ear that Rin starts to relax at last. Now, Haru is sure he won't run away. His hands are leaving the sink and run past the arms that are holding his waist. Rin closes his eyes when Haru licks on his earlobe. It even manages to make him moan.

 

"Haru please - stop, stop it please Haru."

 

Then the dread comes and starts to eat him as the words are spoken; Rin is about to disappear and to get away from him once more and Haru cannot let that happen, he won't survive the loss once more he knows it he has no other choice but-

 

Rin turns around; his arms fall behind Haru's head. His eyes are shining as they travel on his face.

 

"God..." he murmurs, "Haru You look really awful."

 

Rin runs his thumb under the blue eyes, circled by deep purple rings. He kisses him there, on both of Haru's lids; and then his mouth goes down, on his cheek; and lower, on his chin.

 

His lips are light and yet rough against his skin. Now that Haru dares to look at him carefully he can see that Rin's lips are crackled, badly chapped. They run on his skin very softly, almost candidly; it's like Rin is still internally struggling and is yet not sure about what he should do - leave or give in.

 

Rin's breath is hot; it ends on Haru's opened lips.

 

"I have missed you so much." He says.

 

Haru's fingers get lost in red hair; they play with Rin's scrunchy and get it loose. Time runs by slowly as they do nothing but stare at each other, rediscovering the sight of the face they have cherished so much. Haru caresses his cheeks, his eyebrows; he wants to learn everything about the Rin who is standing flesh and bone in front of him, and who isn't refusing his love. They feel breathless in a matter of second when they aren't doing anything but light touches. Haru can see the heat rising in Rin's face, and feel the one gaining his own; his lips are aching to kiss him but at the same time, he is afraid to lean in.

 

Their faces finally touch. Rin has stuck their forehead together. It starts a jolt of joy, of electricity spreading through his spine and limbs until it reaches the tips of his fingers. His hairs rise on his back. Haru closes his eyes.

 

"I love you." He breathes. "I love you. I love you Rin I love you."

 

The words die on Rin's lips as they kiss, gently, even prudently. The chapped lips only skim over Haru's, he can feel him holding back, as if he wasn't sure of what was happening yet. Haru grasps on Rin's shirt. He can't feel his legs anymore, he can't see anything but Rin's face and red hair, he can't hear anything apart from the buzzing of his ears. All of his sensations are shut down, only to concentrate, to feel what Rin is doing to him.

 

As if it was his only reason of being.

 

Their first kisses are shy and genuine, but soon the heat of passion overtakes any sense of reason; Haru's grip on Rin's officer's shirt gets stronger and Rin holds Haru's waist closer to his. Their bodies collide, melt into the other, their tongues find their way out and lick on their lips, inside their mouth. When they break up from the new found flame that had formed between them, their mouth are hot, their heart beating faster than ever; their eyes are dark with lust and Haru feels the urge to drag Rin against a wall to love him better.

 

"I love you," He keeps saying; and it makes up for all those times he couldn't say it but yearns to, because Rin was far, too far away and had shut him down from Haru. "I love you so much."

 

Rin answers with the flat of his tongue and with his hands, demanding, running on the small of Haru's back to end up cupping his ass roughly. Haru's finds their place in Rin's hair. He moans as Rin squeezes him again, and crunches him harder against his body.

 

There is no bed, they aren't in Rin's room; but they have found back their little world, their kingdom, their secure paradise. It's just the two of them, and their love, and their touch; nothing can possibly happen to them when they are alone together.

 

Haru feels like in a dream.

 

And, like every dreams he's got, after a while comes the awakening.

 

Someone is knocking at the door violently. Rin stops in his kisses, and turns his head towards the noise.

 

"Don't mind that," Haru moans, and he finds Rin's lips again. "There is still the ladies' room."

 

Haru clings on his dream, desperately; because inside him, in his guts, he can feel that if he let go of Rin right now he won't be able to hold him close like that ever again. It's his very last chance and it's only then that he realizes, in horror, that Rin doesn't know anything yet. He doesn't know that he and Makoto aren't together anymore, that he had finally told him, that they aren't even living together - that Haru had been at the verge of letting himself die, just because Rin had left him - but as soon as his lips curl to say the words that could change Rin's mind about their relationship, the other cop burst open the door. The magic spell exists no more.

 

 

The rest takes place in a foggy, confused atmosphere that leaves Haru bemused and powerless.

 

 

What is happening? What does all these numbers means?

 

 

Where is Rin's going? What does the jewelry have to do with that?

 

 

He doesn't even know. He has to know, he couldn't take his decision all the while ignoring the truth, ignoring everything Haru has been through. He could not leave him again.

 

Haru falls on the floor, his back sliding against the wall. Some clients and coworkers rush to him, to help him; some are just curious to what had happened here, and Nagisa turns them away.

 

"Are you okay?" he asks him, panicked.

 

"...We'll have to replace to door." Haru says; only.

 

 

He is anything but okay. He cannot move his legs alone anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

It takes them a lot of time to clean up the place. Usually Haru would be helped by an employee or two, but after the closure things have drastically changed from his usual routine. Now Haru has to serve customers' dishes. Now, he takes twice more time to do simple task, to clean up; and with Rin's recent visit his brain has just stopped working accordingly to what's happening around him. He passed past a running tap; he didn't turn it off. He even let the gas opened on one of the three burner stoves. He cannot link his actions and their consequences anymore. Nagisa helps him that evening, and watches him walking aimless, as if Haru was set in autopilot mode.

 

It's past 6 PM when Haru sets the last chair on top of the last table. They just have to wash the floor and they could go home.

 

"Hey Haru," Nagisa says, his tone serious, "Look."

 

There's a TV screen in the back of the room where they stand. It's set on the news channel. There are images of a policeman's car, of people panicking but Haru don't understand them. What he does, though, is reading the caption under the silhouette of the journalist.

 

_'Two years after - Jewelry robbed again! A policeman shot. The robber arrested.'_

 

Someone has been shot again.

 

Haru's blood boiled in his veins, then changes into ice. Nagisa turns around after the breaking news is over, but it's only to find out that he is now alone. The entrance door is wide open; and Haru is gone.

 

 

 

 

******

 

 

 

 

On the other side of town, two friends come back from the hospital.

 

"It's funny, Momotarou got the exact same wound as yours."

 

"I hope he's going to be alright," The redhead says as he takes off his cap and belt, and puts them on the cupboard in the entrance hall. "With an older brother like that I'm a little worried - Seijuro is going to nurse him 24/7, the poor boy is sure to get mad within a week."

 

"Ha!" Sousuke laughs, "That's for sure. But this kid has maybe more energy than you and I combined I'm sure he is going to be fine."

 

"Minishiba is going to be the new mascot of the station if he continues that way."

 

They get into their daily clothes in silence. When Sousuke comes back in the living room it's only to find Rin opening their old whiskey bottle.

 

"You really want to celebrate on Momotarou's injury?"

 

"No," Rin says, gravely, "I just really need a drink."

 

Rin pours himself a glass of strong liquor and puts the half empty bottle back on the table tiredly; making it look like it weighted way more than it appears to. He empties the glass quickly, and gasps as the hot liquid goes down on his throat.

 

Sousuke watches his friend, powerless; Rin's face has disappears behind his crossed arms next to the whiskey bottle and they're back two months backwards.

 

He is still madly in love with Nanase.

 

He has perhaps never stopped thinking about him. He had merely coped with his absence, pretended he was alright when in fact, Rin has always been miserable, all this time hiding it from his very best friend.

 

"Hey, come here." Sousuke says. He takes the bottle away from him before Rin has the time to fill another drink and to drown his sorrow into alcohol.

 

"He remembered...the fucking cilantro...he remembered everything I like..." Rin is sobbing already, his shoulder beaten to the point that Rin looks like a child. He's lost his stature, his proud posture; Rin is crying uncontrollably into Sousuke's lap who can't do anything but rubs his back, waiting for the crises to pass. If only it could just be a time thing; deep down he knows their story would never let him rest in peace.

 

He looks blankly through the window that overtakes the sideways; looking at Rin's crying form is too much of a nightmare anyway. It's then that he sees it, a red Mini parking just in from of their house. Gou is coming; she must have heard about the shooting from the Mikoshiba.

 

"It's Gou," He says quietly, Rin stops sobbing for a second. "Do you want me to ask her to leave?"

 

Rin shakes his head and wordlessly, he watches Sousuke getting up from the chair next to his and walking to the entrance door. He opens the door.

 

"Hi! You're alright?" Gou jumps on the topic right away, being the straight forward girl she is, "I heard about the shooting and I thought-"

 

At this very moment and before he has time to answer the girl's request, Sousuke's phone starts vibrating in his pocket.

 

 _'Incoming call from Makoto Tachibana.'_ The screen says.

 

There are two voices fighting inside his mind as he sees this displayed on his phone. There is a voice that urges him to answer, because it might be serious matter after what had happened today and there is another one, just as noisy, considering that it's none of his business anymore, that taking care of Rin is deadly more important than anything Makoto might ask from him.

 

It's funny because, without knowing it Sousuke has the fate of the precious person he loves the most in his hands, and it will all depend on the voice he chooses to listen to.

 

Should he pick up the call, or should he not?

 

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

 

Gou is pouting; Sousuke merely holds the heavy door while answering to his phone.

 

"A moment please - Yes?"

 

She rolls her eyes, looking really annoyed. "You haven't changed one bit, hn? Just because I am Rin's sister-"

 

She passed him, and hits her shoulder against his ribs in the process purposely. Sousuke sighs, he would never understand her.

 

_'Sousuke? Are you in here? Are you okay?'_

 

"Oh yes, yes Makoto, what's the matter? Excuse me I was answering the do-"

 

_'Have you seen Haru lately?'_

 

Sousuke frowns, the news has traveled quicker than expected - is Nanase already home? "Yes we...we've eaten in his restaurant." He almost adds a very weak 'I am sorry' but since he remembered in time that he wasn't supposed to know what he should be sorry for, Sousuke manages to remain as evasive as he could be.

 

 _'No I know that Nagisa told me.'_ Oh yeah, the blond criminal. ' _Apparently they were looking at the news on TV and there was something about a robbery in a jewelry store and then, when Nagisa stopped watching he was left alone in the restaurant - Haru was gone.'_

 

"Oh! Hum, no we haven't run into him. I hope he is alright."

 

_'He is not, really, he is very fragile at this moment...I'm actually very concerned I thought...look, don't take it personally but I really thought he had run to your place. So I'm on my way to your house I'll be there in a minute or two.'_

 

And just like that Makoto hangs up, leaving Sousuke in a real and impossible mess to cope with.

 

He goes back to the living room where Rin is trying to smile at Gou. She can't stop talking about her new car and her new job and her new boyfriend - she doesn't realize it but it's certainly just noise for Rin. He nods and smiles all the time, but Sousuke is sure he cannot think about anything but Nanase. And now Makoto is on his way. There is something that is absolutely certain, at that moment for Sousuke at least; those two must not see each other. He is left with two solutions. Either he keeps Makoto outside or, he has to convince Rin to go upstairs with Gou; and giving that he has very little time and that he doesn't have any idea of what Makoto wants from him...

 

Nanase. Makoto wants to find Nanase. And he thought he had rushed here because he has heard of the robbery - why would Makoto think such nonsense?

 

Gou keeps speaking and then, she laughs at her own joke, probably; Rin follows her a few seconds later, it's not much but it's crying out how he doesn't care about what she can be saying. She's his only sister. She used to be the person he loved the most. He would have given the world for her and now, Rin doesn't have the will to listen to her.

 

How did they end up so fucked up by each other?

 

 

"Hum, excuse me you two;" He says, Rin looks hopefully at him, as if asking for deliverance but alas, Sousuke cannot stay with him, not now; but he hopes his bold move would be worth it, at least for Rin. "I'm going outside to do some groceries - are you staying with us Gou?"

 

"Oh, well, why not?" Rin looks panicked, but smiles nonetheless - as if he has any other solution. He has never been able to say no to her.

 

"Fine! Perfect. I'll be there in a bit - I hope at last."

 

Sousuke closes the door before Rin gets the chance to protest. He must not see it. He shall not know what can hurt him, not anymore, not today.

 

There is a car roaming outside, certainly Makoto's. So that's it; he thought Nanase was here because he wanted to see Rin. He must be aware then, of their past affair, about the love they share and hadn't been able to repress. As if the fireman had guessed, or Nanase confessed, it's none of his business but at least now Sousuke feels much more at ease. He doesn't have to pretend that he doesn't see the bull in the china shop anymore.

 

He gets outside, slams the door and enters the car before Makoto even parks. His eyes are cold and looking at the road ahead of them.

 

"Drive to the 6th avenue, we need to go to the jewelry's store there. That's the only place where I can imagine him going. That's where we had to intervene earlier, I think he knew the place."

 

Makoto looks unwell, but determined. His eyes are lost a moment on the features of Sousuke's face and the next moment, he drives the car to its destination.

 

"I hope we won't arrive too late." He says, his voice low.

 

Sousuke raises an eyebrow. "It can't be that bad." He says, trying to reassure his friend from his usual ill-worried tendencies. Makoto's grip on the wheel grows tighter in response. Something suddenly feels very wrong.

 

 

 

"How long have you known?"

 

The question comes out as they are about to arrive next to the 6th avenue. Considering the circumstances, it seems rather vain to deny the evidence that both of them are aware of Rin and Nanase's affair.

 

"Quite a while I'm afraid." Makoto says, his voice sounding unaffected. "He told me the following day of the brunch; well he kind of did, very clumsily - he has been really down since. You can say that we haven't been together since that day."

 

"Really?" And it's horrible but Sousuke can only sound surprised, not even sad. "He didn't tell us when we saw him at lunch."

 

"That's really weird." Makoto frowns; there is a parking placement on their right. "I have really lost my ability to read into his mind lately. I'm really afraid of what he might do - we should hurry."

 

They walk quickly, Makoto almost running behind Sousuke's pace, directly towards the place where the jewelry shop is. It's not easy to miss; there are yellow bands surrounding the place. Sousuke can see some of his colleagues still working on the field - and if he is not mistaken there is also the old Mikoshiba giving orders to his squad.

 

There's also a man, a civil, grasps on the yellow band as if his life depended on it. Sousuke sees him first and he runs, Makoto can't follow him - or didn't want to. Nanase has his eyes stuck on the pool blood that the shooting has caused. The fear and despair in his eyes are almost impossible to bear.

 

"Hey," Sousuke yells; his hand pats his shoulder but still, the man isn't moving - it's like he hasn't even realized that he was there. "Hey!"

 

 A single tear falls on Nanase's cheek. His head turns slowly to meet his gaze; and Sousuke has the feeling that the man thinks he is facing death itself.

 

"He is okay." Sousuke says, calmly. "Rin is okay he is alive. He is unharmed."

 

The realization takes some time but at last, light comes from inside Nanase's blue eyes again. The man literally jumps on Sousuke, seizing his chest with smaller arms and suddenly the cop doesn't know what to do with himself - he can feel Makoto motherly gaze on them, mocking them maybe slightly, and when Sousuke asks for his help his friend just shrugs.

 

He is smiling wildly though, and that's all that matters.

 

They drive back to their place, the three of them safe and sound.

 

 

 

********

 

 

_'Dude wtf u doin'_

 

 _'Saving your love life'_ Sousuke wants to write, but Makoto hands him his tea and so, Sousuke puts his phone on the table. He has never come to their place before. It looks really pretty but also quite empty. But it's only natural now that both of them are packing, ready to leave. It's barely believable.

 

"You know I think I haven't been very honest with you; because I simply was hiding the truth from myself as well. But we have been everything but great during the past years." Makoto tells him when their drinks are finished. Haru is taking a nap in his bedroom while they're enjoying the hot beverage. Sousuke checks on his phone for the time now and then but he isn't in a rush. Rin could wait from now on, because it's now a hundred percent sure that Nanase will come back to him.

 

"I have lived with the feeling that maybe I was...you know, forcing him into this relationship. I wanted him to stay with me so much that I literally agreed with everything he wanted just to make things convenient. He must have realized at some point, and he had certainly felt guilty about it. He had stopped asking, we have progressively stopped talking about anything that could be troublesome. We were dying, as a couple; the flame had stopped burning, if there was even one to begin with."

 

Sousuke gets a new message from Rin. It's almost 8 PM and Gou is hungry - they're going to the restaurant without him. Sousuke has the feeling that Gou is angry at him for no reason.

 

"It got really bad when my sister broke the news about her wedding. People had started asking us questions...Haru shut himself out. He refused to speak to me for days. That's how things were when you asked me about my sentimental life - I couldn't just tell you that I have been dating the same guy for seven years and that everything was slowly falling apart."

 

"I'm sorry; I should have seen, I should have done something. You could have talked to me maybe, if I had looked more-"

 

"No, really Sousuke there is nothing we could have done. I didn't want to see the truth, just as you did probably. I had convinced myself that it was just a phase, or worse, that I could be happy with things staying that way. I was wrong, it was a lie. Even before Rin burst into his life I was feeling miserable. So you see, in the end, there is no real bad guy. It's just a love story with a terrible timing."

 

Makoto pours himself more tea. His face looks more tired that it had been in weeks. The usual, kind smile on his face is gone.

 

"Are you going to be okay?"

 

Makoto puts the kettle down before answering. "Well, I can't get worse now, right?" He says, his voice trying to sound light. "I'm going to rest with my family. This is really what I need right now, I think. I kind of want to start a family on my own too." Sousuke gives him a curious look. "I'll start with a cat, I think; since we can't take one here. I'll make sure to have a big garden, with a great view on the Ocean."

 

"You come from the shore as well?"

 

"Yeah, we were living in Iwami with Haru."

 

"Seriously?" Sousuke's eyes widen, this can't be possible. The four of them come from the very same town. He isn't quite sure that they will all appreciate the irony of the situation though.

 

Makoto has taken out of his boxes an old album photo from their old swimming club. Nanase has indeed won quite a lot of trophies in his young years.

 

"You've made all the prefectural tournaments?"

 

"Yeah at first, but Haru gave up rather quickly when he started middle school. He wasn't that interested anymore, he told me. Things were too easy for him."

 

"Hey, look, that's us."

 

Nanase is sitting on the very front, his face impassive as ever - he even looks annoyed to have won - with his victory trophy and there they are, him and Rin, in the top right corner on the old picture. Rin is smiling; they are only meters away from each other.

 

"If only they could have met that day..." Makoto says, his voice full of regrets.

 

Things will never have turned out the way they did, surely.

 

 

 

 

"Before you go, there is something I'd like to ask you. Can you wait here for a second?"

 

Makoto leaves him alone near the exit and enters the room where Nanase went to sleep earlier. Sousuke hears his soft voice talking to his ex-boyfriend and then, he closes the door behind him. How can this man have so much humanity and devotion running in his veins? There's no doubt that Sousuke would do the same for Rin, but it's not the same relationship they have. They are best friend only, there has been no betrayal, at least not yet. Makoto really possesses something rare, and precious; something that Sousuke admires and he has never felt so proud of knowing that they were friends.

 

As he waits patiently for him to return, Sousuke looks through his old messages - Rin's, to be more precise. There is something that has been bothering him. He is pretty sure Nanase's face was familiar when he had first seen him at the sushi bar. It could have been because of their common past in Iwami but no, it's not the memory Sousuke had kept, he could picture his grown-up man face, and the way his body was standing, and the way he was looking at Rin in secret-

 

That's it. The picture Rin sent him, the first Monday.

 

 _'Hot chicks at the pool :p'_ The message said. Rin is taking a selfie with two hot girls in bikini and then, in the background stands Nanase, his hair wet and his bright blue eyes lost on Rin's back. He remembers the conversation they've had that evening. Rin had told him about the race, how fantastic it had felt.

 

He had certainly taken that picture just to have a glimpse of his rival's face.

 

What an idiot.

 

 

 

"Sorry for the wait." Comes Makoto voice, minutes later.

 

"It's nothing, so what did you-"

 

There is no question to be asked. Not after what Sousuke sees, in front of his eyes.

 

Nanase is up and fully dressed, he is holding a big sack into his hands. His bright blue eyes are pleading him.

 

"Please." He says only.

 

Sousuke doesn't find the strength to refuse.

 

Makoto nods, approving, giving him his blessing somehow. He drives them back home, with Haru's luggage lying in the back of the car.

 

 

 

 

It's a real blessing that Sousuke thought of taking his key before leaving.

 

"I guess I don't need to show you the way." Sousuke says, quite uneasy as he opens the door. He watches Nanase taking off his shoes and putting them in the place reserved for the guests. Maybe they'll need to find him a more suitable place now that he is going to stay here longer.

 

Life here is going to be a real hell from now on.

 

He doesn't even know how Rin is going to react to the news.

 

"I want to take a bath." Nanase says out of the blue as soon as his shoes are off. He has put down his sack in the middle of the entrance hall and walks towards the stairs.

 

"Hey!" Sousuke calls him out. "We only have a shower!"

 

Nanase stops dead, and then retraces his steps. His hand is looking for something in his pocket. He hands out a key to Sousuke, who looks at it quite perplexed.

 

"…And?"

 

"It's my key."

 

"What do you want me to do with it?"

 

"Use it."

 

"For?"

 

"If you're feeling in the way, you know. Makoto leaves tomorrow so you'll have the whole place for yourself. He told me he trusts you."

 

That man, he was joking, right? He wasn't seriously kicking him out of his own place when Sousuke just has kindly accepted to accommodate him?

 

And then, insidiously, the thought of seeing Rin and that guy being all lovey-dovey all the time and oh my god he won't be able to sleep if he hears Rin moaning every night-

 

It's already giving him a headache. Sousuke takes the key out of Nanase's reach with anger and frustration filling his eyes. How dare him.

 

"Anything else?" Sousuke asks, not minding to hide his annoyance.

 

"Yeah, you can call me Haru."

 

It shuts his mouth for the time being. That guy...is really troublesome - why does Rin have such a terrible taste?

 

 

 

About thirty minutes later Sousuke can hear the ruffle of keys in front of the door.

 

"Oh look it's open," Gou's voice comes hushed by the distance. "It seems he is back at least."

 

She still sounds very pissed about something Sousuke can put his finger on. Was she expecting to see him?

 

"We're back!" Rin says, tiredly. "The food was good you really missed something."

 

"I don't think I did, honestly."

 

He smiles fondly at Rin. The guy looks exhausted; he only hopes that the surprise that is still taking a shower won't end him on the spot. It's almost crazy that Rin hasn't realized yet that the shower is running, or that there is an unknown blue sack at his feet, or that-

 

"Hey, whose shoes are they?" Gou finally says, her ballerina pump in her hands. Of course, the place she used to put them in is filled with Haru's blue sneakers.

 

"Oh that? We have a new single guest tonight." Sousuke answers, playfully, his eyes never leaving Rin and the incredulous look on his face.

 

"Well I hope there isn't more than one of them," Gou adds, still kind of annoyed. She puts Haru's shoes in a corner and manages to add her small and thin ballerina pump in the same place. "I won't say no to a warm coffee right now. Do you still have déca'?"

 

"Y-yes I, I think we- Sousuke who's in the shower?"

 

"Certainly one of his new conquests."

 

"Gou I'm serious." Rin eyes, already turning red, scan the entrance hall. Sousuke watches him carefully, as his best friend's gaze falls on the shoes, then on the sack. He watches the realization and the understanding reaching his face, just like he did minutes ago when he had been the one telling Haru that Rin was still alive. It's definitely a nice feeling to witness.

 

"You really said that he was single?" He breathes, tears running from the corner of his eyes.

 

"Well...it's up to you now, isn't it?"

 

And then Gou watches, her expression bemused, her older brother drying his tears away and running upstairs, only to disappear in the bathroom that someone is already using. Her eyes fall on Sousuke, expecting something from him. "Come here," He says, frankly amused, "I'll make your coffee. And I'll explain the mess that's happening upstairs if you really want to know."

 

But from now, the two lovebirds need to be left alone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Under the water Haru relaxes; it's been a while since he hasn't felt that kind of solace coming from his favorite place - he hasn't returned to the pool since the day Rin left him, and he is quite sure that it has been the same for him. Haru waits, patiently, for Rin to come back. He isn't in a hurry. They will have all the time they need to make up for everything and to be happy like they used to, and even more. Maybe they'll even find a way to fuck it up, it's a possibility after all; but it's a risk Haru is ready to take wholeheartedly if it's the only way for him to spend some of his days with the man he loves.

 

He hears the squeak of the step and then, someone opens the door way too hastily. Haru smiles, it can only be Rin. He hears the ruffle of his clothes, and even if before that moment he didn't know quite well what to say, or how to, he knows now for sure from the way Rin hurries towards the running shower that words won't be necessary.

 

Rin opens the shower drape. He gasps at how cold the water must be on his bare skin.

 

"Hi." Haru says, his back facing him.

 

"...Care if I join you?" Rin asks, unsure. But about what, really?

 

"You're already in. Why do you ask?"

 

Rin tsks behind his back and then, his arm reaches for the thermostat. Hot water falls on Haru's hair, burning his delicate skin.

 

"Hey! You could have warned me."

 

"I was freezing."

 

"It wasn't that cold."

 

"Yes it was."

 

"You were just fearing that I'll find it too small after all this time."

 

Haru rests his head on Rin's shoulder, watching his reaction. He looks pissed, as expected. Haru raises an eyebrow.

 

"...You're impossible." Rin scowls. And then they laugh.

 

 

 

 

"Your eyes are red, have you been crying?" Haru asks Rin as he washes his hair. His hand leaves his hair to pull away some shampoo that was threatening to get inside Rin's precious eyes.

 

"Yeah, quite a bit."

 

"Me too, actually." Haru adds, casually.

 

"You had a rough day I suppose?" Rin asks then, as Haru puts some shampoo in his hand for him to wash Haru's hair.

 

"A little bit."

 

"Same for me. See, I ran into my ex today. He is a complete idiot, if only you could see him." Haru pouts, and blows on Rin's hair and some of the bubbles fly from there - Rin laughs quietly. "I broke up with him because he was with someone else and wouldn't leave him for me; and you know what he did today, instead of telling me that he was on the market again? He kissed me! As if telling me the truth was remotely important! As if I was so irresistible, that he couldn't get his mouth off of me!"

 

"Well maybe you _are_ irresistible." He says fondly; and then Haru watches Rin, grinning from ears to ears, a sight he hasn't been given to see in a long while - his belly feels warm all of a sudden.

 

"Thanks. That's exactly what I wanted to hear."

 

"...You jerk!"

 

Haru turns to water on and soon too hot water falls on their head, washing the foam out of their hairs, their faces. They feel like twelve year old teenagers all over again - they fight, or at least pretend too. It's just another lame excuse for their bodies to touch and be touched, a way to feel their heats, their passions, and their beating hearts; they are alive and it's all that matters.

 

 

"You know," Rin says, after a while, after it feels too tiring to struggle against the other, against the wish to be just resting in each other's arms. "When I heard the first gunshot I suddenly realized how fragile life could be. It could have been me. It could have been something more important than my shoulder being shot. I could have died and never see you again."

 

Haru hears him sniff and then, a drop of water falls on the top of his shoulder. "I didn't want that," Rin goes on, "I wanted, so desperately, to see you again. I only realized at this moment that running away from you has never been an option. Every time I was on patrol I was unconsciously looking for you in the mass of people I ran into. I was restless, always on alert, but I never saw you."

 

"I thought you were dead."

 

Rin lifts his head from Haru's comfortable shoulder, and then Haru takes the opportunity to wash his tears away. His thumbs run on his cheeks. "When I saw the pool of blood in front of that shop I really thought you were dead; because for me at that moment I didn't earn the right to be happy, it was just something I deserved. Everything went black. There was nothing around me, I was standing in the void. People were talking to me, touching me, shaking me; but I couldn't see them, or feel them. It's only when Sousuke spoke your name that I was able to come back to my sense. He told me you were alive, and I felt like he was giving me life for the second time."

 

Rin holds him closer to his chest. He starts crying, more loudly this time. Haru can feel his hands slightly shaking against his back and himself let the tears fall from his eyes silently. Haru's hands are resting on Rin's chest, his fingertips on his collarbones. His head leans on Rin's from its side; they stay like that under the running water until the tears dried on their own.

 

 

 

"Can I hold you tonight?" Rin asks, after they've both calmed down. "Just hold you."

 

"Ah," Haru nods, "I'd like that. With the pills I take it's hard for me to get in the mood anyway."

 

Rin frowns, and Haru bites on the tongue; he shouldn't have say that, probably, Rin will get worried for nothing - and feel guilty, on top of everything.

 

"I'll tell you another time. I'm tired. I just want to sleep in your arms tonight."

 

 

Rin falls asleep like a baby. His hand curls around Haru's fingers strongly, his mouth blows on the top of his hair. Haru is sure he had seen Sousuke opening the door at some point, before he went to sleep as well, just to make sure that everything was okay. From now on, everything will be fine.

 

Haru watches Rin's face as he sleeps. He follows him soon, in a dreamless night.

 

 

 

 

"Hey." Rin nuzzles him. "Hey Haru, wake up."

 

"What is it?" Haru mumbles, still half asleep. He yawns and stretches his arms.

 

"Good morning Haru." Rin says, joyfully.

 

Haru opens an eye. He sounds like a child on Christmas Eve. "'Morning." He yawns again. It's not even 7 AM yet.

 

"Haru, it's Tuesday."

 

Rin is smiling fondly, looking at him as if Haru was the 8th wonder of the world, hidden from everyone's eyes under the white sheets of his bed. Suddenly it hits him.

 

It's Tuesday morning.

 

"Yeah, it is."

 

Haru pulls Rin into a hug. They will have every day of every week that will follow to wish the other a good morning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And then, time goes by, and life goes on.

 

 

Two years later Nagisa and Rei finally got married. They have wanted for Rei's parents to come back from their trip from India where they have stayed a whole year for work. The ceremony was wonderful. Makoto and Haru had agreed to remain the two best men and had managed to enjoy the party quite well. When Nagisa had thrown the bride's bouquet in the air Ran was the one to catch it. She gave it to her favorite older brother.

 

Makoto is still living in Iwami near his family. He takes care of his mother's diabetes and of his young nephew. Since he lives now near the shore he specialized himself in lifeguarding and is a part time swimming coach to his old swimming club. Since he joined a lot of divorced women had come to register their children to the club - to the new manager's great delight. At this date, Makoto owns five cats - and a dozen more comes occasionally into his garden. He had kept in touch with everyone, even if it's more difficult for those who have settled oversea.

 

Sousuke eventually accepted to live in Makoto and Haru's old apartment. It was very hard for him to live alone at first, Rin's absence being a lot to deal with now that they're gone, but overall Sousuke likes where his new life is going. He got a promotion and now watches over new recruits - one of them is called Nitori Aiichirou and is a real disaster, it's a miracle that he didn't shot in his own foot yet. And then, there is this new girl that had moved in very recently - her name is Aki, she used to be a friend with Makoto and the others when she was a child. It's hard to hear about Nanase - no, _Haru_ , he corrects himself - all the time when they speak on the door step but he really likes her. Gou isn't that angry with him since she started dating Minishiba, by the way; and it can only be good news for him.

 

 

 

As for Rin and Haruka...

 

 

They have settled just next to the shore. Haru only has to walk for less than a minute and his toes curl into the cold sand. It's 1 AM in here, they are closing the restaurant - " _the Dolphin and the Shark"_ , that's how it's called, Rin found the name terrific but Haru is still having doubts. They mostly do fishes and Australian beef - another idea of Rin, but it's working kind of well so Haru can't really complain.

 

"Hey!" There, Rin is calling him from an opened window, "I'm not going to tidy up the place on my own again. Bring your ass down there, will you!"

 

Haru walks back from the shore, reluctantly. People were still surfing there, in the middle of the night. Life is good here. It had been hard at first to understand the language and cultural difference but it's been a year now. Things are going more than nicely for them.

 

As he approaches he can hear [a tune](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oS6wfWu0JvA) playing on the radio that Rin had turned on when he started sweeping the floor. He is dancing with the broom in his hands, and humming the melody. Rin is just as terrible with dancing as he is with singing. Haru smiles as he reaches the place.

 

"And you call that cleaning?" He says, as he stops before the window where Rin was just moments ago.

 

Rin uses the broomstick as a fake micro and pretends to sing. Haru rests his chin on his hand, watching the most idiotic person in the world; it's crazy just how ridiculous Rin can choose to be just to drag out a smile out of him.

 

Rin stretches out a hand. "Come," He says, "It's lonely dancing alone."

 

Haru rolls his eyes. "But I can't even dance."

 

"Good grief! Me neither! What a coincidence."

 

Haru laughs unintendedly, and walks, lazily, to his dancing boyfriend. He really can't dance to save his life; this is going to be a real disaster.

 

"Relax, just let the music and rhythm enter your body. You can do whatever you want, nobody's watching us tonight. You can dance and feel free. Look at me."

 

Rin starts to rock his hips randomly in perfect rhythm with the beats, his shoulders shake a little bit and then, he takes Haru's hands in his and forces him into his steps. They start jumping in the middle of the empty restaurant, like two young adolescents discovering the furious feeling of love and freedom. Rin brings Haru close to his chest, and then far; he makes him spin just as he had done with his whole world. He catches him back when Haru loses his balance. At the end of the song their bodies are stuck together, and even if it's definitely not the perfect song for that with their foreheads resting together, they start a slow dance, their fingers entwined. They kiss under the moonlight. The waves come and go endlessly on the shore, in the heat of the Australian summer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**(The End.)**

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                        

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I I follow, I follow you deep sea baby, I follow you ~~
> 
> Thank you everyone ! Thank you Thank you I'll never thank you enough for all the love I have received. Some of you are really too much.
> 
> (Tell me if you feem like there is something missing I think some part of the dialogues were cut in the c/p prossess. I managed to see some of them but maybe not all sorry :/)
> 
> About this story: I have so much things to say. First, I'd like to point out that they are some time inaccuranties. I tried to make the whole thing coherent but I didn't really thought about it so if you look deep inside there might be some. But since the story pretty vague on that point don't be too regarding about that.  
> The other point I want to clear out is that, Haru more or less recovers from a huge depression in only two months, and it's just impossible. But I had written two months in chapter one so I had no other choice. I hate medical errors so I will never excuse myself for something so important. Sorry really.  
> About the story itself: the more I think about it the more I see it as a real AU on its own, as a story and not something I want from canon. Like, this is more or less a 'what if Rin has never transfered AU' but the way they love eachother in this fic is not what I want to see in canon. It's a very violent and passionate kind of love that is kind of destructive and it's what I wanted to write and to share, but I don't want this to be canon - far from it.  
> I also hope the makoharu parts were not too badly handle. It's really a notp for me and, without insulting it I think it was pretty clear in this fic so if they are some multishippers here thank you for having bear that part of the fic (I really don't mean to bash, so if you had this feeling just tell me.)
> 
> Don't forget that, whatever you might see after, this, is the real ending.
> 
> I'm going to miss you so much
> 
> :(
> 
> Feel free to send me request or ask anon or not if you need to talk about it or if some things are unclear or if you didn't really understood something because I need to talk about my baby okay XD
> 
> See you later, my friends
> 
> Queenie.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me here > http://doctor-queenie.tumblr.com/


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